Uplift

Charice - Pyramid

How I Feel

I'm holding my breath. But for what?

Maybe I'm not breathing at all.

I am told to dwell on the things that are lovely, the things are that are admirable, but I can't because I'm sad. (Uh-huh)

He says this video is not for the faint-hearted, but the reality is that his heart is full of hatred, and he can't even tell the difference.

He told me to shape together, "perk up, Steph!," but I am not willing to lie to myself because I've learned how important it is to stay true to what's going on inside. If I ignore it, it'll still resurface, and the time in-between would just feel like a complete waste.

Ever heard of the phrase, "If only I knew back then what I know now..?"

You see, I have this urgency to feel effective and transformative. My problem is that I am completely flawed.

(hah!)

1. I am stubborn

2. I will go to such length to repel criticism (and I know psychoanalytically, why), and when I am criticized, I can't help but take it to heart.

3. I am so critical towards others (hoho, you'll see through the tone of my voice later on)

What does that make me? A near helpless being who will struggle in every way her whole, entire, [ugh], life.

By far, I know that I've come a long way in transforming my attitude, and I'm actually proud of myself for following through in my self-realization with God's help of revelation. But by no means will it be enough to stop and settle for something that's not completely pleasing and glorifying to God.

(mhm)

I ... have desires, but it sucks if you're like me, and sometimes you're just "jungwuo," wenzhou for "sick" or "tired," of EVERYTHING that has to do with Christianity - the waiting, the drill of suffering and coming alive, the wash of tutti fruity in people's eyes, the ignorance, AND the passive-polar-aggressiveness in other's eyes. It seriously sucks. Because when you're made to be in community, it's hard to escape it.

I just said in my head, I need time, but fear struck and I asked myself, But how long??

Seriously, Seriously? It can't be years. IT CAN'T BE. Because college is supposed to be the funnest years in your life right? Heh heh, it doesn't look that way

[...]

There was one time in my life when I could tell I slipped into depression. I think it was my junior year (when I found out the poem I wrote while feeling completely miserable got published as one of the top ten in the new york state area for high schoolers. You should remember it - "Flashbacks of God.") Yes, God was the silver lining through it all, when everything in life caved in and seemed miserable, totally irreversible, helpless, and inescapable.

Point is, the kind of depression I'm going through now is not the same as three years ago. I don't think everything in life is miserable. I enjoy things and delight in little pleasures, like the scrunchies sitting on my table as I speak. The problem is life on earth is fleeting, and is it wrong to not look forward to everything I see negative in the future..? The fights I'll have with my husband, that is if I'm willing to even accept one. Then again, everything good in life does come with a price, answer is, I am toooooooooootally NOT ready to pay it.

Freaking guys as well. Can I vent about them? Why do I always imagine guys in the future as babys... no replies accepted. Have woman become too controlling?? Too dominating?? I mean seriously? What's wrong with this picture..

[is this just me?]

When I refocus on God, I keep coming back to the same excuse - there's just not enough support here in my walk. Which reminds me of another problem I have:

I don't know how to ask for help. [riggleslivybubbermibby!!@#]

Maybe because the right people who I feel I can trust simply aren't around. [riggleslivybubbermibby!!@#] I've had someone reach out to me, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to trust him with my heart! And although I've actually stopped my used-to-be incessant cries to God for a true quality friend and settled for the fact that I am a total introvert, the irony is that I still want someone physical to hear me out and not judge me right away for it. I just want a friend who will listen and really care.

You know why people hold back? It's because people too often treat each other as objects. People use people. People use them and throw them back out like rags. [you notice it too]

I've noticed that in my life, I can highlight only a select few on my journey that I've really connected heart-to-heart with and those people I will treasure forever. But I'm still vying for people to look me heart-to-heart. It's the only way I'll remember them and keep in touch, otherwise I'm just an explorer exploring her surroundings and moving on - nothing changed, except a reinforced worldview (you want it so badly to change, you've tried thinking about better and more lovely thoughts but it slips away from you like soap in your hands).

I still feel the same.

