So Begins another Chapter.

As school is winding up, I am feeling the pressure of transitioning and making adjustments. This summer has been a very forgetful one by mind, but surely a not forgetful one by spirit. I feel as though as time goes on, my life seems to be more opened and disclosed to the biting reality of life: No one is ever safe or completely secure, and nothing is for certain. Of course, I am speaking in a worldly sense where the pattern of life is already known to you.

I recently was referred to the book of Romans. It's by far an alarming book and one that has consistently pulled me back to God with every chapter - the book of Ephesians as well (which has been the Sunday Bible Study for some weeks now) which always points to Christ.

You know, there's something very essential that was said to me last night. That is that I need to think more positively. The fact is not that God did not choose the person next to me (of which I will never know...) but that He saved me. SAVED meaning I can breathe again. I can be free and see life in a way where I am already a conqueror, a step above death.

It's not easy when people constantly deceive themselves. In fact, it proves how helpless we are to our sinful nature, how nothing we do is ever good or that nothing ever good is by our power. How can we do good then? Well, indeed we are not perfect beings, but we still have to try, something I thought I would give up on. It's not a bad thing - to try.

The Bible warns that the days are getting evil. That in fact, we should be wise to take up every opportunity and not wait too long. It's our way of keeping our selves safe and protected (or at least the illusion of it) but it's not always great to dream about the future. It's not always great to expect the default of life which you already know. On the other hand, to not have any expectations at all is really, I must say, a downer. What is the difference between dream and hope? I suppose a dream can be seen, but a hope cannot? I suppose I should rid myself of my dreams and instead work on putting my faith and trust in the hope that Jesus will come again. Romans elaborates on this; it says that (I am paraphrasing) what good is hope if you can imagine it! To not see is hope, to see will kill hope. I hope I said that correctly.

Wow, so basically much of this life, if not all, will be spent pretty much on this kind of unexplainable gut feeling and of course signs and guidance through prayer. It's seeming very scary and risky. Here's something I heard this past Sunday though that will (I think..) forever stick with me. That is Daniel Liu said that (quoting someone else) when we die, make sure the only thing we do is die talking about how to be a living sacrifice. I am impressed but certainly not surprised that he would preach on this topic the week before I go back to school, just because I've really been feeling on the fence about what it means to  "surrender my life." I've expressed in the past my fear of this (or going back to it), but I'm not afraid that I have been mistaken about what it means to "surrender." Now most people say "surrender your all" or "surrender everything" to God. People don't know what "all" or "everything" is. Make sure when you die, that the only thing you do is die. I will keep this in mind when I go back to school.

Thank you for sitting in with me. I hope your summer has also been a blessed one. Please feel free to contact me or to chat because I think I would enjoy it unless I'm busy. Ciao for now.

Stephanie

Hi folks!

I just wanted to update you on my life. My internship at Devito Group is going well. There are, wake-up calls, 3 more weeks of summer left!

I can't put quotations around how productive this summer has been. I simply want to move forward.
As the days pass, introspectively, I seem to be growing and maturing. I eat wonderful food, which tastes all the better when I pray beforehand. I have surprisingly stayed well out of the sun's rays this summer. Haven't dipped my toe in any pool thus far. Haven't sunken my feet in any scorching hot sand either. Every summer is just unlike any other.

The business of finding off-campus housing in Baltimore is coming to a halt. I will likely resort to my already-assigned on-campus housing, which when we visited last year was unsanitary. But at least I will have a bed to sleep in; and at least I will be close to my classes.

So I had a lot of things I wanted to do this summer that were not all fulfilled, but I am nevertheless never unsatisfied completely. Especially since my brother is getting married next summer <- wow.

To be honest, it's quite scary using the word "married" on my brother. My imagination and what is reality do not click. It excites me to say, though, that making arrangements for the wedding is pretty special. From picking out the wedding ring to reserving the banquet hall, it is really a strange and fascinating experience that transports me into a starry state.

I have to admit that this summer has been filled with worries and anxieties, unlike any other. They come on and off, on and off. And sometimes they result in restless nights. There was the housing situation, and there are others I feel closed to say aloud. But to be truthful, God is my rock I always go back to. No matter what the circumstance is, how tornado-y the storm is, I trust God is there with me and He reminds me that Earth is not my home. That my life is only temporary here. Even if my spirit was to ascend into heaven.

