It's been a really long journey in life. Over all, I've changed so much, or maybe I've discovered who I've become. Thanks to Ellice, I've assumed a much healthier life with less thinking and more doing. The advice was given at the perfect time because everything clicked and it felt so right. I can't help but think that this is all God's timing. As always, I can never see it coming, but I'm baffled at how he's prepped me so meticulously, and because of that, I am rest assured that His plan will prevail in the end and that I will not lose faith in Him.
As I connect with people in school for the first time, I'm also realizing how much I've 'missed out' on - the time and opportunity I had this semester to get to know them more, which my incessant thoughts kept me from doing.
In need of sleep right now, I'm going to go, but this is to check in and say that God has been good to me even though I find his voice softer nowadays. On another note, the weather outside is seriously ridiculous. The wind, as I described to someone, is ice cold that it feels like it's burning the skin. It's ridiculous and I hope that the homeless and the underprivileged can stay warm during it all. Please continue to pray for each other. I know God listens.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Just Two Things I'm Looking for Right Now
1. Genuine and caring support.
2. My own room to grow and figure out who I am through it all.
2. My own room to grow and figure out who I am through it all.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I Can't Help But Blog
That's it. My thoughts run wild all the time. From class to walking down the street to solitude to the caffeteria to everywhere. My mind has become a flow of thoughts that are begging to be let out into words.
"I want apple pie," is the first. I have a bottle of ground cinnamon opened next to me. I sniff it sometimes in order to satiate my desire for sweets, like chocolate. It works. But I still imagine apple pie, the tasty crust and the scrumptuous innards.
Second, "eggs." Mixed eggs cooked scrambled. My grandparent's food is the best. They make lemon chicken and noodles and have crab and rice cake prepared for us, I remember on church weekends or SDC nights. They make immpeccable dishes - like none other and there will be no other like them and their dishes.
Third, "Is college really all this?" They say that you have the most and your last free time in college. Why is art college so difficult sometimes, long studio hours, relentless creativity... And I see breaks like fall, thanksgiving, winter, spring as the highlights or look-to parts of my semester, the light at the end of the tunnel, the hope for a satiating rest and time of tranquility and pleasant and earnest time spent with my family. My thinking is nothing special concerning this, but words and memories can puff up sometimes. For example when we move on, we either leave in our memories things we desire to see in them or simply we see the essence of the memory where details and likely the argumentative flaws and pricks really fade into the abyss.
In the class, I've mentioned before, Creativity and Genius, taught by Michael Sizer, I've picked up the book "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man," by James Joyce, and "The Creating Brain, the Neuroscience of Genius," by Nancy C. Andreasen M.D.,Ph.D. What I've read in these books is life-changing. I finally am released from the notion that I am really alone in my problems when really, I am what Andreasen describes a creative person, and not necessarily in terms of the adjective, but in terms of the noun. I am a creative person wired differently from the rest of society, but I am not the only creative person, which is the more liberating idea.
Andrean describes the creative person as one who is open, adventurous, possessing an intense curiosity, sensitive, and therefore likely to percieve the world and its situations with greater intensity. That explains why when I was young and I observed my family and got into arguments with them, I was speaking about a point of view ungraspable to them and rebutting became a useless endeavor because I was always criticized and shut down. I also saw a reality that could not be articulated at the time, which prompted me to always turn to God for help and perseverence because He was the only one who understood me thoroughly and truthfully. Consequently, the incessant flow of thoughts in my mind barricaded by a fear of being shot down again if spoken of swelled into a spot of bitterness and resentment. I could only vent to God, but He, too, seemed to provoke some psychological disorder in me, because He is literally invisible and the human was made to seek out a community, except I became an alien to that.
Now, I sit here looking back and seeing the struggle of a creative person through the chains and restrictive manners of societal conventions. I was a person with insight trying to break free, find a place of nurture. And here I am in art school, the best art school in the nation, MICA, and I could not have asked for a better community of creative people who are with me in this respect. I am where I am supposed to be and I am thankful that God has led me this far. I fit, and that's all despite my mere struggle to define my career path by facing the indimidating vastness of college choices like majors and everything else considered. But here I am, a declared Graphic Design major with a possible concentration in Video or Photography. I feel like I'm here for a reason, I'm not supposed to be anywhere else. I was wired and molded to become who I am today, someone I am sympathetic towards and proud of for making it this far.
I can't fully imagine what other creative people had to go through, the kind of trouble, rebellion, and especially the stakes they took to get here to MICA, whether it was leaving home with or without their parents or family's consent or approval.
I know my college years won't last forever. It's an experience that passes us by just like the quickening of everything physical transformed into a vaporized image in our brain somewhere, we call memory. Everything is fleeting, Time is never still. And that's why perhaps I grab on tighter to God who is everlasting, true, sovereign, an undefiable force that maneuvers at the deepest level of every living thing, like a current.
I am petrified, awed, humbled, completely relieved every time God testifies to his faithfulness. When I arrive to this conclusion, I understand that I've been here before, but I ask myself how possibly easy it was for me to slip into the curve of a loop only to arrive at the same destination. Blindness. Complete and utter blindness - towards God's love, because we lose trust in God, we lack faith. Faith that defeats fear and nourishes courage. Faith that is covicting and forward marching. Faith that is gracious and self-sacrificing.
I admit. Fears have been getting the better of me these past few weeks. Do I still fear sin? Do I fear provoking lust in men? Do I fear my own sin? Do I fear the revealing of my sins? Sin makes me like a blown up glass, I am empty inside but my shell is as fragile as cracking at the mere notion of criticism. Instead, I shell up, barricade my heart and everything about my face shows that I am closed and bullet-proof.
This must be my hearts natural response when it knows it's been hurt many times before this way. But my heart must have suffocated in order for this reaction to stem from the subconcious. I lay inert in bed, lying on my side, eyes wide open staring sideways at a blank wall. My arms bent, tugged closely to my chest, and knees are bent, brought up to my arms for warmth and comfort. I stare blankly and wonder why I think the way I do, I am so alone because I think this way. If only they could see what I see... I told myself these things.
I look at the bags under people's eyes, the young adults. And I wonder if the bigger the bag, the more sadness had touched their hearts. The deeper the grooves meant these young adults weren't smiling enough for their cheek muscle to be pushed up, so instead there's a gap. A gap reads pain and the piercing of reality in that person's life, the loss of innocence. I try to smile more often. I realize that when I smile, it'll not only perk up my cheeks and give me smiley eyes, but it'll make others feel safe to smile too.
The thought of insanity has grappled my mind once. Reading Andreasen's "The Creating Brain - the Neuroscience of Genius" relieved me at the same time it fortified my anger towards my family who, I believe, brushed away the many signs that pointed to a mental problem, a surpressing problem instigated by them, grudgingly caused by self. I admit to going through many episodes of depression, and saying out loud the desire to kill myself. I remember standing in the kitchen on a Sunday morning in front of the microwave and rebutting my parents who said that it was time for church and there was no time to 'go through this.' I told them I was depressed and that sometimes I wanted to kill myself because they weren't listening. But I didn't receive the care or the attention I truthfully deserved. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this right now.
Our past comes up in the present and will come up in the future inevitably. Unless we confront our past, because no parents or family or any person who has affected us during our childhood is perfect, we will constantly relive a destructive and ultimately useless cycle of impulsive or instinctive reactions to things that don't deserve to be affected by our past. I realized that I wanted to hurt people so badly, the way I was hurt. I didn't care anymore, I thought. I'll be who I'll be and be upfront about it. No more sugar coating or hiding. But I discovered that if I don't care about hurting someone, I might as well not exist, because hurting someone is a profound virus that has the potential to effectively spread through society and decapitate people's ability to shine and hope, as a result, begins to dwindle in their mind. I can see a light fading into a spec in their heads. When people get hurt for being vulnerable, honest, good-willed, or just being, it is a contagious laziness to drop their efforts to respect others as well, and you get this network of heart-stabbing people who demean the human potential and usher forth the negative and evil thoughts in people which coasters down to a digressive society. We want a society that is bright and a society where good dominates evil and that there are enough good people in the community to help the people in need of love, care, attention, hope, and someone to believe in them. Everyone needs a good supporter.
However I see it, life is also a blessing. I'm thinking about eating crunchy spring rolls from a chinese buffet and I am instantly happy and craving and wanting to go back to new york to have it with my family. Things like these make life even better on top of the kind of deep relations we make with people. You've gotta love chinese food.
As I am nearing the end of this post, I also look at the work I have to get done right before I go to sleep and I think about the worth in my work and time and energy I spend in gaining knowledge and aquiring skills. I think about the joy and excitement in the life that awaits tomorrow, not even Christmas (even though I am psyched for it). I think about the beautiful leaves I will walk through tomorrow morning, and their sweet and lovely voices that sing a harmony in the air. Fall is always breathtaking. There's also nothing like walking towards my 19th birthday. Next Monday, I wil commence on my last year as a teenager, whatever a teenager is, or what constitutes a teenager - freedom, flexibility, sponteneity, youth, fearlessness, energy, spark, limitless, influential, growing potential, fun, lively, and so much more. It's my last year. It doesn't scare me more than it disappoints me. I wish I had known that my creativity was normal and I wish I embraced my knowledge earlier on so that I could enjoy life and sustain more meaningful relationships that would enrich my youth and invigor me to love more and more passionately.
I hope my passions stay with me. I hope that they don't go with my innocence, which left descretely, without a moment's notice, disappearing like a silent wind carrying the fumes of an extinguished candle flame. I hope I am passionate all throughout life.
"I want apple pie," is the first. I have a bottle of ground cinnamon opened next to me. I sniff it sometimes in order to satiate my desire for sweets, like chocolate. It works. But I still imagine apple pie, the tasty crust and the scrumptuous innards.
Second, "eggs." Mixed eggs cooked scrambled. My grandparent's food is the best. They make lemon chicken and noodles and have crab and rice cake prepared for us, I remember on church weekends or SDC nights. They make immpeccable dishes - like none other and there will be no other like them and their dishes.
Third, "Is college really all this?" They say that you have the most and your last free time in college. Why is art college so difficult sometimes, long studio hours, relentless creativity... And I see breaks like fall, thanksgiving, winter, spring as the highlights or look-to parts of my semester, the light at the end of the tunnel, the hope for a satiating rest and time of tranquility and pleasant and earnest time spent with my family. My thinking is nothing special concerning this, but words and memories can puff up sometimes. For example when we move on, we either leave in our memories things we desire to see in them or simply we see the essence of the memory where details and likely the argumentative flaws and pricks really fade into the abyss.
In the class, I've mentioned before, Creativity and Genius, taught by Michael Sizer, I've picked up the book "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man," by James Joyce, and "The Creating Brain, the Neuroscience of Genius," by Nancy C. Andreasen M.D.,Ph.D. What I've read in these books is life-changing. I finally am released from the notion that I am really alone in my problems when really, I am what Andreasen describes a creative person, and not necessarily in terms of the adjective, but in terms of the noun. I am a creative person wired differently from the rest of society, but I am not the only creative person, which is the more liberating idea.
Andrean describes the creative person as one who is open, adventurous, possessing an intense curiosity, sensitive, and therefore likely to percieve the world and its situations with greater intensity. That explains why when I was young and I observed my family and got into arguments with them, I was speaking about a point of view ungraspable to them and rebutting became a useless endeavor because I was always criticized and shut down. I also saw a reality that could not be articulated at the time, which prompted me to always turn to God for help and perseverence because He was the only one who understood me thoroughly and truthfully. Consequently, the incessant flow of thoughts in my mind barricaded by a fear of being shot down again if spoken of swelled into a spot of bitterness and resentment. I could only vent to God, but He, too, seemed to provoke some psychological disorder in me, because He is literally invisible and the human was made to seek out a community, except I became an alien to that.
Now, I sit here looking back and seeing the struggle of a creative person through the chains and restrictive manners of societal conventions. I was a person with insight trying to break free, find a place of nurture. And here I am in art school, the best art school in the nation, MICA, and I could not have asked for a better community of creative people who are with me in this respect. I am where I am supposed to be and I am thankful that God has led me this far. I fit, and that's all despite my mere struggle to define my career path by facing the indimidating vastness of college choices like majors and everything else considered. But here I am, a declared Graphic Design major with a possible concentration in Video or Photography. I feel like I'm here for a reason, I'm not supposed to be anywhere else. I was wired and molded to become who I am today, someone I am sympathetic towards and proud of for making it this far.
I can't fully imagine what other creative people had to go through, the kind of trouble, rebellion, and especially the stakes they took to get here to MICA, whether it was leaving home with or without their parents or family's consent or approval.
I know my college years won't last forever. It's an experience that passes us by just like the quickening of everything physical transformed into a vaporized image in our brain somewhere, we call memory. Everything is fleeting, Time is never still. And that's why perhaps I grab on tighter to God who is everlasting, true, sovereign, an undefiable force that maneuvers at the deepest level of every living thing, like a current.