Completely unmoved, but hoping for movement.

Yet still quite delighted in the small things, like scrunchies, earphones, nikonD3000s, the grand piano, and flowers.

[and lemonade stands]

Still cynical of the future and the people in it. [yea]

Still flawed, totally condemning, somewhat bitter, somewhat hopeful [voice goes up]

And through it all, I still feel the same.

can you help me?

Viet Spring Rolls

[image taken from google.com/images] Mm Mm good.

Yesterday night I went to Chinatown to have dinner. We had to travel down south in the first place to water ah-yi's garden and to pick the beans and tomatoes from his garden.

I had a craving for this (above). And it tasted soo good :]

Heat

Today, I woke up, practiced parallel parking, did some house chores, watered the grass in our front yard, and looked up my sophomore graphic design teacher, ellen lupton.

I am honestly excited about sophomore year. It's going to be great despite the work load because I'm finally going to be learning more about what I'm actually going to do for the rest of my career, which is graphic design.

Summer's more than halfway gone and the year 2010 is more than halfway gone! Time really flies, but God will always remain. I know this for sure because I just came out of a very unsure phase in my faith only for God to greet me with grace and love again. Here's more of the story.

It began earlier this Spring. I was sitting at the MVP bus station in Baltimore ready to go back home to New York for Spring break when I decided to take back from God the control He had over my life. I had made an idol out of friendship and I was angry at God for holding out on me. I blamed Him for the pain He allowed in my life as a result of being set apart and being brokenhearted in Him.

I felt casted out from some of my classmates at MICA because my ways were not their ways, neither were their ways my ways. I felt alienated. My closest friendships didn't go deep enough.

At the same time, I held a sense of helplessness. In holding on tightly to my beliefs, I sensed a similar pull at the other end of the string, a defiance against Christianity. Imagine someone else trying to penetrate your own beliefs. For some in MICA, Christianity is as much as defied by them as we, Christians, may defy such a religion as Buddhism. The only difference is that our God is the only one and true, living God. Fed into the discouragement was seeing the world through the eyes of God: millions of people unreached, and aching for them as a result, being utterly brokenhearted with God.

Of course, I was sad. But this made me even more desperate for a community I could both relate and trust. Nevertheless, time passed before bitterness against God sank deep within my heart. I unconsciously began putting my guard up, being suspicious of people I didn't think held the same view or values as I did. Ultimately, it came down to me judging others too harshly and too quickly. I suffered the consequence of being further alienated from my church mates and rejecting the opportunities offered in the church to serve because I began to question my own faith and ended up sitting on the fence about it.

The decision to push God out of the pilot seat came out of anger. In my mind, I asked God two essential questions, "If you are in control of everything, why won't you give me friends who can support me?" "Why did you sadden my heart for your people even though you know I can't reach all of them on my own?" With these questions, I developed an attitude of speculation and inquiry which easily shook my faith and foundation in God.

As weeks passed after I took control of the wheel, out of spiritual hunger and thirst, I continually sought head knowledge, worldly wisdom. I listened more closely to preachers, was more attentive and critical of their message if something they claimed did not seem absolute in my mind. Out of it, however, I also began making the Bible more of a personal item; where a preacher makes a reference instigates me to reaffirm his words by flipping through my own Bible and reading those words for myself. It came out of a kind of skepticism, this method of checking, but it greatly personalized the Bible for me and allowed God to speak truth into me while reading it.

Although my faith was drifting, something inside of me whispered keep going, keep searching. More weeks passed, and I was deathly aware of how far I had roamed from God. For the first time in my walk, I felt as though I had a mind of my own. I could follow through on my questions and not feel trapped in the act of spirituality or blindness. Eventually, my parents picked up on my different behavior. They noticed that I was asking questions and uncertain about a lot of things. Although I can probably come up with more questions, thankfully my dad answered a good majority of them enough to ease me back to God. It was through this interaction that God guided me back to Him.