I also must say that without family and relatives and siblings in Christ, my heart would not be wrapped up in so much warmth. Right now, I imagine my heart to be surrounded by layers much like that of a croissant. Nice, warm, tender; gentle, quiet, and respectful.

The Bible says that there are greater battles to fight than our own flesh. That the evil of this world is one we should stand up against. I don't know if I can put my finger on it, but I (ha ha ha) agree with the Bible in saying that we are to look beyond our own physical body in dealing with the spiritual fight at hand, which is that of good and evil. I used to think that so much evil came from within. But it turns out that I just have a negative outlook on life. I was optimistic once, and I had a friend who was pessimistic, and I just couldn't see through to what she saw - how life could be so upsetting, disappointing, and just dull. Somewhere between high school and college, I shifted from my giddy outlook on life to being right in her position (almost).

Why is reality so mean? Why is it so disrespectful?

You know, I despair of life too, just like how Jesus' followers were persecuted in China (as it is written in the Bible) and they despaired of life too. I cry because people ignore me, and people see me as an object, and because the earth is cursed and we must now labor in all that we do.. non-stop at that.

But quite to my surprise every single time, it never simply ends at that downcast thought. Whatever state I am in, there is and will always be that tingle of hope in life. And that is enough to stand up again and fight evil.

There is so much uncertainty in the future: when this world will end or how we can manage to survive just in our lifetime. Which makes greed seem all the more grimier.

Can we just cling on?

I think about the next day, and I worry. Even if I think about the next day and I do not worry and I am happy, I will still despair the part of life that is vain.

And day-to-day, we are not any younger. How? Why? When? What? Who?

We keep asking ourselves these questions when He's right in front of us. 

Time Makes Beautiful

I'm starting to believe that time makes beautiful. That in the moment, when our emotions, expressions, and forms of creation seem mediocre or even disappointing but we give it our all, time will reveal its beauty.

NO NO NO!!!!!!!

I still have so many things left undone this summer!!!!!! ;( And it's already halfway done ;(((

I want to go biking.

I want to go swimming.

I want to go to the beach.

I want to settle into my new house already.

I need to interview three people who are in the design field.

I need to find a nice apartment to live in for this coming semester.

I need to seriously get myself a dog as soon as possible.

I need major hangouts with people.

I need to drink bubble tea, seriously.

I need quality time with family... still.


IT'S POURING RAINNNNN ;((((((((

Oh July, Oh July

Oh July, Oh July. You Art Wonderful so far.

Because You ARE my marker in life, the point in life where I am liberated and set free from my sin.

THANK YOUU!!!!!!!!

So today, I celebrated myself with a haircut/trim. :) Much must be done to get myself to a healthier state, but I'm getting there; soon, very soon. :)

The Lord has been gracious to me. He has lifted me high into the heavenly clouds where I am finally able to embrace myself. Thank you, again!

Our new house is in anticipation. Much much much is in anticipation in fact. No, much is to be acknowledged, celebrated, and excited for.

Today, we were looking at backsplashes for our kitchen when I had the idea of having Tetris tiles! Unfortunately, and happily! I found on Google someone had already came up with the idea: Tetris Backsplash

nifty, huh. although I was thinking the tiles would be in rainbow color analogous to the real game. [shrugs] anyways.... I am very blessed and there is much in store for all of us. May we stick together and keep going no matter what. ! :D

Lost

Tell me something you believe in and why you believe in it.

What are you living for? Is it worth living for? What does it mean to you?

It is the Beginning of June!

Tis.'

And I am feeling fine! TECBC has passed and I am truly blessed by all that I have witnessed and the opportunity to serve God! I will definitely consider going back to TECBC next year!

Tomorrow is church and after church I will be going to visit the new house on Canal Walk in Somerset, New Jersey -- My (parents') future home! Pics to come?

I've been working on a Thomas Kinkade painting on and off for about 3 weeks now. It's progressing, but there is still so much to do. My mom wants to hang it above the fireplace, above the sofa in our family room, or in the piano/living room in our new house. [eyebrows go up and down]

And big news! I'm beginning my internship this coming Monday! I will be working Mondays and Tuesdays for the rest of summer. The advertising agency is called The Devito Group. For the time being, I will be staying in Queens with my grandparents (with no Internet!) and commuting via subway. I pray that God will keep me safe during my travels and guide me in learning a lot from the experience!