I am petrified, awed, humbled, completely relieved every time God testifies to his faithfulness. When I arrive to this conclusion, I understand that I've been here before, but I ask myself how possibly easy it was for me to slip into the curve of a loop only to arrive at the same destination. Blindness. Complete and utter blindness - towards God's love, because we lose trust in God, we lack faith. Faith that defeats fear and nourishes courage. Faith that is covicting and forward marching. Faith that is gracious and self-sacrificing.
I admit. Fears have been getting the better of me these past few weeks. Do I still fear sin? Do I fear provoking lust in men? Do I fear my own sin? Do I fear the revealing of my sins? Sin makes me like a blown up glass, I am empty inside but my shell is as fragile as cracking at the mere notion of criticism. Instead, I shell up, barricade my heart and everything about my face shows that I am closed and bullet-proof.
This must be my hearts natural response when it knows it's been hurt many times before this way. But my heart must have suffocated in order for this reaction to stem from the subconcious. I lay inert in bed, lying on my side, eyes wide open staring sideways at a blank wall. My arms bent, tugged closely to my chest, and knees are bent, brought up to my arms for warmth and comfort. I stare blankly and wonder why I think the way I do, I am so alone because I think this way. If only they could see what I see... I told myself these things.
I look at the bags under people's eyes, the young adults. And I wonder if the bigger the bag, the more sadness had touched their hearts. The deeper the grooves meant these young adults weren't smiling enough for their cheek muscle to be pushed up, so instead there's a gap. A gap reads pain and the piercing of reality in that person's life, the loss of innocence. I try to smile more often. I realize that when I smile, it'll not only perk up my cheeks and give me smiley eyes, but it'll make others feel safe to smile too.
The thought of insanity has grappled my mind once. Reading Andreasen's "The Creating Brain - the Neuroscience of Genius" relieved me at the same time it fortified my anger towards my family who, I believe, brushed away the many signs that pointed to a mental problem, a surpressing problem instigated by them, grudgingly caused by self. I admit to going through many episodes of depression, and saying out loud the desire to kill myself. I remember standing in the kitchen on a Sunday morning in front of the microwave and rebutting my parents who said that it was time for church and there was no time to 'go through this.' I told them I was depressed and that sometimes I wanted to kill myself because they weren't listening. But I didn't receive the care or the attention I truthfully deserved. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this right now.
Our past comes up in the present and will come up in the future inevitably. Unless we confront our past, because no parents or family or any person who has affected us during our childhood is perfect, we will constantly relive a destructive and ultimately useless cycle of impulsive or instinctive reactions to things that don't deserve to be affected by our past. I realized that I wanted to hurt people so badly, the way I was hurt. I didn't care anymore, I thought. I'll be who I'll be and be upfront about it. No more sugar coating or hiding. But I discovered that if I don't care about hurting someone, I might as well not exist, because hurting someone is a profound virus that has the potential to effectively spread through society and decapitate people's ability to shine and hope, as a result, begins to dwindle in their mind. I can see a light fading into a spec in their heads. When people get hurt for being vulnerable, honest, good-willed, or just being, it is a contagious laziness to drop their efforts to respect others as well, and you get this network of heart-stabbing people who demean the human potential and usher forth the negative and evil thoughts in people which coasters down to a digressive society. We want a society that is bright and a society where good dominates evil and that there are enough good people in the community to help the people in need of love, care, attention, hope, and someone to believe in them. Everyone needs a good supporter.
However I see it, life is also a blessing. I'm thinking about eating crunchy spring rolls from a chinese buffet and I am instantly happy and craving and wanting to go back to new york to have it with my family. Things like these make life even better on top of the kind of deep relations we make with people. You've gotta love chinese food.
As I am nearing the end of this post, I also look at the work I have to get done right before I go to sleep and I think about the worth in my work and time and energy I spend in gaining knowledge and aquiring skills. I think about the joy and excitement in the life that awaits tomorrow, not even Christmas (even though I am psyched for it). I think about the beautiful leaves I will walk through tomorrow morning, and their sweet and lovely voices that sing a harmony in the air. Fall is always breathtaking. There's also nothing like walking towards my 19th birthday. Next Monday, I wil commence on my last year as a teenager, whatever a teenager is, or what constitutes a teenager - freedom, flexibility, sponteneity, youth, fearlessness, energy, spark, limitless, influential, growing potential, fun, lively, and so much more. It's my last year. It doesn't scare me more than it disappoints me. I wish I had known that my creativity was normal and I wish I embraced my knowledge earlier on so that I could enjoy life and sustain more meaningful relationships that would enrich my youth and invigor me to love more and more passionately.
I hope my passions stay with me. I hope that they don't go with my innocence, which left descretely, without a moment's notice, disappearing like a silent wind carrying the fumes of an extinguished candle flame. I hope I am passionate all throughout life.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I'm sorry OCM, but you have hurt me the most. I'm starting on a clean slate without you. :D I'm free now. I've decided to let go of the past. I've let it go through writing, which has set me completely free. Thank you Lord for bringing me through today's worship. You ARE AWESOME and ALWAYS FAITHFUL. I love you Lord<3
Oh November, you are ALWAYS so interesting. :) haha thanks you. :O I'm turning 19 this month!!!! Hahaaaa
---------------------------
Later on:
LOVE =
for a long time... been a long time...
Oh November, you are ALWAYS so interesting. :) haha thanks you. :O I'm turning 19 this month!!!! Hahaaaa
---------------------------
Later on:
LOVE =
for a long time... been a long time...
Saturday, November 6, 2010
What scares me is the fact that I don't know who we are anymore. I'm so unsure right now if what we're getting ourselves into is something right. What if I'm not trying hard enough and I'm getting complacent. The idea of an Anti-Christ is kind of a concept I've never really explored before, and until tonight, based on what I read somewhere, it's kinda disappointing how 'Christians' celebrate man, focusing on making oneself happy and glorifying man instead of God. I'm guilty of it, but I don't know where to stop feeling guilty. I don't know if I'm denying knowledge because I know it'll bring suffering, or whether this is all just 'part of the plan' and I'm taking my time to enjoy myself for once. I don't know. Nothing is certain, and that's scary. No one knows what's going on, many people are too blind to see it, and for me, even if I see it, the pain's too hard to go back to, something I don't even know was necessary for so long. I'm worried, I'm afraid that I'm losing grip on what I used to value so much more than anything else. My priorities were so straight back then. Now, I'm juggling three big priorities I can think of right away, God, my schoolwork, and my parents/family/health/friends. And I've actually got my priorities mixed up before. It's so bad, it's kind of shameful. I don't feel good inside, I don't feel proud of being a Christian for that matter. I feel that when I say I'm a Christian, I get burdened by all that is expected of me, and I don't think I can ever take what I did before in the past, when I really gave my all and lost my mind. It gets me angry too when I think back at it. I never had a healthy 'balance' because I was so consumed with God, so bred on the fact that I am living for God, and not myself, to deny my nature and desire and to also prevent myself from doing stupid things by avoiding it. It was all planned out, thought out, and that's what made life seem so tiring. Five years since I've been baptized and it seems like it was timeless, as if my clearest memories go straight back to middle school, when I broke up with the only best friend I ever had, for a reason I still do not know. I made up excuses to my parents saying that she did drugs and dated guys and broke up with them and I actually made her look like junk, when I was really trying to come up with a reason why I silently drifted from her and at that I cost her reputation, someone who loved me and stood up for me and played with me. I'll never forget the memories, but I'll never forgive myself for judging her for the sake of me. I love her though, she's still Kelly Simpson, she's still loving, and honest, and persevering, and inspirational, I'm sure to many. But I worry I'm getting lazy and complacent, like I'll be one of them, go with the flow, stand right out just to blend right in. I don't know how I could live any other way. I've tried to be happy, and I have been, and I've tried doing the best of everything I could possibly do, but it feels so heavy, this feeling that I'm missing something, really really big, and I'm just missing out on a deeper life that can be so much more satisfying. I miss that I guess. Happiness doesn't come near what fulfillment God can give you. I don't hunger for God anymore. I don't want to play the keyboard for two worship sets tomorrow, that's from 10am - 2pm, half my day right there. I know back in the cana days I would find a reason for why, why my time, but now, I can't find it. My work is just as important, getting things done on time, and never giving my competition the slack. I want to feel on top, I want to be the best, I want to be in it to win it, I want to do better, be better, learn more, get better, do the best, and that's all. Do my best. Is this what I've watered my life down to? I mean, it is essential that I do my best. But I know that's not enough. Definitely not enough. To do my best is missing something, it's implying something too. I'm leading, and God's just supposed to be there to support me? Last year, when I was a freshman, I always had the mindset of God leading first, and I following. Lord, I would say, I have a project that's due, give me inspiration so that I can bring you glory through it. Can I bring glory to God by finishing my graphic design homework? Sure, I'm working my way up towards getting a college degree and diploma, so that God can use that for my future works. But what about my life now, I'm not asking God to lead the day tomorrow. I'm not asking God to lead the way, and I follow. I'm saying, 'I have no blasted idea of where I'm going but as long as I'm happy and doing well in school, we'll see where life brings me.' And quite yes, this is completely normal. See where life takes me right? See what God has in store or planned for me. Am I an activist? Really? Maybe I want to lead with God in making change happen now, on campus, sooner, now, instead of waiting until I get my diploma and get a job, and have a family, and move around. Thinking about that, this mindset will never change. Even when I have a family, I'll say, 'Ok God, I'm still waiting for what you have in store for me.' And yes, nothing's wrong with that either. But why would I still be waiting. I mean, shouldn't I be living in the moment for God? Am I missing something here? Do I dismiss people too easily? I mean, am I supposed to be concerned about every classmate I see in class, Am I supposed to say hi to them every time I see someone I recognize but don't know, or whether I'm supposed to force myself to get to know them or to try to at least appreciate them, or go out of my way to talk to them or just be really awkward and unnatural and obstrusive by saying 'hi' to them, what's your name, where are you from, what year are you, what major are you, and leave them in the bandwagon only to forget everything about them the next day. It's too much for me, I can't take it alone, I can't handle so much void in the school. Yes, I see hurt, I see a lot of lost faces and people in the cafeteria, I see a lot of hidden fear in people's eyes, but what am I supposed to do. Honestly? What. Go up to them and say, 'Hey, what's up. Can I sit here? Are you all right? I'm sorry, you don't know me, I'm here to assure you that there's hope in this world and ..' oh gosh, I'm sounding so anti-christ right now. Like I'm against such an unnatural action, or reaction, or proactive action. You see my problem. There's no line to draw. Do your best, think about yourself, is being self-centered, but thinking about others, makes you feel like crap because they don't give, and you feel sucky and frickin' angry that you ever turned back. I don't, I really don't, all I want to do is eat sushi right now, Go to a chinese buffet and seriously get some Chinese food and eat lobster mix and spring rolls and oh my gosh dumplings and oh my gooooosh nooodles and fried rice and chicken and string beans and oh my word,,,,, I want all of this right now. And I'll be happy and I'll spend time chatting with you at a table, time passing, letting thing unravel and change, and I'll just be there as another small, tiny catalyst in the world doing very very little, but focusing on her own life, her own goals, her own values and morals, inflicting them on others who will never accept them because they're doing their part of inflicting their morals into the world, and this world will become just a huge place of clashing and banging and bonging and sounding and clammering and bumping and bruising and bashing and sword-drawing fights. If this is what I see or at least CAN see, then something's wrong. Love? Can that be it? But so many people just focus on romantic love, like it's the only thing in life worth experiencing. Seriously? I wouldn't mind, but do I think it's the most important thing? No. I think it's nice to love, and be romantic, and I hate to crush, but it happens, because it's distracting and my mind is only thinking about you, BUT, love is nice because it gives me ... dare I say joy? But definitely happiness because YOU, I, WE all of a sudden become the WORLD in each other's eyes and that's enough to continue to live and be blind to the rest of the world's troubles isn't it? It's easy that way. Definitely easy to work with someone by your side, but definitely a romantic partner is not the goal, is never the end, but always a means, a way of living. And I see it as optional, to say the least. But what is love? Everyone asks that. It's even a song. It hurts people too, love. Yet there's something so satisfying about love. What about God's love, shouldn't that be our first love? I remember that often actually, but I think it's easy to forget that God's love can be romantic too. I know it it first hand, forshur, and I'll NEVER forget it, those moments where I'm in complete awe and I get the blush because I know God's whispering to me that I'm beautiful and I'm everything He's asking of me and I'm overjoyed. But God is also just and faithful and He can get jealous too. Why have we forgotten that God is our first love? HE IS LOVE. How could I forget that.. I don't know why I'm so angry inside. I don't appear it, but when I start talking about God and love, I get so angry. Is it because my love for God has given me so much pain? It definitely is a possibility. I just wish I knew something for sure. I know that God is there, he exists. But I'm still struggling with the part of love, His love for me, Hell, why can't I look to the cross and see that Jesus died for me. Have I seriously grown numb to that story? Have we all? Because we've heard it so many times? Maybe because we're, like I was addressing in the beginning, NOT GOING OUT AND DOING ANYTHING that we're stuck with the same story that has NO NEW FRESH PERSPECTIVE. There's no breath of fresh air in the Gospel when you don't live it out, am I right? It becomes a dead story in your head that your heart only knows and you grow dry because of it, because you really don't KNOW God at least you don't converse with Him enough to stay in a relationship with Him, one you're willing to keep and go back to. Am I right? I'm right. I'm sure I am. It must be the same for me too. This whole anti-christ is something I can now put a name to the FACT that people are DRIFTING. Sorry for the caps. But we are, and too often wavering in fear, when LOVE should CAST OUT FEAR. So I guess what I should do is get to know God more, and in the sense that God is my true lover, and He is the only person who can fulfill my needs and desires, but SEEK THE KINGDOM FIRST, remember? Meaning, my desires come AFTER my OBEDIENCE TO GOD'S WILL, which essentially is to love others and I say even more than myself. And I'll be moved by the Holy Spirit. That should be enough. But really, as much as duty counts, it's also not what saves us. It's loving God too. But FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD. so you kinda hafta have both. Love God, have faith in Him, Trust that He's taking care of me, But don't forget to listen closely to His commands so that you can obey them, and I'm taking to me too. Obey. Overcome. And that's the line.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Just a couple of things before I head off to class:
Foods I was craving last night:
1) spring rolls
2) fish sticks/ fishballs
What I'm feeling right now:
1) anxiety because I have a critique coming
2) i have a headache from last night
What I'm looking forward to:
1) Thanksgiving break
2) Taking lots and lots of photos in the next months to come
3) Winter break
What I'm not excited for:
1) class registration (not yet at least)
2) the end of the semester (bc it scares me how time flies and things change)
3) my birthday (what is there to doo??!)
