Hey guys :)

I'm down to four finals. Wish me luck. I know where I'm dorming next year and I registered for my next semester's classes. The weather fluctuates often - I don't know how I feel about that. Besides, it's BBQ season!! fishballs on skewers coated with honey and grilled chicken wings and tender smokin' beef :P mmmmm...

I am so excited.

For this summer, I'm hopin' to get a job at MSLO once I go through the whole app process.

On the other hand, I'm goin' ta Floridaa XD yeaaaaa.. gonna enjoy some nice family time in the sun!

It's been difficult getting back on my feet and all, but I'm still pressing on. I hope all of you are doing well and I get a chance to talk to you after school's over bout' what's been going on in your life! Well, that'll bout' sum it up for now... SEE YOU IN ONE WEEK!!!

Love,

STE

A Taste of 4 Weeks Left

I am confronted with the reality that we have all gone our own separate ways. The farther we go in life, the narrower our paths become and my hope in our lives colliding again grows dim. I used to have the mindset that my allegiance lied in one place along with the people inside of it, that when I was apart from that place, everything I did would only be a matter of report back to those people. I grew accustomed to adapting, paradoxicaly, but I never desired the habit of adopting. Inside, I felt continental shifts happening, and to a degree, that was reflected in my self-image, which at times defined my quirkiness. Nevertheless, I've always possessed that nudge to fight and combat those that my sixth sense told me were wrong or hindering, even if it meant combatting myself. After all these years, the place I report back to no longer exists. I report back to myself. It's settled in my mind that you can't take your faith too seriously. Personal commitments go a long way, and it's unsettling to know that maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere the moment I realized there was a 6 year gap in my life, from the moment I offered up my life as a living sacrifice to the point where I could not stand it any longer. And the aftermath was confusion, like waking up in a completely different time period yet picking up where I left off as a 14-year-old, my soul ripe for the picking but a young and fun girl that had been long buried. Maybe I did take Christianity too seriously, when I heard in worship songs and preachers say that we had to die to ourselves in order for God to reign in us. I think I killed all of me at the time, completely stripping myself of everything, even my personality which I was poisoned to think was evil as well - I killed my freedom to be goofy, severed a sincere connection between my thoughts and tongue, ditched all nonsense to be proper, and the little things I've already lost to myself. In par was also being so conditioned by the Chinese culture. When I thought I was something, I became nothing, and something came from the outside to appropriate meaning onto me again. But that is not the part I'm bitter about. I am deeply scarred by my loneliness for the years I sacrificed my energy for God in place of making true friends. Not only did I kill being natural (in general), I thought it was all part of God's plan, that He secluded me from the rest to show me that my only best friend was in Him. It fueled me like hiccups in my life, but I still felt the jarring pain of having no one (physical) by my side. The conforming thought of having brothers and sisters at church was not enough, even though that picture sometimes paled in the starkness of having a leadership role. I understand, now, why counselors are available, that they're not only there for the psyche. And when my mom said, when we heard on the radio, that she couldn't understand why someone would take their own life, that people these days were crazy, my heart clenched because I understood why someone would, even why they shouldn't. In that moment in time, I felt like my body could easily slide between both ends of the spectrum - I could make a rush of hormones and feel on top of the world if I wanted to, but I think I'd always recline to some lesser degree in light of... well, a bunch of things. Ironically, my time with my parents turned into some sort of bliss, when the rest of my life was either in shackles or chaos. Something like a bo-lo-bao can relinquish all that, or zoning out in front of my fish tank, but pressing thoughts always come to shove, whether I like it or not. Nowadays, I spend my time making up for all the (not wasted) time I had with God in order to come to terms with my earthly life. An inkling inside of me said once that I was straying from God, but then I was glad to have identified it as my ticker in life, what would keep me not even at a balancing point, but at the entrance to a point in life where I can genuinely fuse the two (at least I'm learning to). Where that leaves me now is somewhere I hope is not too serious (even though I did just slip into that mode for a while, which I guess is okay for "a while"). I know that God's leaving me signs everywhere so that I could remember Him. He still is my lover, but you see, that's where I fall short of truly recognizing the fine line in which I should be living by.

You can now say you're confused as well. If not, talk to me! Give me a call, gchat me, ichat me, email me? text me?

The Pearl

Time is not my enemy,

In fact, time is my beauty,

Every sunrise beckons me to unravel yet another layer of myself,

To emerge from under the sut of my deadly mind,

I once heard that our body has a tale to tell,

But every time I gleam in joy, my blemishes fade away,

And time is my healer, my restorer,

With hope that extends to every part of my body,

I am awakened to another glorious day that has its plans for me,

For the sun to uplift my soul, for the shadows to cool me into refreshment,

And for this sweet melody of our very own creation to enchant me,

I am away, blown into the presence of pure beauty and bliss,

Let my spirit always breathe in this way,

Vibrating in harmony with the air,

Under a tree feeling the soft grass bed,

My fears bland in comparison, my anger, bitterness disintegrating until all that is left is a wash of pearly white,

Enveloped in serenity,

I wake and wake and wake and still find myself in nothing but joy,

Peace,

Let this be a place I go to when sometimes darkness casts itself upon me,

May I possess that pearl and never let go.

I love you Dad, I love you Mom, I love you goo, I love you tsa, for all the times we shared together. For the immense joy you guys brought into my life - for the Joy that you Are. Thank you for movie nights with popcorn or beef jerky. Thank you tsa for allowing us to Pledge our counters until we could slide on them. Thank you goo for being my role model, for always keeping your integrity. Thank you disciplining me, for fighting with me when I couldn't see what you saw. Thank you for the most beautiful home ever, with wooden and marble floors that always bring the best out of each season. Thank you for driving me to school when I missed the bus, for spending late nights in the office doing work. Thank you for loving me for all that I am.

completely touched by Spirited Away

Boy oh Boy is the weather getting hot. While I'm always in search of water, I love being out in the open in the most literal and figurative way. For one, I enjoy wearing a lighter wardrobe. For two, I enjoy greeting people in the sun.

It's been a while since I last blogged, but here's the quick update. Lately, I've been having a lot of mood swings only because when I'm down I remember that I can choose to be up, but only if I have enough strength to be up and keep it up. Why have I been down? For a couple of reasons. Sometimes I feel the loneliness of having to grow up and out. You can say it's a community experience, but ultimately, it comes down to you and you alone. I realized that the day you cry is the day you break through another barrier of stepping further and further into the real world. I imagine an invisible covering over my body that every time I do cry, it peels away (much like a corn-on-the-cob or a rose bud). It's scary growing up. Few days go by without a flash of what the future will look like when it's all up to me. It's scarier that way because in that moment, time seems to condense itself and your heart just goes absent on you.

Days I do get down are also when I cease to speak up. If the people I want to become friends with talk about something I'm not interested in or do things that don't excite me, I feel apart, afloat, dead, different. It feels worse when I have a lump in my throat and anything I do want to say gets shoved back down to where it came from and I end up feeling like a wimp - too afraid to be judged. Days when I do speak up are days when I also doubt my consideration for others. So as you can see, it is an inner struggle to find where I best function freely without hurting the people around me.

2 Things I've been working on this month:

1) Saying 'Hi' to the people I know so that they don't go unnoticed.

2) Keeping my back straight so I look and feel livelier.

Bout' 4 weeks left of school! Two things most often imagined when thinking about the end of school: 1) The day my parents come pick me up and help me move out, 2) Sitting in the back seat and chillaxing on a vacay road trip!