One last thing. I have no apartment to live in next year! I am still looking for housing for my Junior year at MICA, so please pray that I will find a safe apartment to live in.

For now, I am thankful for all that has happened in May and I have faith in God that He will grow and mature me with the rest of this summer.

Night!

Looking Back at a Fallen Sand Castle

I want to start on a clean slate. I feel as though I've taken a long swerve about the main road. It's not that these past years have amount to nothing. They just led to a point where I realized that I was living with the wrong attitudes. No judging, more loving out of God's love for me, and the humility that comes with it. Knowledge is such a powerful thing. People make it their end to attain as much knowledge as their mind and life can hold. I can clearly see now where and when I took this route of making knowledge and understanding an end instead of a means. The Bible would definitely say it's striving after wind, which I can see why it would. Striving after knowledge and understanding is not living at all. Living is being yourself and having faith in God. It's spending time with the most important people in your life and being free to express yourself in front of them, without fear, but with caution. I'm getting it now, which seems ridiculous. That such simple lessons in life can be so hard to put to practice. That it would take so long to come to its realization on one's own. But in this sinful world, those kinds of roads are taken all the time.

I feel strange in myself. I feel as though for so long, I've lost my way, and yet I've come out of it much more affirmed that the way I took should not be one in which I should return to - leading by knowledge instead of faith. The path itself was probably necessary in order for God to teach me this lesson, but I should definitely steer clear of what I do (or hopefully did) often, which is over-think things.

I mean, for so long, I've been struggling a lot with self-hate, self-doubt, self-pity. It's a lot of degrading and killing of confidence. But it's something I need to deal with.

For now, I want to see where God leads me. I'm actually quite uncertain about more than 80% of my current state right now (not even life - state, meaning present moment state). It's leaving me feeling pretty anxious, stressed, pressured, and again, I want to hate myself for it because I don't know what I want <--

Basically, I've been totally deconstructed, and I'm in total shattered pieces inside however put together in a single image which is my flesh. It's surprising to me that I had built a sand-castle, not even something on sand or rock, but a sand-castle itself. And I suppose I saw it slowly melt with rain in college.

There is no question. Just a big question mark right now, which I find quite exciting. I suppose mainly because God loves me and won't let me down. From here on out, it's just a matter of who's making the calls.

That's it for now. I am looking forward to tecbc, which will be fun as well as (I can feel it already) - rewarding. I'm sure I'll learn just as much as or more than the teens that'll be there. Gotta keep prayin'.