What I want for my birthday:
1) A plastic, orange watch (not the flimsy, cheap type)
2) A new camera lens! (telephoto, micro, prime, wide-angle - all the ones i hope to get sooner or later)
3) new shoes/sneaker type
4) the (purple/pink) corduroy pants the girl is wearing in the ipad ad billboard along the fdr - along with the pair of flats that go along with it.
Class time!... ugheeeehhhh
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tell Me
Please, Tell me everything I need to know.
Everything.
Everything.
Tell me I'm wrong. I know I'm wrong, but where? I want to know. I know you have things to say. I have things to say. I want to tell you, but will you hear me? Will you know me then?
Tell me everything I need to know. I want to know too, where you're going in life, how are you doing it? I want to know.
Tell me I'm wrong. Somewhere inside of me I have gone wrong, I made the wrong decision. I feel it inside, please telp me. Tell and help me.
I need you. I need you to show up. You're not the answer, but I need someone I can trust. Someone on the outside. Please tell me. Tell me this was worth it. Tell me I didn't hide it in vain, that my fear was worth the wait.
Please tell me, tell me everything I need to know. I want to know your lies, your worries, your truths, your desires, your pains, tell me what you want me for. I'm no good anymore. Not to you, unless I do something about it.
I'm not doing anything about it because I hate where I've come. I used to be this, and I still am I think inside, but it's gone outside. It's gone forever. I'm not looking back but everything I know is there. Tell me you can be there for me. Tell me everything I need to know.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Please tell me.
I need to know that you're there too, that you're reading this and telling me what I need to know. You have to tell me everything I need to know. I need to know everything.
Please tell me so it won't be forgotten. Please tell me so that I have something to talk about, so I have something to preserve and savor. Please tell me and I will cherish that inside of me, that part of you, I will never forget, but I'll carry it around with me, even if I don't carry around a purse. You'll be a part of me. So don't hold back and tell me.
Please, I need to know. If you're okay, I know, no one is okay, but we have to try so that life isn't anything below a dull slate, a charter to navigate anywhere but here, not my memory, not anything that I can take myself back to and like dolls we'll be.
Please, I have time. All the time you need, every minute, every second, I can devote to you. I have that time, you have it to tell me to sit here and listen. I will listen, closely, but tell me.
I will be there, you have done so much to love me, so I will be there to listen. Don't be scared. I have time to offer you, but I won't be here forever. It'll pass, too, my time will fade and you will miss me, we'll miss each other, we'll pass right by each other like strangers, and we'll never see each other ever again. You're missing it. You really are.
It's now or too late, It's too late. It's getting late, you should go. I don't want you to tell me anymore. It's too late, and I'm gone. I'm here, but I don't care anymore. I'll let you go as easily as releasing a boat from the dock, set you to sea, and never care again or anymore for the loss was nothing, the loss was never there. The loss was nothing.
It's time to go. It's time to turn around, and turn around, and turn around, and keep turning. You'll never head in a straight direction, you're always swerving off track, like a drunk driver. How could you miss the signs? How did you miss it. How could you?
It's time to go. Your chance is gone, but maybe I have a second one to pull out of my heart to give you. I'll give you a second chance. Try again, maybe I'll let you speak then, again. I'll let you talk, but it'll be quick. Don't apologize. Just talk and see if my compassion goes with it. Can you make me fly with you? I'm sure I have wings. I'll just fly with you if you let me, but we'll see. I'll see if it's okay, if it's safe. It better be safe. It'll be exciting won't it, exhilarating to fly above the landscape and see tiny houses below, with sienna colored roof tops and beaches with neon colored water that fade in and out with white foams that look like shaving cream when you'll shave your mustache in front of my bathroom mirror. You'll make toothbrush marks on my mirror, you will I know.
I'll be your maid and I'll pick up your socks. I'll do the laundry for you. No, I'll buy us a car and then we'll have plenty of arguments in the car and I'll roll down my window for some polluted air to clog my lungs, blasted pollution.
The buzz of the radio will be like a rocket and science and mad men singing or popping with their lips and giving a dirty beat to the song, noise music, like bang bang bang, bong.
I'll get a headache and you'll get sick, okay? I'll find the medicine section at the store and extinguish some of the germs in our house, okay? I'll make the spaghetti tonight and you'll clean the stove, okay? How about I wash the dishes tonight, and you'll clean the table. Go on, I'll do it, I'l make it happen. Every night, I'll wrap up the day, and you won't have said a word, not a murmur, but the one hidden in your deep, confused heart. How sad it will sit there, alone, waiting to come to words that my ears can hear.
Speak. Talk. Let me know what you want me to hear. Tell me everything I need to know. This is communication. And I hope I can articulate well, enough to not mess up, enough to get my point across. Tell me and I won't get mad at you. I won't yell or hold inside bitterness because there's no need for that. It's pointless, it's wreck. We'll talk this over dim sum. Have a cup of tea, eat some chicken feet. Come on, you're keeping me waiting. This is what you're doing to me. You'll never know. That's sad.
How can I tell you that I love you, anyways. Anyways, I'll love you. I don't care. I'll love you. Let the sharks swim in the water, I'll be too scared to jump into the water to risk my own life to save you. Would I be that selfish? I don't know. Let's just hope you're smart enough not to go too far out into the ocean, where the deep sea creatures might snatch you and take you away from me.
Tell me everything I need to know. I want to know too, where you're going in life, how are you doing it? I want to know.
Tell me I'm wrong. Somewhere inside of me I have gone wrong, I made the wrong decision. I feel it inside, please telp me. Tell and help me.
I need you. I need you to show up. You're not the answer, but I need someone I can trust. Someone on the outside. Please tell me. Tell me this was worth it. Tell me I didn't hide it in vain, that my fear was worth the wait.
Please tell me, tell me everything I need to know. I want to know your lies, your worries, your truths, your desires, your pains, tell me what you want me for. I'm no good anymore. Not to you, unless I do something about it.
I'm not doing anything about it because I hate where I've come. I used to be this, and I still am I think inside, but it's gone outside. It's gone forever. I'm not looking back but everything I know is there. Tell me you can be there for me. Tell me everything I need to know.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Please tell me.
I need to know that you're there too, that you're reading this and telling me what I need to know. You have to tell me everything I need to know. I need to know everything.
Please tell me so it won't be forgotten. Please tell me so that I have something to talk about, so I have something to preserve and savor. Please tell me and I will cherish that inside of me, that part of you, I will never forget, but I'll carry it around with me, even if I don't carry around a purse. You'll be a part of me. So don't hold back and tell me.
Please, I need to know. If you're okay, I know, no one is okay, but we have to try so that life isn't anything below a dull slate, a charter to navigate anywhere but here, not my memory, not anything that I can take myself back to and like dolls we'll be.
Please, I have time. All the time you need, every minute, every second, I can devote to you. I have that time, you have it to tell me to sit here and listen. I will listen, closely, but tell me.
I will be there, you have done so much to love me, so I will be there to listen. Don't be scared. I have time to offer you, but I won't be here forever. It'll pass, too, my time will fade and you will miss me, we'll miss each other, we'll pass right by each other like strangers, and we'll never see each other ever again. You're missing it. You really are.
It's now or too late, It's too late. It's getting late, you should go. I don't want you to tell me anymore. It's too late, and I'm gone. I'm here, but I don't care anymore. I'll let you go as easily as releasing a boat from the dock, set you to sea, and never care again or anymore for the loss was nothing, the loss was never there. The loss was nothing.
It's time to go. It's time to turn around, and turn around, and turn around, and keep turning. You'll never head in a straight direction, you're always swerving off track, like a drunk driver. How could you miss the signs? How did you miss it. How could you?
It's time to go. Your chance is gone, but maybe I have a second one to pull out of my heart to give you. I'll give you a second chance. Try again, maybe I'll let you speak then, again. I'll let you talk, but it'll be quick. Don't apologize. Just talk and see if my compassion goes with it. Can you make me fly with you? I'm sure I have wings. I'll just fly with you if you let me, but we'll see. I'll see if it's okay, if it's safe. It better be safe. It'll be exciting won't it, exhilarating to fly above the landscape and see tiny houses below, with sienna colored roof tops and beaches with neon colored water that fade in and out with white foams that look like shaving cream when you'll shave your mustache in front of my bathroom mirror. You'll make toothbrush marks on my mirror, you will I know.
I'll be your maid and I'll pick up your socks. I'll do the laundry for you. No, I'll buy us a car and then we'll have plenty of arguments in the car and I'll roll down my window for some polluted air to clog my lungs, blasted pollution.
The buzz of the radio will be like a rocket and science and mad men singing or popping with their lips and giving a dirty beat to the song, noise music, like bang bang bang, bong.
I'll get a headache and you'll get sick, okay? I'll find the medicine section at the store and extinguish some of the germs in our house, okay? I'll make the spaghetti tonight and you'll clean the stove, okay? How about I wash the dishes tonight, and you'll clean the table. Go on, I'll do it, I'l make it happen. Every night, I'll wrap up the day, and you won't have said a word, not a murmur, but the one hidden in your deep, confused heart. How sad it will sit there, alone, waiting to come to words that my ears can hear.
Speak. Talk. Let me know what you want me to hear. Tell me everything I need to know. This is communication. And I hope I can articulate well, enough to not mess up, enough to get my point across. Tell me and I won't get mad at you. I won't yell or hold inside bitterness because there's no need for that. It's pointless, it's wreck. We'll talk this over dim sum. Have a cup of tea, eat some chicken feet. Come on, you're keeping me waiting. This is what you're doing to me. You'll never know. That's sad.
How can I tell you that I love you, anyways. Anyways, I'll love you. I don't care. I'll love you. Let the sharks swim in the water, I'll be too scared to jump into the water to risk my own life to save you. Would I be that selfish? I don't know. Let's just hope you're smart enough not to go too far out into the ocean, where the deep sea creatures might snatch you and take you away from me.
What Am I Doing
I'll do anything to get attention, but I hate it too.
This is what you're doing to me. You leave me with my desires, and I want to kill them. Why am I beautiful. I hate your glare, the perverse thoughts you put in my mind, it seeps into my gut and I am sick inside.
You tell me that I'm beautiful, but I hate being beautiful. You made me this way. You killed my beauty, you killed the laughter inside of me. You, strangled me and suffocated my beauty.
I draw on my face. Is that enough to show you how much I despise myself. To show you that I don't care, I don't give a damn about what you think about me, because who are you. I am me, I stick to myself because no one else gives a damn. They just wish they did. I can deform myself, this face, I hate it so much, make this sick desire go away. You hate me, and I love it. Keep it up. I love it.
Go on, tell me that you're sorry, that you like me. I just won't hear you out. I'd hate to disappoint you you know. Come on, let's see what else you have for me. Give it to me. What else are you hiding in your back pocket. Come one, give it to me.
This is it. It's nothing. It's everything and you make it everything, but it's not. Not even. Not at all. Nothing.
You make it such a big deal. It is, but it's crap. It's everything, inside, hiding, disguised, hurting, feeling, hurt.
You make it so. You make me feel inferior. You suck my powers, or is it my fear. You make me scared. Scared to show anything at all. You're dangerous. You really are. And it hurts. So bad.