Amazingly, even though the method was merely a matter of convincing me through the affirmation of each question I asked, the cross that Jesus had to carry to calvary was once again the central point, the illumination of it all. Some people blame God for allowing sin to enter the world, when really all God wanted was to allow humans to be non-robots by giving them a free will. God's love was the origin and He continues to exemplify that through grace, faithfulness, and everything else that reaffirms that He is Good.

I forgot this aspect of God's nature. He is Good. I blamed Him for being bad, for neglecting my needs and desires, but God continues to impress me with his masterful plan in giving me more wisdom and understanding. Now I know that I'm coming up from this obstacle stronger, more convicted, and more praising of God.

I was a rebel, and though I may continue to wrestle with God in the future, I know that no one, not even Satan, can snatch me away from Him. No one can snatch the children of God out of His hands. We are His forever.

I hope that sharing this story has encouraged you in your walk with God, that even though we may rebel against God out of anger or bitterness, He will not only wait for you to return to Him, but also guide you in understanding more about His character - His true and good character.

I am blessed in all areas of my life, and that is why I want to give back. After all this, God has strengthened my faith and will continue to strengthen it. Because of this, I feel like He has prepared me to go on my first missions trip. Whether it be next summer or after I graduate college, I will always be working full-time for Him. I definitely feel like God put me so purposefully in MICA so that I can be a witness on campus and do powerful and fruitful things in other's lives. For this, I am also grateful.

In the coming years I will make an effort to read more of the Bible and build up love through it. May you also be built up in love, and remember that God is always Good.

A Love Story

Chapter 1
God was always watching over her. Ever since she was born, God had his eyes on her. Through the days, He displayed to her his majesty, but she only knew of him and did not have a relationship with him. Her parents knew God very well, and visiting his home every often, she began to hear stories about him, about his great love and kindness. Over the years, she continued visiting his home. People gathered from all over to sing to him and praise him for all the good works He had done and as she would sit in the pews to sing along, God would secretly come up to her to give her a present... joy. A smile would always grow on her face because of it, and every week she visited his home, she would sing louder and louder in the pews as her love for God grew. More years passed, and as she went on with life, going to school and coming home to her family, she would talk to God from time to time, over the phone, or read his letters to her. Sometimes when God seemed far and she felt like she was alone in the world, God would secretly tell other people to surround her with love. There were times, however, when she was left all alone in her own world to face some serious problems in her life and God was not always the first person she would go to for help. But because she was afraid to ask for help from anyone else, she suffered alone for some time, even though God was always standing at the the door calling her, waiting for her to stand up and walk to him so they could go on the journey together. She found the strength to stand up in God's love for her, and as she walked towards God to go on the journey, she decided to let everyone know that they were going to be together from now on.

Chapter 2
After letting everyone know, she was immediately filled with peace and determination. On their journey together, she would walk close to God, holding his hands sometimes, other times completely leaning on him. God had a flashlight at night, and through even the darkest nights, his flashlight would never burn out; at night, she would hold on tight to his hand, never let go, and pull through till morning. On other days, she was very tired and needed to sit down and rest. But one day, she grew really tired and weary and finally asked God, "Where does this journey lead us? Why are we going on this journey in the first place?" God sat next to her. He could see she was worn out by all the walking and all the greeting of people along the sidestreets. But before God could tell her anything she fell asleep. The next morning, she woke up and decided to tell God that even though she was walking on this journey with him, she would still need to go to college. God said, "I'll go with you. I will always be there for you," and her heart was greatly comforted by his words.