A Reflection and Closing of Sophomore Year

I began enthusiastic about Sophomore year. I had interesting classes my first semester, including Michael Sizer's Creativity & Genius, and the warm class of Video I with Nadia Hironaka. Those were the highlight classes of semester one. Second semester as a Sophomore was more local thinking, in terms of growing more as a person. This second semester, I took probably the most meaningful classes I have ever taken, including Humanistic Studies and Modern Political Theory. First semester, I worked my butt off for six classes, four were studios, two were academic. This semester, I decided to take it easier on myself, so I decided on five classes, three studios and two academics. Although I had a sluggish start second semester, in terms of getting myself to concentrate on my work, my mind this entire sophomore year has been churning, churning, and churning.
I left Freshman year only with one episode of second-guessing my school choice and choice of major during spring break, in which I actively acted upon looking for other alternatives. This sophomore year, I faced two more episodes of doubt - one in which I missed fine art so much that I thought I was meant to major in Illustration or Painting. The second episode came nearer to the end of my second semester as a sophomore - I actually considered transferring to Rutgers which was closer to home, but I couldn't imagine myself studying anything else other than graphic design (and once in a while painting). And only MICA was fit for this course of study. After praying and keeping my eyes and ears peeled for signs, I believe God wants me to stay here.
The funny thing about that is that I felt a huge sense of relief and happiness when my parents actually suggested transferring to Rutgers. But I don't believe it was a sense of desire to move because MICA was not "fit" for me, but rather it was a sense of having an escape. An escape from all the liberal-ness that is MICA and all the deconstruction that is art college. In my head, I was rather thinking how MICA is really slowly cultivating my body, mind, and soul to handle more real-life problems that come with a much more diverse group of students and a more free and radical way of thinking and expressing. I think that this kind of environment would be challenging, but I guess after the signs and praying and finally getting to make myself believe that there is good in me and that I am not as bad of a person as I think I am, I am really attracted to MICA in the sense that it Is a challenge that I am willing to take. So far, MICA has been raw and true, bringing out the raw and true side of me. At a liberal arts college or at another secular university, I doubt I would get this far in terms of my personal journey with myself. MICA is an environment where I am forced to think critically as well as intelligently about my viewpoints on this world. I will never know how I develop at another institution, but MICA is a keeper.
This year, I've thought about numerous things as well as been better informed about issues I should and everyone should be aware of. I was introduced to conspiracy theory, looked more critically at the top corporations in america, and had productive discussions about prisons in America, America as a falling empire, guns rights, abortion, the death penalty, and much more.
During my first sophomore semester, I felt somewhat displaced in time by being so aware of time and death and the pending of life. However, with prayer and support, I am definitely more in the groove of life now. I am still conscious, of course, but I am not dreading anything and I have come to accept the beauty of mortality. I am always reminded of how fortunate I am.
You know, I always thought that even though I am a Sophomore in college, I see myself realizing things about myself and about this world two to four years after my peers have realized these things. My physical body may be a part of the community in my age group, but there were definitive moments when I came to a realization that made me understand a behavior or mindset of my peers from three years back. So I'm not up to date with people my age, but what can I say, we all grow up differently and at different paces at that. There are things they don't know, that I know, and vise versa. I'm not that bad of a person actually. I admit I still feel and sense a gap in my life when I led Cana at OCM. I was definitely not prepared to be a leader and I was really burdened by my duties. But I guess in general, I still have a bit of an extreme side to me, so it's not surprising that I would be able to become serious very fast. Call it discipline or whatever you want, but I was very conscious, VERY conscious. I always am for some reason which is why it's so hard for me to try to be ignorant and why I've become sensitive to other people in a good way because I get to develop my skills in manipulation, hahahahaha.
but really, psychoanalyzing myself has allowed me to understand how I got here and it's been a good method in also self-improving, in becoming a better person.
i've met quite a lot of people here ate MICA, also who say they've grown up Catholic, but they are clearly not Christians anymore. It's unfortunate that they have fallen away and are unwilling or don't know the truth to get back. Or that even if they believe in "a" god, that they still do not pursue holiness or righteousness which is so important to be in communion with God, essential actually. Throughout this whole year, and what I've realized through working in graphic design and photography is that I am at constant battle with myself - on one hand, I have God talking to me or I have values that I want to manifest, but on the other hand, I have my conscience that always conflicts with it telling me to follow my instincts, to do what I like or what interests me, but I always end up wondering whether what I like or what interests me is the same as what God wants me to do or to manifest. Therein, I struggle with my art and design work : ( and it gets frustrating because I'm sitting in front of a computer most of the time my head is debating with my spirit so my thighs get fat and my eyes go more blind while I'm at it.

that's my recent struggle, with graphic design and art itself. On the same note, I discovered a book called, "How to Be a Graphic Designer Without Losing Your Soul." I literally read the first two or three pages and was completely enlightened. I don't have to do mindless work! in advertising, at least. We're more than robots. Design is so important in today's world, bringing beauty but also efficiency to people. And there IS a way of expressing through design that does not compromise its integrity. I just have to continue to work at it. That is why I'm here at MICA. To keep working at graphic design until I figure out how to handle the tools and translate my ideas and thoughts into a visual.

With all that's been said, I want to say that this summer, I will be doing an internship at the Devito Group, an advertising agency in Manhattan, as well as volunteering as a bible study leader at TECBC. It's been a long time since I've served the body of Christ, or serve anybody at all. In fact, I was, and I think I still am, interested in literally serving people food at a diner or restaurant. I always imagine myself perfect for the job. I want to be a waitress for a part-time job in order to get a low-profile work experience. I would be good waitressing to people, I would think.

What else, I finished my last class today and so summer is here. But before anything, graduation will be here. Junior year feels like it'll be another profound year. And Senior year will be serious and hopeful and future-gazing. I'm taking my word for it.