Am I enough? Can you take that? Can you take me? Everything? Which is nothing? Am I enough? Can you handle this? Really? I don't think so. You'll always want more. You always want more. It's natural, it's always gonna be this way. You're always wanting more, and I don't think I can give it all to you. I have nothing, and yet I have one glimmer of hope that's something so small in a vacuum of abject darkness. Can you take that? Can you make it grow instead? I have it, inside of me. But you're scared too. And you make me scared too. And we all become scared.
But I hate this. I hate this beauty. But I want it. I want you.
That's it. There's nothing more. Can you handle that? Can you still love me for everything and the nothing that I am? I'm sure you can, I hope you can. I hope someone will.
Because it's useless. Why can't I show myself. Why do you have to be so sinful. Why is this world so dangerous. Why am I so scared. Why are you so vain? Why can't you be noble and strong and support me. You can, I know you can. But I haven't found you yet. Can you take me? All that I am, the ugly and the bright? Am I nothing? Am I everything? Am I enough? Am I good enough? I think I am, but then why is everyone telling me a different story? People are tricking me. My mind is in a continuous loop. Please help me. I want to be stable. I want to think, but I hate to be alone. I would hate to deny myself the glory that could be, the beauty that could be, the vanity that could kill me. If only I had will power, the strength, and the courage.
Fear is disgusting. I hate it, so much. It tortures me and I hate that I can't breathe. I hate that it feels like my head is muffled and someone is suffocating me. I hate how I care and then I don't care, but I do care. I hate how people say different things, and it gets me confused, it gets me lost, and I feel sick.
I wander again, in search for answers, in search for truth, in search for someone who I can trust who will lead the way and tell me what is good and what is right and how I can be noble too. How I can behave and have confidence in what I do. Because it gets to me, how people behave and show themselves. I see it, and I get sick inside because I don't know who I am then, and I don't know what I'm living for. And I get scared, and I get timid and I do stupid things.
I'm sorry if this bothers you. How is control a good or bad thing? Can you help me? Can you really be there for me to the end? I am yearning for someone to be there, to love me, and to want to make me the best I can be. I don't know what I want, I hate my chains, the lies he tell. It sickens my whole soul. It crumbles, quakes, and quivers like a spindle of web that is delicate and being bossed around by the wind that is taunting and demeaning and scary and uncontrollable, and it engulfs me, telling me what to do, who am I, I am this. Yes! I am this. Please, please accept this and I will live on. To question, to wander, to nullify, to exactify, to petrify myself with loss and hurt and pain and a never-ending flow of criticism and hurt and judgement and stabs of deathly curiosity and you know it. You know that I will fall, I will crash and burn, but I will grow up again through and through, wearied in the rubble and happy at once but completely sad the next and it will go on and on and on. Can you accept this.
Can you accept the cycle, the continuum, the volcanoes, and the ashes, the burn, the toil, the torment, the tug, the war. Can you accept this.
This is what you're doing to me. You leave me with my desires, and I want to kill them. Why am I beautiful. I hate your glare, the perverse thoughts you put in my mind, it seeps into my gut and I am sick inside.
You tell me that I'm beautiful, but I hate being beautiful. You made me this way. You killed my beauty, you killed the laughter inside of me. You, strangled me and suffocated my beauty.
I draw on my face. Is that enough to show you how much I despise myself. To show you that I don't care, I don't give a damn about what you think about me, because who are you. I am me, I stick to myself because no one else gives a damn. They just wish they did. I can deform myself, this face, I hate it so much, make this sick desire go away. You hate me, and I love it. Keep it up. I love it.
Go on, tell me that you're sorry, that you like me. I just won't hear you out. I'd hate to disappoint you you know. Come on, let's see what else you have for me. Give it to me. What else are you hiding in your back pocket. Come one, give it to me.
This is it. It's nothing. It's everything and you make it everything, but it's not. Not even. Not at all. Nothing.
You make it such a big deal. It is, but it's crap. It's everything, inside, hiding, disguised, hurting, feeling, hurt.
You make it so. You make me feel inferior. You suck my powers, or is it my fear. You make me scared. Scared to show anything at all. You're dangerous. You really are. And it hurts. So bad.
Am I enough? Can you take that? Can you take me? Everything? Which is nothing? Am I enough? Can you handle this? Really? I don't think so. You'll always want more. You always want more. It's natural, it's always gonna be this way. You're always wanting more, and I don't think I can give it all to you. I have nothing, and yet I have one glimmer of hope that's something so small in a vacuum of abject darkness. Can you take that? Can you make it grow instead? I have it, inside of me. But you're scared too. And you make me scared too. And we all become scared.
But I hate this. I hate this beauty. But I want it. I want you.
That's it. There's nothing more. Can you handle that? Can you still love me for everything and the nothing that I am? I'm sure you can, I hope you can. I hope someone will.
Because it's useless. Why can't I show myself. Why do you have to be so sinful. Why is this world so dangerous. Why am I so scared. Why are you so vain? Why can't you be noble and strong and support me. You can, I know you can. But I haven't found you yet. Can you take me? All that I am, the ugly and the bright? Am I nothing? Am I everything? Am I enough? Am I good enough? I think I am, but then why is everyone telling me a different story? People are tricking me. My mind is in a continuous loop. Please help me. I want to be stable. I want to think, but I hate to be alone. I would hate to deny myself the glory that could be, the beauty that could be, the vanity that could kill me. If only I had will power, the strength, and the courage.
Fear is disgusting. I hate it, so much. It tortures me and I hate that I can't breathe. I hate that it feels like my head is muffled and someone is suffocating me. I hate how I care and then I don't care, but I do care. I hate how people say different things, and it gets me confused, it gets me lost, and I feel sick.
I wander again, in search for answers, in search for truth, in search for someone who I can trust who will lead the way and tell me what is good and what is right and how I can be noble too. How I can behave and have confidence in what I do. Because it gets to me, how people behave and show themselves. I see it, and I get sick inside because I don't know who I am then, and I don't know what I'm living for. And I get scared, and I get timid and I do stupid things.
I'm sorry if this bothers you. How is control a good or bad thing? Can you help me? Can you really be there for me to the end? I am yearning for someone to be there, to love me, and to want to make me the best I can be. I don't know what I want, I hate my chains, the lies he tell. It sickens my whole soul. It crumbles, quakes, and quivers like a spindle of web that is delicate and being bossed around by the wind that is taunting and demeaning and scary and uncontrollable, and it engulfs me, telling me what to do, who am I, I am this. Yes! I am this. Please, please accept this and I will live on. To question, to wander, to nullify, to exactify, to petrify myself with loss and hurt and pain and a never-ending flow of criticism and hurt and judgement and stabs of deathly curiosity and you know it. You know that I will fall, I will crash and burn, but I will grow up again through and through, wearied in the rubble and happy at once but completely sad the next and it will go on and on and on. Can you accept this.
Can you accept the cycle, the continuum, the volcanoes, and the ashes, the burn, the toil, the torment, the tug, the war. Can you accept this.
Monday, October 25, 2010
An Early Christmas
Hey folks!
I am supposing that even in the midst of life's struggles, you are hanging in there and doing your best.
This year has an early Christmas for me. I am already thinking about Christmas lights and wonderful gift wraps and the smell of warm-lit candles and seeing smiles and people with Christmas sweaters on, family gathering together to have a feast! This Christmas of 2010 is a highly anticipated one. I am completely skipping over Halloween (not that I ever even 'celebrated' it) and Thanksgiving, for some odd reason. In fact, I am officially far-sighted. Not physically, not prescription-wise, but conceptually, I am far-sighted - foreal.
Although these past few days I have been easing back into the school mindset (coming back from Fall Break), my mind can stretch so far into the future and I can just rest my eyes in contemplating those images and ideas even though sometimes I would rather not. Things like death, if ever I marry, going to China to work with my aunt who is a missionary to reach out to the people, things like my graduation ceremony, using graphic design as an awesome tool for communicating visually and effectively, ideas to the world.
Nevertheless, my Christmas mood is on, and I'm even skipping over the "excitement" of my birthday (turning 19 will be like turning 17 again. I don't know why these two ages as numbers seem to fall flat. 20 will forshur throw me into some kind of frenzy about how I'm getting old, I know it). Christmas, I was singing "Jingle Bell Rock" in the elevator even before Fall Break began. What is that? It's an anticipation for a joyous Christmas and I know I won't be disappointed.
Life is, surprisingly, not too much of an object of despise after all. It's... actually quite marvelous and something worth celebrating. I can already see landmarks in my life just playing themselves out. It's as if God has placed stepping stones in my life. : )
As for school, I suffered a minor dip in grades for my illness and mis-behavior, but I don't regret it. I'm living in such a way where I consider all that I do worth something, learning from my mistakes, and taking the time to figure things out - it's all worth something.
Nevertheless, Thanksgiving break is still upon us. I have about five days off including traveling days. I don't know how I feel about that. Anyways, I have much work to do right now. I'm in a position where I'm working right up to the deadline, not that it's necessarily bad, but it's pressure-some and I hafta stay on top of the pressure, keep my head high if I want to be the best of the best.
For now, cheers to jolly end of the year as 2010 comes to a quick close. Honestly, I can't recount anything of 2001-2009, it's all a blur.
I am supposing that even in the midst of life's struggles, you are hanging in there and doing your best.
This year has an early Christmas for me. I am already thinking about Christmas lights and wonderful gift wraps and the smell of warm-lit candles and seeing smiles and people with Christmas sweaters on, family gathering together to have a feast! This Christmas of 2010 is a highly anticipated one. I am completely skipping over Halloween (not that I ever even 'celebrated' it) and Thanksgiving, for some odd reason. In fact, I am officially far-sighted. Not physically, not prescription-wise, but conceptually, I am far-sighted - foreal.
Although these past few days I have been easing back into the school mindset (coming back from Fall Break), my mind can stretch so far into the future and I can just rest my eyes in contemplating those images and ideas even though sometimes I would rather not. Things like death, if ever I marry, going to China to work with my aunt who is a missionary to reach out to the people, things like my graduation ceremony, using graphic design as an awesome tool for communicating visually and effectively, ideas to the world.
Nevertheless, my Christmas mood is on, and I'm even skipping over the "excitement" of my birthday (turning 19 will be like turning 17 again. I don't know why these two ages as numbers seem to fall flat. 20 will forshur throw me into some kind of frenzy about how I'm getting old, I know it). Christmas, I was singing "Jingle Bell Rock" in the elevator even before Fall Break began. What is that? It's an anticipation for a joyous Christmas and I know I won't be disappointed.
Life is, surprisingly, not too much of an object of despise after all. It's... actually quite marvelous and something worth celebrating. I can already see landmarks in my life just playing themselves out. It's as if God has placed stepping stones in my life. : )
As for school, I suffered a minor dip in grades for my illness and mis-behavior, but I don't regret it. I'm living in such a way where I consider all that I do worth something, learning from my mistakes, and taking the time to figure things out - it's all worth something.
Nevertheless, Thanksgiving break is still upon us. I have about five days off including traveling days. I don't know how I feel about that. Anyways, I have much work to do right now. I'm in a position where I'm working right up to the deadline, not that it's necessarily bad, but it's pressure-some and I hafta stay on top of the pressure, keep my head high if I want to be the best of the best.
For now, cheers to jolly end of the year as 2010 comes to a quick close. Honestly, I can't recount anything of 2001-2009, it's all a blur.
Monday, October 11, 2010
These past two weeks have been all over the place. I got sick and work just piled up and up and up but I've been tackling them one by one. Unfortunately I have to go back to some work to revise them, but God's been really sustaining me throughout. He's been encouraging me when I get discouraged and He gives me a lot of joy and happiness, more than I've had in a long time. I'm really blessed and grateful for where I am, no matter how many times I say I'm getting fat, cus I am. But to me, getting fat is not a pressure to be skinny, but it tells me that I'm not staying fit and not eating healthy. NEVER BUY COOKIES FROM A STORE OR ANY JUNK FOOD FOR THAT MATTER IF YOU WALK IN HUNGRY CUS YOU'LL END UP BUYING IT AND FEELING GUILTY FOR EATING IT. Sorry, had to use caps. Anyways, God's been faithful and I'm not just saying that because it's his character, but because I've experienced it over and over again, God's amazing grace. It's humbling.
I've been really enjoying myself lately too. I know life moves forward and I get nostalgic, but I've learned to enjoy the moment and present.
An update on classes:
With my Digital Photography I class, I've been getting more comfortable carrying a camera around. I've, of course, also taken a lot of pictures lately. I made my first print today! And it came out nice so I'm very satisfied with that. Check out flickr for my updates ;]
http://www.flickr.com/photos/29884965@N04/
My Video I class is a steady struggle, but I enjoy editing videos and seeing the outcome. So far, I've achieved 2 awesome videos that are cheesy but nonetheless well executed :) haha. My first project was to create a video structured around the alphabet, each shot representing a letter of the alphabet (A-Z). The shots have to be connected in some way, so I based my video around the concept of, well, being in college and separating from my parents (it was September and school was beginning so what can I say, haha).