Chapter 3
At college, she would always talk to God, think about God when he was away at work, and spend time with him alone in in her room. She met new people who also heard about God, although some did not believe he existed, some did not think that his works were good, but also some who knew God as he was. She finally learned how important it was for people to know God, that his story and works were good and that knowing the true him, as she knew him, was a matter of life and death. After days of meeting and greeting people, and telling some about God, she grew discouraged that her words alone could not convince them about God. She knew how she felt in God's presence, that she could call Him any time in times of trouble or lonliness, and she wanted to share that with the rest of her school. At times, she would even tell God to show himself to them and save them all from death. And she thought that God would only show himself to her, when really, only she who knew God well had the eyes to see him. After learning from God himself to grow a heart and to love people, the things she learned from her journey with God, she grew mad at God for only being with her. She had such a big heart; she knew there were countless people who still needed to know about God and she wanted to reach all of them, and yet here God was hiding behind her back as she faced the hostility of the people, around whom she had told God about, all by herself. She didn't want to keep God to herself anymore. The problem was that God was hiding and she didn't know why! Time passed before she grew bitter at God. He had introduced himself to her, spent time with her, showed his love for the people, encouraged her to expand her own heart, and when she did expand her heart, the task before her seemed impossible, because God didn't show himself easily to the world, and her heart reached to the ends of it. It left a burden on her heart, like a piece of coal nestled inside an organ irritating every task at hand. She grew bitter because the coal seemed irremovable.

Chapter 4

She took a break from God, even though there were times when she needed to call him. God answered, but his voice seemed a bit softer. Sometimes, it was even hard to hear his voice in a noisy crowd. Could she recognize his voice anymore? "Hello? Hello??" She began falling for other guys, and even though she was taking a break from God, he still became jealous. She sensed this in God's voice when he called her one night to tell her that he still loved her. She felt like a betrayer inside, because she also knew she could always go back to God whenever she wanted to. "I love you too, God, but I just can't deal with this right now." She said it to him that night and the days passed, but God's impact in her life and her love for people was too overwhelming to dismiss so she went on meekly but intentfully. Each day, she kept her eyes open and God would sneak hidden presents he knew she would come across during her day, from season to season. Fall and Winter passed and Spring arrived. She had cut her hair at home and come back to school. When she would do her hair in the morning, she always wished she had a small clip to hold her hair back. During those spring nights, she would continue to reflect and meditate on her decisions that day and concentrate on what she had to get done for school in the coming days. She was busy, but during her breaks she would pick up her guitar and sing to God even though he seemed far from her. Some weeks passed and she began to feel empty inside without God by her side. She wanted to fill it and looked towards other people to fill it.

Chapter 5

It was a Sunday morning and she reluctantly woke up to go to another one of God's estate in Baltimore because she knew deep down inside the only person who could fill her emptiness, so she headed out to greet the people who knew God as well. One of those nights in college, she felt an amazing love come over her. That morning on her way to God's estate, she was walking alone in her own thoughts. She crossed the streets, waited for cars to pass, appreciated the beautiful day, and looked at the ground as she walked. Step by step, she walked on the sandy pavement, until she walked over something dark, something very small. She only recieved a quick glance at it and had taken a few steps forward when curiosity struck her to look back at the specimen. Bending forward, she reached out her hand to pick up a leapoard-colored small hair clip. At it, her heart jumped and a small feeling of intimidation at the center of her heart radiated out into a sly smile, even though her heart began beaming. She quickly turned around, the clip preciously twiddling around in her fingers, and started to walk again with an untraceable bounce at her heals.

Chapter 6

She came home from college a different person, ever so slightly, but noticeable. Her parents had decided to go to another one of God's estate in New Jersey, because her dad had grown passionate about God's mission in the world and wanted to help him serve his purpose. Now at the estate in New Jersey, she found herself idle in the midst of a moved crowd singing to God. She wanted to blend right back in, but she couldn't. She wanted to be real and every time they would sing songs to God, she would feel unmotivated, unmoved, undevoted, deeply divided. With her heart in one direction and her mind in another direction, she couldn't whisper a word. God had left written letters to her, and for now, she would keep those.

Epilogue

Her small leapard-colored hair clip was lost. The last time she remembered it was placing it in the cup of the side door of the car. Even though she lost the gift, she decided to search God out. She wanted her questions to be answered. The silent is now deafening to her so she fills it with music. And when music tires her ears, she sits in silence, reading through books, any book that may help her answer some of her questions. Rarely does she call God by phone anymore, but somehow, she still feels connected to his heart. She cut her hair again. Secretly, she knows a new beginning has begun and that the purpose of her earlier journey was always about preparing herself on the right track. Has she gotten back up?

Written by Stephanie Har