The second video project was to create a self-portrait. I had the hardest time envisioning this video because there were so many ways I could have done it. Only 5 of the frames could have the human element in it and the rest had to be a shot of something else. I did it! I had strong shots, but my teacher said I needed to start breaking the expected, which is an exciting challenge for me.
In Modernism and After (woo! my first dose of art history!) I recently had to write a critical lens essay comparing two artworks. I submitted the essay and the teacher left a really awesome and encouraging comment I know God set in her heart to say, because today in Digital Photography class I was really discouraged by a critique I read online for my Graphic Design class and I said I was discouraged to my friend (and I guess God heard it too even before it came out of my mouth) and tonight alone, I've received two really encouraging comments - one by my Modernism teacher, and the other by my Typography teacher.
Speaking of Typography I, we're getting into some serious stuff now. I'm so glad the teacher sees me as a "steadfast, and strong student." I am so thankful God has been reassuring me when times get tough. The funnest project we've had so far was coloring in the patterns we made out of a single letter of the alphabet. I created two color renditions of three patterns. I wish I could post them up on flickr, but the colors get screwed up, so maybe one day I'll post my designs on fb.
Hm, Creativity and Genius (a kind of humanities, philosophy class) is my most anticipated class ever. The teacher is amazing. He is a historian, middle-aged, and passionate about what he teaches. We truly have the best discussions in that class. At the beginning of the semester, we spent the entire class getting to know each other's names :P He made us write our name, our hometown, our horoscope, and our favorite thing. Stephanie Har, New York, Sagittarius, being with my family around a meal.
Michael Sizer, is his name. After memorizing all of our names on the first day, I was really encouraged that care was set in some of our hearts.
Recently, we had to write a paper on whether Prometheus and Victor Frankenstein (or the Modern Prometheus) was a hero or an example of hubris. I brainstormed a LOT, and wrote my paper. I said that Prometheus was a hero and Frankenstein was an example of hubris with a redeeming chance. Email me for the paper ;] sehnea129@gmail.com
Graphic Design I class is an unstable class. It's the class where anything can happen to you that week. I've been losing my vigor in this class because although design is such a set thing, style changes. I don't know why but I choose this class to push my artwork and designs. So sometimes my ideas fail because it doesn't fit the "mold," but I try. My first success was creating icons of architecture using a couple of geometric shapes that could be resized. I made an icon out of the Sydney opera house, the Great Wall of China, the Eiffel Tower, Tiennamen Square, and the Empire State building (I'll post these up one day). My second project was to create a layout for a magazine about the evolution of swimwear. I created my swimsuit layout and was 80% pleased after revisions. My third project, and I'm in the revision stages, is to create a poster for the play "A Streetcar Named Desire," by Tenessee Williams. I came up with a pretty solid poster, but it turned out more Shakespeare than Tenessee Williams, which is why I have to (basically) redo a lot of things to make it more down-to-earth. [sigh]
So that's 6 classes this semester and me juggling work day to day. I've gotten (probably) super good at managing time. I actually have 4 functioning schedules: my agenda, my calendar pinned to the wall, post-it notes, and my assignment papers pinned to the same wall as the calendar going in order of most upcoming due assignment.
And at the end of this week's postings are my two tickets to and from NY.
:)
It's getting late, and I have to shower, but I just wanted to update you on my school life and what God has been doing lately, which is encouraging me from time to time. He's given me awesome siblings who are there for me, and super parents who are at home working away and taking care of things. May we continue to listen to his heeds, love Him, and never give up. Good night yall, and peace out.
I've been really enjoying myself lately too. I know life moves forward and I get nostalgic, but I've learned to enjoy the moment and present.
An update on classes:
With my Digital Photography I class, I've been getting more comfortable carrying a camera around. I've, of course, also taken a lot of pictures lately. I made my first print today! And it came out nice so I'm very satisfied with that. Check out flickr for my updates ;]
http://www.flickr.com/photos/29884965@N04/
My Video I class is a steady struggle, but I enjoy editing videos and seeing the outcome. So far, I've achieved 2 awesome videos that are cheesy but nonetheless well executed :) haha. My first project was to create a video structured around the alphabet, each shot representing a letter of the alphabet (A-Z). The shots have to be connected in some way, so I based my video around the concept of, well, being in college and separating from my parents (it was September and school was beginning so what can I say, haha).
The second video project was to create a self-portrait. I had the hardest time envisioning this video because there were so many ways I could have done it. Only 5 of the frames could have the human element in it and the rest had to be a shot of something else. I did it! I had strong shots, but my teacher said I needed to start breaking the expected, which is an exciting challenge for me.
In Modernism and After (woo! my first dose of art history!) I recently had to write a critical lens essay comparing two artworks. I submitted the essay and the teacher left a really awesome and encouraging comment I know God set in her heart to say, because today in Digital Photography class I was really discouraged by a critique I read online for my Graphic Design class and I said I was discouraged to my friend (and I guess God heard it too even before it came out of my mouth) and tonight alone, I've received two really encouraging comments - one by my Modernism teacher, and the other by my Typography teacher.
Speaking of Typography I, we're getting into some serious stuff now. I'm so glad the teacher sees me as a "steadfast, and strong student." I am so thankful God has been reassuring me when times get tough. The funnest project we've had so far was coloring in the patterns we made out of a single letter of the alphabet. I created two color renditions of three patterns. I wish I could post them up on flickr, but the colors get screwed up, so maybe one day I'll post my designs on fb.
Hm, Creativity and Genius (a kind of humanities, philosophy class) is my most anticipated class ever. The teacher is amazing. He is a historian, middle-aged, and passionate about what he teaches. We truly have the best discussions in that class. At the beginning of the semester, we spent the entire class getting to know each other's names :P He made us write our name, our hometown, our horoscope, and our favorite thing. Stephanie Har, New York, Sagittarius, being with my family around a meal.
Michael Sizer, is his name. After memorizing all of our names on the first day, I was really encouraged that care was set in some of our hearts.
Recently, we had to write a paper on whether Prometheus and Victor Frankenstein (or the Modern Prometheus) was a hero or an example of hubris. I brainstormed a LOT, and wrote my paper. I said that Prometheus was a hero and Frankenstein was an example of hubris with a redeeming chance. Email me for the paper ;] sehnea129@gmail.com
Graphic Design I class is an unstable class. It's the class where anything can happen to you that week. I've been losing my vigor in this class because although design is such a set thing, style changes. I don't know why but I choose this class to push my artwork and designs. So sometimes my ideas fail because it doesn't fit the "mold," but I try. My first success was creating icons of architecture using a couple of geometric shapes that could be resized. I made an icon out of the Sydney opera house, the Great Wall of China, the Eiffel Tower, Tiennamen Square, and the Empire State building (I'll post these up one day). My second project was to create a layout for a magazine about the evolution of swimwear. I created my swimsuit layout and was 80% pleased after revisions. My third project, and I'm in the revision stages, is to create a poster for the play "A Streetcar Named Desire," by Tenessee Williams. I came up with a pretty solid poster, but it turned out more Shakespeare than Tenessee Williams, which is why I have to (basically) redo a lot of things to make it more down-to-earth. [sigh]
So that's 6 classes this semester and me juggling work day to day. I've gotten (probably) super good at managing time. I actually have 4 functioning schedules: my agenda, my calendar pinned to the wall, post-it notes, and my assignment papers pinned to the same wall as the calendar going in order of most upcoming due assignment.
And at the end of this week's postings are my two tickets to and from NY.
:)
It's getting late, and I have to shower, but I just wanted to update you on my school life and what God has been doing lately, which is encouraging me from time to time. He's given me awesome siblings who are there for me, and super parents who are at home working away and taking care of things. May we continue to listen to his heeds, love Him, and never give up. Good night yall, and peace out.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Work-Out
I've been sick these past few days. I still am, with a bottle of water and a pack of saltine crackers by my side. I've never felt this uncivilized and careless before, but I love having not to care and taking care of myself finally. I believe I've worked myself down to being ill, like Frankenstein. I'm taking on 4 studios and two academics and I've never felt this cornered in education. At the same time, I feel like my life is so pourous, I have enough people to keep me afloat so long as I seek them out and share life's troubles and tribulations with them. It's all better because of my parents, my siblings, the random people I meet along the way. It's truly beautiful. As I now stand, I am a little over a week away from fall break and my life with God is much better and more honest and I couldn't be more myself these days. I've loosened up, forshur, but I just seem to drift with time this time, to feel like I'm floating when I walk down the street and people are just a glaze over my eyes. Is this what it means to be open and vulnerable, to just be myself? Well everything's sure gonna fly if it is. And seriously? Why did winter have to butcher fall like that. I didn't even get to enjoy any crunchy leaves yet and everyone's up in scarves and winter coats, believe it or not. The weather's crazy but I can't say my life's not the same. One day, I'm this, the other day, I'm that, and changes are happening so fast I can't even slow down to appreciate anything. Actually, that's false, those moments to appreciate something are always fleeting, but i'll never forget people who treat me with kindness and who love me and take time out of their schedule to see how I'm doing and if I need help. My health these days I feel is plummetting. I feel like i just cut off five to ten years of my life right here, right then, right now. One day, in the middle of the night, I was pierced with the deepest feeling of sadness I had ever felt before. It wasn't just a feeling of being sad, it was like it stabbed-poked me right in the heart or gut. And then it went away. Another night, I was so restless in my sleep because I was so sick that all I could say was to ask God to come back to me, to heal me, and to forgive me. I told him I wasn't mad at him anymore, nor was I bitter towards him. He was all right with me and I wouldn't hold anything against him anymore. I felt waves coming over my body. My nerves seemed to tingle like jellyfish in the water for a few seconds, and I felt restored, I felt like I had some strength back to overcome this sickness. Something tylenol can't overcome. I now feel like i have work to do, to catch up on. It wouldn't be the same if my family was physically here for me. But I'm glad God has given me at least one person I can go to who lives right next door to me. I'm quite thankful for her, and I'll see it as a give and take kind of a thing, where if one day she gets sick, I'll be sure to cook her some soup too and clean up after her mess. And if I get sick, she'll pick up the slack for me too. I keep imagining and I can't wait until I plop myself into the chair of that MVP coach bus to go back to new york. I AM NOT TRANSFERRING. I just want to snuggle in that seat, look out the window, and think about ways I can be all that I can be for my parents. When people said college would be life-transforming, I took it lightly, like they were just exaggerating a big, even though I actually felt inside like entering college felt like I was at the tippy top of the roller coaster and I was going to be in an uncontrollable force just taking me away to things I never before imagined. I'm still on that ride, don't think I'm getting off any time soon. But moments like going home is worth everything to me. What would I do without breaks like this. Sometimes, I still wish I had my 8 Summerland Lane house back in Briarcliff, where memories and places in my home would heal me all on its own just by being there and nothing more. But now it's so hard to find a place of comfort where everything sooths me and says that everything is ok, I'll make it, there's more to look forward to in life. I just hope that when my family moves on that we'll still be together and close at heart, never forgetting the good times we had together. I wish my life weren't as ordinary as others, but honestly, every child who grows up has to face adulthood and we have to be there for each other. It's not reasonable to be reflecting all the time, but I don't want to skip anything and come back to it later. I want life to happen naturally and I want God to lead me. Let things roll, no matter how weird it feels, how strange and foreign it will appear, because I tell myself I'd go to heaven any day to be with God, but that going through life as long as it's fast will also be fine. I just hope I cling on and never lose sight of what's important. Stop being selfish, stop judging, but I have to take care of myself too and life is always unexpected. Ok, let's go.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars
Bruno Mar's "Just the Way You Are" is an amazing song. The first time I heard it was when I was in Costco buying things with my brother and mom looking to buy food for the BBQ. I remember feeling so touched by the words. I felt beautiful and it's like this new air came about me, like I had no worries. I can speak for almost every woman that what Bruno Mar's sees when he envisioned these lyrics is beautiful. His understanding and love is perfectly translated into this song, and my heart flutters every time I hear it.
Actually, in Costco, when this song came on, I was really taken aback. I was like "whoa, lyrics that speak to me" and not only me but every woman who hears this song. It's not just a message, it's not indirect, it's like a lullaby that every woman wants to hear. It's not "she's amazing," it's "YOU'RE amazing... just the way YOU are." I'm pretty sure Mars is dedicating this song with someone on his heart, but by making this song public, he has given a gift to us woman, a new and revitalizing kind of confidence. In light of this, THANK YOU BRUNO MARS FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL HEART.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5lO4hEAJHU
Actually, in Costco, when this song came on, I was really taken aback. I was like "whoa, lyrics that speak to me" and not only me but every woman who hears this song. It's not just a message, it's not indirect, it's like a lullaby that every woman wants to hear. It's not "she's amazing," it's "YOU'RE amazing... just the way YOU are." I'm pretty sure Mars is dedicating this song with someone on his heart, but by making this song public, he has given a gift to us woman, a new and revitalizing kind of confidence. In light of this, THANK YOU BRUNO MARS FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL HEART.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5lO4hEAJHU
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
There is such a strong desire to be ignorant when being with someone you so intimately trusted brought you so much pain as well, and fear and love dragged this pain out into suffering. Christianity is such a turn-off because of this. What is Christianity anyways? What does it mean to believe in God? All I know is that there's this really sweet and tender voice that whispers to my heart and I cry because even if I keep wanting to run away, I know that his story is bigger than mine, and that without it, I would crumble flat, completely.
Overcome. meaning I can't just get through once. I need to get through it all up until the very end. But, I also realize that people are so comfortable feeling safely coated in the ideas of human love, humor, and pleasure. I've been trying to put myself back into the social layer where everything that reaches the sky is like an imaginary forcefield that will keep harm away from my soul. But in doing so, I gave God whatever leftovers I had from that day, sometimes even going on for three days before searching for God's presence again. His and my parents' love have been sustaining me thus far. It feels like it will never be used up.
Overcome. meaning I can't just get through once. I need to get through it all up until the very end. But, I also realize that people are so comfortable feeling safely coated in the ideas of human love, humor, and pleasure. I've been trying to put myself back into the social layer where everything that reaches the sky is like an imaginary forcefield that will keep harm away from my soul. But in doing so, I gave God whatever leftovers I had from that day, sometimes even going on for three days before searching for God's presence again. His and my parents' love have been sustaining me thus far. It feels like it will never be used up.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Inspiration, Love, Encouragement
When there's nothing to look to, you'll be inspired, you'll be encouraged. When you look, simply look, you'll find someone who loves and someone who's kind, and you'll forever appreciate them. It took me a long time to break down the barrier in my mind, but I'm here now, and I'm going to keep loving, and keep expanding this heart of mine until my job is done. There are no words for gratitude towards someone unless you love them back with all you've got, no matter what. It's senseless but it's the best of ourselves we can offer, and you'll never know how much change you can cause just by being yourself, smiling, and having fun, because everyone's got a blind side, and people coming and going and watching and looking and being inspired by what they see. I love you, I've always appreciated your enduring love and kindness and your enthusiasm and determination. You are brilliant, you are love, you attract people to you because you care, and I hope we can be abundant in love no matter what. Thank youu!! <3 Always, your enduring smile, your gratitude, is seen and appreciated and it inspires and encourages and passes on love. Thank you.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Let Your Mind Go
By Stephanie Har
I have no expectations of you,
Let your mind go,
Feel the muscles under your skin,
Let your mind flow,
Why do you keep the sun from me,
I know you're not heartless,
That worry is a beast,
You don't need a face-lift,
Meditate, don't hesitate,
What you feel inside,
I let my worries go,
I let it flow, I see my mind fly,
Don't gravitate, necessitate,
Cus' all I need is love,
But I got that, you shot whaat?
Bang! Bang!
I let the fireworks go,
You thought it was a gun,
Your mind?
Oh no,
Throw it in the air,
See if I care, I do!
Commonly, most horribly our minds go blank,
SPLAT! commonly most horribly,
That is what is best,
Let your mind free, be me,
Lose your worries to the wind,
Be free, see me,
Cus' then there is no end
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Summer Squirt
I recently learned the phrase, "Just going through the motions." It means doing things physically but not engaging the heart, mind, and soul - or in other words, not being present. Sometimes I feel that way, as if I'm just a fish being pulled at the end of the string by the hook of Time. I'm being dragged and I can't seem to catch up.
This summer has been a complete haze for the reason that I often focus on my growth as a person. When I'm reflecting on my growth, I get displaced from my immediate surroundings and I miss out on the physical activities that are happening at the moment. That's why when I recount the past, I can only trace emotional or spiritual memories, or more so the circumstances in which affected these aspects. By focusing on what I felt during the time or how I connected with people, I rarely record the facts of time or physical events. I know people who can recount events like so-and-so went here, and had this kind of a fruity drink, and lost his pajamas in the sand at the beach next to the guy who looked salmon-red under a rainbow umbrella, but I'm wired differently.
This summer had no beginning. It felt like a continuation of MICA except I migrated to New York (and Florida) for a jelly string of weeks. Things happened, people came and went, I ate food, and I woke up in the morning knowing it'd be lost forever in time. Actually, this past month, I struggled the most with the truth of vanity. I struggled with the idea that everything I do can be pointless. But I also picked up a lesson I never learned even though I often heard people say it: Fear the Lord. It is better to fear God than go about my own ways and end up not doing anything really permanently productive in life. Only God's plan bears fruit and I can trust that my life will not be lived in vain if I fear God by obeying him and respecting His commands.
Being stuck in this struggle made me turn to the only thing that could pull me back out of the rut. I can now say that reading the entire Bible is not an impossible task for me, neither is it something I would dread doing (thanks to Ellice, too). I read Ecclesiastes for the issue about vanity. And Song of Solomon followed, so I read that - it is by far the most romantic piece I've read (I love poetry, especially when it's written to me xp). I'm half through Revelations, and I can actually wrap my head around it. I have such a visual memory it's easy to imagine what is being described in the passage. Hopefully, I can work my way through all of the books, in no particular order, just skipping around.
Now that sophomore year is upon me, I don't know what will happen, but I certainly know what I want out of it. I am a little more prepared this time around as well. Certainly I won't satisfy all my cravings for Chinese food, but at least I'll have some noodles in stock.
Go Kingston and Mike Leung for coming to Baltimore! Without you guys, I would be less excited, haha. Dorming this year should also be better because I'm living in the Gateway! and everything should be fairly new. I'm also going to be taking classes in my major for the first time. I'll be taking Graphic Design I, Typography I, Video I, Digital Photography, Modernism and After, and Creativity and Genius - 6 classes with the potential of dropping Digital Photography if I can't manage (hopefully I can). There's a lot of room for error, so keep me in your prayers. In fact, a lot of things are up in the air, so I hope I address them well. I'll miss New York so much, and I'll miss all my fellow OCMers. Have a great year guys! <3
This summer has been a complete haze for the reason that I often focus on my growth as a person. When I'm reflecting on my growth, I get displaced from my immediate surroundings and I miss out on the physical activities that are happening at the moment. That's why when I recount the past, I can only trace emotional or spiritual memories, or more so the circumstances in which affected these aspects. By focusing on what I felt during the time or how I connected with people, I rarely record the facts of time or physical events. I know people who can recount events like so-and-so went here, and had this kind of a fruity drink, and lost his pajamas in the sand at the beach next to the guy who looked salmon-red under a rainbow umbrella, but I'm wired differently.
This summer had no beginning. It felt like a continuation of MICA except I migrated to New York (and Florida) for a jelly string of weeks. Things happened, people came and went, I ate food, and I woke up in the morning knowing it'd be lost forever in time. Actually, this past month, I struggled the most with the truth of vanity. I struggled with the idea that everything I do can be pointless. But I also picked up a lesson I never learned even though I often heard people say it: Fear the Lord. It is better to fear God than go about my own ways and end up not doing anything really permanently productive in life. Only God's plan bears fruit and I can trust that my life will not be lived in vain if I fear God by obeying him and respecting His commands.
Being stuck in this struggle made me turn to the only thing that could pull me back out of the rut. I can now say that reading the entire Bible is not an impossible task for me, neither is it something I would dread doing (thanks to Ellice, too). I read Ecclesiastes for the issue about vanity. And Song of Solomon followed, so I read that - it is by far the most romantic piece I've read (I love poetry, especially when it's written to me xp). I'm half through Revelations, and I can actually wrap my head around it. I have such a visual memory it's easy to imagine what is being described in the passage. Hopefully, I can work my way through all of the books, in no particular order, just skipping around.
Now that sophomore year is upon me, I don't know what will happen, but I certainly know what I want out of it. I am a little more prepared this time around as well. Certainly I won't satisfy all my cravings for Chinese food, but at least I'll have some noodles in stock.
Go Kingston and Mike Leung for coming to Baltimore! Without you guys, I would be less excited, haha. Dorming this year should also be better because I'm living in the Gateway! and everything should be fairly new. I'm also going to be taking classes in my major for the first time. I'll be taking Graphic Design I, Typography I, Video I, Digital Photography, Modernism and After, and Creativity and Genius - 6 classes with the potential of dropping Digital Photography if I can't manage (hopefully I can). There's a lot of room for error, so keep me in your prayers. In fact, a lot of things are up in the air, so I hope I address them well. I'll miss New York so much, and I'll miss all my fellow OCMers. Have a great year guys! <3
Monday, August 9, 2010
All About a Horse
By: Sarah Cheung
8 years old
written August 9, 2010
Permit* granted by Stephanie Har, her cousin
*Every time Sarah sees "Permit," she thinks about "Peppermint."
The hair part of a horse is called a mane.
The belly part of a horse is called a flank.
The ankle part of a horse is called a pastern.
The foot part of a horse is called a hoof.
Under the hoof is called a soul.
The knee of a horse is called a hock.
A Thoughbred is pure and strong. Some horse babies are different in color than their mother.
Example: brown mom with white baby.
Baby horses are called a calf.
A calf can run right after they are born.
And that's all about horses!!!
bla
bla
bla
babies!
Plants
By Benjamin
5 years old
written August 9, 2010
Permit granted by Stephanie Har, his cousin
The first thing you need is seeds. Then you put the water in the soil. After you put some soil, you will have to wait for a week or more. You will need sunlight.
Set of Rules for Life
by Janice Cheung
10 Years Old
written August 9, 2010
Permit granted by Stephanie Har, her cousin
The first thing you need to know is that rules are very important. They lead you to a very joyful life. These set of rules are useful for families.
One rule is that you should never play with matches. They can start a fire that spreads across fields or buildings. Fire will burn your skin and really harm you.
Another rule is that you should never play on staircases. You can roll down the stairs without knowing. You will get a series of injury that can lead you to hospitals.
Do not play with swords or knives. They might cut your skin so roughly. You will have to suffer with a scar.
You should never be lazy, too, about work because you will need the knowledge for life. When you have a job, you need to know school work. That is why we go to school. If you do not succeed you will not earn money for food, shelter, and furniture.
If you are young like from 1-12, you should never try to cook because of hot steamy smoke and knives to cut meat and vegetables.
You should always remember the set of rules for life.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Satan
So many people know about god. And so many people blame him for all the suffering on earth, for not intervening more. But so little people talk about Satan. Because god is god, the one who knows and "controls" all things, he must be responsible for all the tragedies and disasters that happen on earth, because he is god. But so little people talk about Satan. How he is in fact the ruler of Earth. How he tempts us all into despair for the good of nothing. And yet we blame God because He is god, and we can't see that if we really knew God, we'd know that God is first and foremost the embodiment of love. He gave Adam and Eve free will so that they would worship Him freely, and not like robots under a command. God gave us free will so we could do the same. But because we were deceived by Satan to allow sin into the world, we condemned ourselves to death, and God had to pay the price by sending Jesus, a pure and blameless lamb, to sacrifice his life for our chance of redemption. His love is at the center of all this. And the earth was condemned to face an end, to deteriorate, and yet we blame God for causing tsunamis and earthquakes, when sin, which was brought to earth by Satan, is the cause for man's death as well as the destruction of physical earth. Still, we don't know that God's love for the human race is so deep that He is actually holding Earth together and is patient to wait for our acceptance of Him, what He actually made into an opportunity for eternal life. This is our hope. He gave us hope when Satan destroyed our relationship with Him from the very beginning. Satan, the one who we never talk about enough to know that He is the source of our pain, our suffering, the things in life that are not pleasurable, the things in life we often blame God for letting us put up with. Satan.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
How I Feel
I'm holding my breath. But for what?
Maybe I'm not breathing at all.
I am told to dwell on the things that are lovely, the things are that are admirable, but I can't because I'm sad. (Uh-huh)
He says this video is not for the faint-hearted, but the reality is that his heart is full of hatred, and he can't even tell the difference.
He told me to shape together, "perk up, Steph!," but I am not willing to lie to myself because I've learned how important it is to stay true to what's going on inside. If I ignore it, it'll still resurface, and the time in-between would just feel like a complete waste.
Ever heard of the phrase, "If only I knew back then what I know now..?"
You see, I have this urgency to feel effective and transformative. My problem is that I am completely flawed.
(hah!)
1. I am stubborn
2. I will go to such length to repel criticism (and I know psychoanalytically, why), and when I am criticized, I can't help but take it to heart.
3. I am so critical towards others (hoho, you'll see through the tone of my voice later on)
What does that make me? A near helpless being who will struggle in every way her whole, entire, [ugh], life.
By far, I know that I've come a long way in transforming my attitude, and I'm actually proud of myself for following through in my self-realization with God's help of revelation. But by no means will it be enough to stop and settle for something that's not completely pleasing and glorifying to God.
(mhm)
I ... have desires, but it sucks if you're like me, and sometimes you're just "jungwuo," wenzhou for "sick" or "tired," of EVERYTHING that has to do with Christianity - the waiting, the drill of suffering and coming 
alive, the wash of tutti fruity in people's eyes, the ignorance, AND the passive-polar-aggressiveness in other's eyes. It seriously sucks. Because when you're made to be in community, it's hard to escape it.
alive, the wash of tutti fruity in people's eyes, the ignorance, AND the passive-polar-aggressiveness in other's eyes. It seriously sucks. Because when you're made to be in community, it's hard to escape it.I just said in my head, I need time, but fear struck and I asked myself, But how long??
Seriously, Seriously? It can't be years. IT CAN'T BE. Because college is supposed to be the funnest years in your life right? Heh heh, it doesn't look that way
[...]
There was one time in my life when I could tell I slipped into depression. I think it was my junior year (when I found out the poem I wrote while feeling completely miserable got published as one of the top ten in the new york state area for high schoolers. You should remember it - "Flashbacks of God.") Yes, God was the silver lining through it all, when everything in life caved in and seemed miserable, totally irreversible, helpless, and inescapable.
Point is, the kind of depression I'm going through now is not the same as three years ago. I don't think everything in life is miserable. I enjoy things and delight in little pleasures, like the scrunchies sitting on my table as I speak. The problem is life on earth is fleeting, and is it wrong to not look forward to everything I see negative in the future..? The fights I'll have with my husband, that is if I'm willing to even accept one. Then again, everything good in life does come with a price, answer is, I am toooooooooootally NOT ready to pay it.
Freaking guys as well. Can I vent about them? Why do I always imagine guys in the future as babys... no replies accepted. Have woman become too controlling?? Too dominating?? I mean seriously? What's wrong with this picture..
[is this just me?]
When I refocus on God, I keep coming back to the same excuse - there's just not enough support here in my walk. Which reminds me of another problem I have:
I don't know how to ask for help. [riggleslivybubbermibby!!@#]
Maybe because the right people who I feel I can trust simply aren't around. [riggleslivybubbermibby!!@#] I've had someone reach out to me, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to trust him with my heart! And although I've actually stopped my used-to-be incessant cries to God for a true quality friend and settled for the fact that I am a total introvert, the irony is that I still want someone physical to hear me out and not judge me right away for it. I just want a friend who will listen and really care.
You know why people hold back? It's because people too often treat each other as objects. People use people. People use them and throw them back out like rags. [you notice it too]
I've noticed that in my life, I can highlight only a select few on my journey that I've really connected heart-to-heart with and those people I will treasure forever. But I'm still vying for people to look me heart-to-heart. It's the only way I'll remember them and keep in touch, otherwise I'm just an explorer exploring her surroundings and moving on - nothing changed, except a reinforced worldview (you want it so badly to change, you've tried thinking about better and more lovely thoughts but it slips away from you like soap in your hands).
I still feel the same.
Completely unmoved, but hoping for movement.
Yet still quite delighted in the small things, like scrunchies, earphones, nikonD3000s, the grand piano, and flowers.
[and lemonade stands]
Still cynical of the future and the people in it. [yea]
Still flawed, totally condemning, somewhat bitter, somewhat hopeful [voice goes up]
And through it all, I still feel the same.
can you help me?
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Viet Spring Rolls
[image taken from google.com/images] Mm Mm good.
Yesterday night I went to Chinatown to have dinner. We had to travel down south in the first place to water ah-yi's garden and to pick the beans and tomatoes from his garden.
I had a craving for this (above). And it tasted soo good :]
Monday, July 5, 2010
Heat
Today, I woke up, practiced parallel parking, did some house chores, watered the grass in our front yard, and looked up my sophomore graphic design teacher, ellen lupton.
I am honestly excited about sophomore year. It's going to be great despite the work load because I'm finally going to be learning more about what I'm actually going to do for the rest of my career, which is graphic design.
Summer's more than halfway gone and the year 2010 is more than halfway gone! Time really flies, but God will always remain. I know this for sure because I just came out of a very unsure phase in my faith only for God to greet me with grace and love again. Here's more of the story.
It began earlier this Spring. I was sitting at the MVP bus station in Baltimore ready to go back home to New York for Spring break when I decided to take back from God the control He had over my life. I had made an idol out of friendship and I was angry at God for holding out on me. I blamed Him for the pain He allowed in my life as a result of being set apart and being brokenhearted in Him.
I felt casted out from some of my classmates at MICA because my ways were not their ways, neither were their ways my ways. I felt alienated. My closest friendships didn't go deep enough.
At the same time, I held a sense of helplessness. In holding on tightly to my beliefs, I sensed a similar pull at the other end of the string, a defiance against Christianity. Imagine someone else trying to penetrate your own beliefs. For some in MICA, Christianity is as much as defied by them as we, Christians, may defy such a religion as Buddhism. The only difference is that our God is the only one and true, living God. Fed into the discouragement was seeing the world through the eyes of God: millions of people unreached, and aching for them as a result, being utterly brokenhearted with God.
Of course, I was sad. But this made me even more desperate for a community I could both relate and trust. Nevertheless, time passed before bitterness against God sank deep within my heart. I unconsciously began putting my guard up, being suspicious of people I didn't think held the same view or values as I did. Ultimately, it came down to me judging others too harshly and too quickly. I suffered the consequence of being further alienated from my church mates and rejecting the opportunities offered in the church to serve because I began to question my own faith and ended up sitting on the fence about it.
The decision to push God out of the pilot seat came out of anger. In my mind, I asked God two essential questions, "If you are in control of everything, why won't you give me friends who can support me?" "Why did you sadden my heart for your people even though you know I can't reach all of them on my own?" With these questions, I developed an attitude of speculation and inquiry which easily shook my faith and foundation in God.
As weeks passed after I took control of the wheel, out of spiritual hunger and thirst, I continually sought head knowledge, worldly wisdom. I listened more closely to preachers, was more attentive and critical of their message if something they claimed did not seem absolute in my mind. Out of it, however, I also began making the Bible more of a personal item; where a preacher makes a reference instigates me to reaffirm his words by flipping through my own Bible and reading those words for myself. It came out of a kind of skepticism, this method of checking, but it greatly personalized the Bible for me and allowed God to speak truth into me while reading it.
Although my faith was drifting, something inside of me whispered keep going, keep searching. More weeks passed, and I was deathly aware of how far I had roamed from God. For the first time in my walk, I felt as though I had a mind of my own. I could follow through on my questions and not feel trapped in the act of spirituality or blindness. Eventually, my parents picked up on my different behavior. They noticed that I was asking questions and uncertain about a lot of things. Although I can probably come up with more questions, thankfully my dad answered a good majority of them enough to ease me back to God. It was through this interaction that God guided me back to Him.
Amazingly, even though the method was merely a matter of convincing me through the affirmation of each question I asked, the cross that Jesus had to carry to calvary was once again the central point, the illumination of it all. Some people blame God for allowing sin to enter the world, when really all God wanted was to allow humans to be non-robots by giving them a free will. God's love was the origin and He continues to exemplify that through grace, faithfulness, and everything else that reaffirms that He is Good.
I forgot this aspect of God's nature. He is Good. I blamed Him for being bad, for neglecting my needs and desires, but God continues to impress me with his masterful plan in giving me more wisdom and understanding. Now I know that I'm coming up from this obstacle stronger, more convicted, and more praising of God.
I was a rebel, and though I may continue to wrestle with God in the future, I know that no one, not even Satan, can snatch me away from Him. No one can snatch the children of God out of His hands. We are His forever.
I hope that sharing this story has encouraged you in your walk with God, that even though we may rebel against God out of anger or bitterness, He will not only wait for you to return to Him, but also guide you in understanding more about His character - His true and good character.
I am blessed in all areas of my life, and that is why I want to give back. After all this, God has strengthened my faith and will continue to strengthen it. Because of this, I feel like He has prepared me to go on my first missions trip. Whether it be next summer or after I graduate college, I will always be working full-time for Him. I definitely feel like God put me so purposefully in MICA so that I can be a witness on campus and do powerful and fruitful things in other's lives. For this, I am also grateful.
In the coming years I will make an effort to read more of the Bible and build up love through it. May you also be built up in love, and remember that God is always Good.
Friday, July 2, 2010
A Love Story
Chapter 1
God was always watching over her. Ever since she was born, God had his eyes on her. Through the days, He displayed to her his majesty, but she only knew of him and did not have a relationship with him. Her parents knew God very well, and visiting his home every often, she began to hear stories about him, about his great love and kindness. Over the years, she continued visiting his home. People gathered from all over to sing to him and praise him for all the good works He had done and as she would sit in the pews to sing along, God would secretly come up to her to give her a present... joy. A smile would always grow on her face because of it, and every week she visited his home, she would sing louder and louder in the pews as her love for God grew. More years passed, and as she went on with life, going to school and coming home to her family, she would talk to God from time to time, over the phone, or read his letters to her. Sometimes when God seemed far and she felt like she was alone in the world, God would secretly tell other people to surround her with love. There were times, however, when she was left all alone in her own world to face some serious problems in her life and God was not always the first person she would go to for help. But because she was afraid to ask for help from anyone else, she suffered alone for some time, even though God was always standing at the the door calling her, waiting for her to stand up and walk to him so they could go on the journey together. She found the strength to stand up in God's love for her, and as she walked towards God to go on the journey, she decided to let everyone know that they were going to be together from now on.
Chapter 2
After letting everyone know, she was immediately filled with peace and determination. On their journey together, she would walk close to God, holding his hands sometimes, other times completely leaning on him. God had a flashlight at night, and through even the darkest nights, his flashlight would never burn out; at night, she would hold on tight to his hand, never let go, and pull through till morning. On other days, she was very tired and needed to sit down and rest. But one day, she grew really tired and weary and finally asked God, "Where does this journey lead us? Why are we going on this journey in the first place?" God sat next to her. He could see she was worn out by all the walking and all the greeting of people along the sidestreets. But before God could tell her anything she fell asleep. The next morning, she woke up and decided to tell God that even though she was walking on this journey with him, she would still need to go to college. God said, "I'll go with you. I will always be there for you," and her heart was greatly comforted by his words.
Chapter 3
At college, she would always talk to God, think about God when he was away at work, and spend time with him alone in in her room. She met new people who also heard about God, although some did not believe he existed, some did not think that his works were good, but also some who knew God as he was. She finally learned how important it was for people to know God, that his story and works were good and that knowing the true him, as she knew him, was a matter of life and death. After days of meeting and greeting people, and telling some about God, she grew discouraged that her words alone could not convince them about God. She knew how she felt in God's presence, that she could call Him any time in times of trouble or lonliness, and she wanted to share that with the rest of her school. At times, she would even tell God to show himself to them and save them all from death. And she thought that God would only show himself to her, when really, only she who knew God well had the eyes to see him. After learning from God himself to grow a heart and to love people, the things she learned from her journey with God, she grew mad at God for only being with her. She had such a big heart; she knew there were countless people who still needed to know about God and she wanted to reach all of them, and yet here God was hiding behind her back as she faced the hostility of the people, around whom she had told God about, all by herself. She didn't want to keep God to herself anymore. The problem was that God was hiding and she didn't know why! Time passed before she grew bitter at God. He had introduced himself to her, spent time with her, showed his love for the people, encouraged her to expand her own heart, and when she did expand her heart, the task before her seemed impossible, because God didn't show himself easily to the world, and her heart reached to the ends of it. It left a burden on her heart, like a piece of coal nestled inside an organ irritating every task at hand. She grew bitter because the coal seemed irremovable.
God was always watching over her. Ever since she was born, God had his eyes on her. Through the days, He displayed to her his majesty, but she only knew of him and did not have a relationship with him. Her parents knew God very well, and visiting his home every often, she began to hear stories about him, about his great love and kindness. Over the years, she continued visiting his home. People gathered from all over to sing to him and praise him for all the good works He had done and as she would sit in the pews to sing along, God would secretly come up to her to give her a present... joy. A smile would always grow on her face because of it, and every week she visited his home, she would sing louder and louder in the pews as her love for God grew. More years passed, and as she went on with life, going to school and coming home to her family, she would talk to God from time to time, over the phone, or read his letters to her. Sometimes when God seemed far and she felt like she was alone in the world, God would secretly tell other people to surround her with love. There were times, however, when she was left all alone in her own world to face some serious problems in her life and God was not always the first person she would go to for help. But because she was afraid to ask for help from anyone else, she suffered alone for some time, even though God was always standing at the the door calling her, waiting for her to stand up and walk to him so they could go on the journey together. She found the strength to stand up in God's love for her, and as she walked towards God to go on the journey, she decided to let everyone know that they were going to be together from now on.
Chapter 2
After letting everyone know, she was immediately filled with peace and determination. On their journey together, she would walk close to God, holding his hands sometimes, other times completely leaning on him. God had a flashlight at night, and through even the darkest nights, his flashlight would never burn out; at night, she would hold on tight to his hand, never let go, and pull through till morning. On other days, she was very tired and needed to sit down and rest. But one day, she grew really tired and weary and finally asked God, "Where does this journey lead us? Why are we going on this journey in the first place?" God sat next to her. He could see she was worn out by all the walking and all the greeting of people along the sidestreets. But before God could tell her anything she fell asleep. The next morning, she woke up and decided to tell God that even though she was walking on this journey with him, she would still need to go to college. God said, "I'll go with you. I will always be there for you," and her heart was greatly comforted by his words.
Chapter 3
At college, she would always talk to God, think about God when he was away at work, and spend time with him alone in in her room. She met new people who also heard about God, although some did not believe he existed, some did not think that his works were good, but also some who knew God as he was. She finally learned how important it was for people to know God, that his story and works were good and that knowing the true him, as she knew him, was a matter of life and death. After days of meeting and greeting people, and telling some about God, she grew discouraged that her words alone could not convince them about God. She knew how she felt in God's presence, that she could call Him any time in times of trouble or lonliness, and she wanted to share that with the rest of her school. At times, she would even tell God to show himself to them and save them all from death. And she thought that God would only show himself to her, when really, only she who knew God well had the eyes to see him. After learning from God himself to grow a heart and to love people, the things she learned from her journey with God, she grew mad at God for only being with her. She had such a big heart; she knew there were countless people who still needed to know about God and she wanted to reach all of them, and yet here God was hiding behind her back as she faced the hostility of the people, around whom she had told God about, all by herself. She didn't want to keep God to herself anymore. The problem was that God was hiding and she didn't know why! Time passed before she grew bitter at God. He had introduced himself to her, spent time with her, showed his love for the people, encouraged her to expand her own heart, and when she did expand her heart, the task before her seemed impossible, because God didn't show himself easily to the world, and her heart reached to the ends of it. It left a burden on her heart, like a piece of coal nestled inside an organ irritating every task at hand. She grew bitter because the coal seemed irremovable.
Chapter 4
She took a break from God, even though there were times when she needed to call him. God answered, but his voice seemed a bit softer. Sometimes, it was even hard to hear his voice in a noisy crowd. Could she recognize his voice anymore? "Hello? Hello??" She began falling for other guys, and even though she was taking a break from God, he still became jealous. She sensed this in God's voice when he called her one night to tell her that he still loved her. She felt like a betrayer inside, because she also knew she could always go back to God whenever she wanted to. "I love you too, God, but I just can't deal with this right now." She said it to him that night and the days passed, but God's impact in her life and her love for people was too overwhelming to dismiss so she went on meekly but intentfully. Each day, she kept her eyes open and God would sneak hidden presents he knew she would come across during her day, from season to season. Fall and Winter passed and Spring arrived. She had cut her hair at home and come back to school. When she would do her hair in the morning, she always wished she had a small clip to hold her hair back. During those spring nights, she would continue to reflect and meditate on her decisions that day and concentrate on what she had to get done for school in the coming days. She was busy, but during her breaks she would pick up her guitar and sing to God even though he seemed far from her. Some weeks passed and she began to feel empty inside without God by her side. She wanted to fill it and looked towards other people to fill it.
Chapter 5
It was a Sunday morning and she reluctantly woke up to go to another one of God's estate in Baltimore because she knew deep down inside the only person who could fill her emptiness, so she headed out to greet the people who knew God as well. One of those nights in college, she felt an amazing love come over her. That morning on her way to God's estate, she was walking alone in her own thoughts. She crossed the streets, waited for cars to pass, appreciated the beautiful day, and looked at the ground as she walked. Step by step, she walked on the sandy pavement, until she walked over something dark, something very small. She only recieved a quick glance at it and had taken a few steps forward when curiosity struck her to look back at the specimen. Bending forward, she reached out her hand to pick up a leapoard-colored small hair clip. At it, her heart jumped and a small feeling of intimidation at the center of her heart radiated out into a sly smile, even though her heart began beaming. She quickly turned around, the clip preciously twiddling around in her fingers, and started to walk again with an untraceable bounce at her heals.
Chapter 6
She came home from college a different person, ever so slightly, but noticeable. Her parents had decided to go to another one of God's estate in New Jersey, because her dad had grown passionate about God's mission in the world and wanted to help him serve his purpose. Now at the estate in New Jersey, she found herself idle in the midst of a moved crowd singing to God. She wanted to blend right back in, but she couldn't. She wanted to be real and every time they would sing songs to God, she would feel unmotivated, unmoved, undevoted, deeply divided. With her heart in one direction and her mind in another direction, she couldn't whisper a word. God had left written letters to her, and for now, she would keep those.
Epilogue
Her small leapard-colored hair clip was lost. The last time she remembered it was placing it in the cup of the side door of the car. Even though she lost the gift, she decided to search God out. She wanted her questions to be answered. The silent is now deafening to her so she fills it with music. And when music tires her ears, she sits in silence, reading through books, any book that may help her answer some of her questions. Rarely does she call God by phone anymore, but somehow, she still feels connected to his heart. She cut her hair again. Secretly, she knows a new beginning has begun and that the purpose of her earlier journey was always about preparing herself on the right track. Has she gotten back up?
Written by Stephanie Har
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Last Minutes
Bahh, I can't sleep so I'm going to blog.
I'm going to work tomorrow and I ain't! looking forward to it! t~t
Yes, my dad told me to build up endurance, and I shall. At least I'll think I'm being productive (hopefully I am!)
And c'mon! I'm waiting for the backyard to be done so I can throw a partay! woohoo! haha. Seriously.
I cut my hair! hay! I'm feelin' good about it. It finally makes me confident about who I look on the outside! WHAT a relief. I seriously had no mind behind it all. All it was was guts and a desire to have bangs. I would never have cut my hair on my own back then, but now that I've realized that I truly am my own, I can do what I want! woohoo! whadayaknow :)
Also, I was reading this book called "The Greatest Thing in the World" by Henry Drummond (I happened to just stumble upon it on our family bookshelf), and it was a really really nice refresher about how above all else, love is the most important quality to have. Without love, I am nothing; without love, everything I do is nothing. It just cleared my mind so nicely, considering there are thousands upon thousands of self-help books out there, and a handful of them that I've read so far have easily complicated things or made things worse. But this book by Drummond isn't even all that long. It just goes over 1 Corinthians 13 about how love is the greatest thing we can offer humankind - above faith, above hope, love is the greatest. Knowing this, having love, really simplifies things.
I've also been thinking quite a lot about sleep itself, how wonderful and blissful it can be, but also how so many growing adults have lost this precious gift with age. I feel so bad for people who can not recapture the sleep of their childhood. And it makes me want to savor every relaxed muscle in my body when I go to sleep! I wish people would make sleeping a priority again, maybe that will help out their lives more.
Hey, do you drink 3 water bottles a day? Well, it is recommended, and usually I don't, but at Carolyn Ray Inc. I've been doing just that. Standing all the time, doing inventory work, mixing dyes, helping out the artist, it's definitely a tiring job, but it makes me focus so much more on my own physical body! actually tuning in on what it has to say, which is such a healthy habit I'm developing.
Music. Ohhhh how I've been so immersed in music this week alone. The radio, google videos, classical music, picking up my viola and my sister's violin, rehashing my old piano pieces.. I love it, I absolutely love it. This is what my body needs, what, actually, more specifically my soul needs, is to express itself! It's freeing, it's enlightening, it's creative, it's interpretive, it's instigating, it's empowering, it's energizing, it's fun, it's relaxing, it's soothing, it's wonderful!
I wanted to insert this here as well, that I do have another secret blog, more so the blog that's more cut dry (or overflowing), that does express more of my deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings, but it's just so you are aware that my life is not perfect, that I do have a lot of downs that are well casted out to no one, but at least casted out. Ahh, I actually own 3 blogs including this one, I guess to say that I've always wanted to start fresh again, but it turns out that I can't credit my life to one blog as these three blogs actually hold dear parts of me written in flesh and blood.
Great, now I'm getting deeper in thought, choose to continue reading or not.
I'm thinking about how often I think about how short life is. Death, to me, is very close. It scares the freak out of me to know how insignificant I am, and how I'm deathly afraid of living in vain all the time. I don't like thinking about it, I try not to, but I can't help but ask myself where I'm going in life, all the time. I say now is a time of self-discovery, but then what. After I find someone to live with for the rest of my life, I don't want to be picking up his dirty laundry or cooking for him my whole life? That's ridiculous. What an already biased view of my husband. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not really looking forward to life, at least life as most people know it, having a family and raising up kids and then preparing them for the world, once you yourself have just gotten there. It's so unfair! when I think about it. Maybe because I'm still looking for fun times and singleness and the freedom of just doing whatever I want to do in life because it's mine (and God's). I'm just looking for a way out, you know. A way out of the typical system, the cliche of society. I want to know if I really have it in me to even pursue, let's say, a career that I'm actually passionate about too, one that doesn't have the notion of a secure job at the end of college, even though I can recognize it as an illusion as well. It's really the battle between the heart and mind. I'm struggling to figure out which path is the right one, which inclination to listen to, after all, I'm not fully committed to graphic design, I'm only doing it because my aunt told me years ago, more like warned me, not to go into fine arts, which is something I do enjoy, if not more than graphic/computer arts. When I was young, I always told my mom that I never wanted to work in front of a computer, or worse, sit in a cubicle all day. I wanted to go out and travel, be passionate about life, garden, do outside work, be doing what I loved to do. But now, since I've been taking life step by step, I'm finding myself torn between my dream, my mean for happiness, and what I feel will earn me secure money. I mean, when I say out loud, it sounds obvious that I'm on the wrong track, but how is it that I'm already 90% convinced that I won't, willl not, change majors, or classes, or anything?? How am I so afraid, so scared of taking a risk? I will never know, because I will never change. Oh, I pray to God, that He would change my mind because for all I know, my heart's not there. Maybe I just need some support on my decision.
That's the rundown of where my career's going. I'm so nervous about it, and it's such a sore to think about my upcoming teacher and class, who my friend says, is a beater. I'm supposed to know all the adobe programs before I even arrive to her class, supposedly. I mean, my parents are paying for college not so that I have to do all the work during the summer, but so that my professors can actually TEACH something and I learn. Now, I kinda wish I took a summer class on the adobe programs. I need to soak up on online tutorials or something because if I don't, I'm going to regret it by the time summer ends.
[Sigh] I know I'm going on, but I also do pray that your life is abundant and joyous. Even though there are times when life doesn't even want to make you go on any longer, I know we can pull through. I've said it before, that I seriously do get sick of the seasons sometimes and that I hate the fact that they're seasons because they're cyclic, but life is like a garden, you'll find a daisy here and an african violet there. At times like these, life is just too beautiful to miss out on.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
About Life
On God:
He should be my first love; everything else in life pales in comparison and cannot satisfy.
On Integrity:
Compromise is not an option; when I know i have, i know i'm not looking towards God.
On Choice:
I can choose the kind of music I listen to on the radio and by ridding myself of inappropriate thoughts, I can renew it with something pure and good.
On Guys:
I shouldn't be emotionally dependent on any guy because only God can fill the void in all our hearts.
On Presence:
It is a gift to others to be living in the present instead of dwelling in the past, the future, or our fantasies.
On Worry:
Did you know God named Cyrus 160 years before he was even born? We are secure and meant to be (not as sinners but as followers of Christ living out his commandments every day).
On Priorities:
God's greatest commandment is to love Him with all our heart, soul, strength, and mind. "Seek Ye first and all these things will be added unto you."
On Perspective:
God is sovereign. Everything that seems like a big deal to us, especially our career, is small to God and nothing He can't handle.
On Idols:
Isaiah talks about a parable of the craftsman cutting up a piece of wood, making a part an idol, the rest for fire to cook over and keep warm. The humor is found in the wood. Everything on earth is wood, and will deteriorate. Are there any idols in your life?
On Judgment:
Judge and be judged. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Instead, love your neighbor as yourself. Leave your thoughts at the door.
On Forgetfulness:
To make God my first love is to always think about Him.
On Relationships:
To be natural in my movements is to enjoy life more. To build on relationships is to act upon them.
On Sin:
Satan is the ruler of earth, but as a Christian, God is the ruler of my life and I am to be found pure and blameless before Him.
On Strength:
To have strength is to know suffering.
On Wisdom:
To gain wisdom is to be silent and observe. To have godly wisdom is to lay broken in the arms of God.
On Power:
To recognize we have free-will, but to practice obedience. Do you have convictions?
On Bitterness:
It is an infestation, and a poison. It will always resurface no matter how many times I bury it or am too lazy to face it. Anger feeds it. Just have faith (not belief, but faith).
On Motives:
To dress nicely is to be elegant. To dress seductively is to not know God.
On Maturity:
To be mature is to acknowledge your independence, but remember your responsibilities.
On Disappointment:
Be discerning when to choose to do things for others or to do things for yourself.
On Riches:
Blinded by it and blessed by it.
***DISCLAIMER: Language is ambiguous.
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