Now, time to do laundry and finish packing. Sophomore year has come to a final close and this is Stephanie checking out, and moving on <3

LOVE
STEPHANIE

An amazing gem

you're such a spectacle. an amazing type of  being. kind of miraculously amazing. and i am awestruck by how wonderfully made you are. you are beautiful. you are amazingly wonderful. your mind is so beautiful. you are breathtaking. you are simply a perfect piece. a wonderful art work. you are a gem. an amazing wonderful piece... you are, what words cannot describe you are.

Stop letting me down

what if i'm not meant for this life. what if i'm not supposed to be here.
what if i made the wrong decision? i couldn't have could i have?
i shouldn't be feeling this way, should i? how am i supposed to know if i am supposed to?
why am i not good enough? why. should i move?
should i do it? should i transfer? then do what? do what? what am i going to do? how am i going to do it? how am i supposed to know what i'm supposed to do? why?
i hate life for being such a bummer. all the time. all the time it's disappointing. all the time it's ugly. here at least. i can understand why you would think that. now at least. stop letting me down. stop confusing me. just stop it.

*PASSION*

I NEED PASSION!!!!

This is my biggest issue/concern right now. I don't know what's holding me back though! I am certain the things I've been doing were things I really enjoyed and I am confident to this day that they still are things I could enjoy. But it's not in me. There simply is no fervor to get me to do what my mind desires which is to be satiated by absorbing myself in something that I absolutely love. But I can't! It's not possible, and it's frustrating because I can imagine all the work I would have created by now if I wasn't so caught up in life <-- meaning caught up in everything that's going on around me. My focus and attention just aren't there. And I'm not even sure if it's right or not.

Number 1, today I did something that made me feel totally violated.
Number 2, I feel like I'm complete weaksauce except the core of me, which is my soul.
Number 3, finals are here and I'm looking for an apartment while trying to get an internship.
Number 4, while life is hectic, i'm remaining completely calm, which is not surprising but still strange.
Number 5, I'm just trying to be me! If I was honest with myself, I'd realize how utterly sad I am for everything - for the loss of my past, for the worry of my parents, for the inevitable soon passing of my grandparents, for the world who doesn't know God, and for every other little thing that gets caught and realized. I guess that's life though. Losing and Gaining, losing and gaining, and I'm just in the process of LOSING many things in spite of good that can come out of it. I don't know. To me, it's like an inner mourning of my heart for all the things that once were and are no more and a mourning for the things that will be and happen.

It's not quite that simple either. To me, I'm struggling with clarity and truths and distinctions, knowing where to draw the line. Right now, I don't know how to NOT do anything out of selfish ambition without feeling awful about the work I create because I just don't like it or I just don't have a personal connection to it. I can't distinguish between selfish ambition and passion. Or the messages coming left and right that tell me to do my best, but also to let God take control, which implies two things: that I can do my best and that God must be the one doing it, which is confusing at first, but on second thought, it's just me being the hands and feet for God to do his work through me. I mean, when I think about it, isn't that what God didn't want? For us to be robots? or people He controlled? You see where I'm getting confused? Exactly how much does free will play into our relationship with God? For me, I think I feel awful inside because I can't differentiate between doing something for myself and doing something for God. I remove myself from my work so God can shine with his beauty displayed, but I don't sense a kind of passion behind the work, nor do I feel any personal connection with the work. And if I do not remove myself from the work and I base my decision-making on what satisfies Me, for example personal taste/preference/style, then I feel completely awful for blocking out God and supposedly doing something out of 'selfish ambition.' You see my dilemma right?

I heard at an art seminar before that our goal as artists is to create work that is beautiful or that displays a kind of beauty to the world that encourages it and enlightens people. A kind of beauty that would be reflective of God. I'm starting to think that God is trying to show me that beauty doesn't only come in the form of control or order, but that beauty can come out of passion, a kind of spontaneity that was looked down upon in terms of contradicting a kind of chinese stereotype of what a beautiful girl/woman should look like, which is restrained, proper, reserved, ordered, and every other possible adjective that would match the imagery of a cloud in a straight-jacket. This was the impression that I got when I was young. I was molded to think that this was the generic or universal beauty that people admired. But I was wrong. Although, walking elegantly and lightly on one's feet is a lovely sight, or that speaking moderately and having smooth transitions/actions are graceful, I'm starting to think that it's ok to skip on my feet once in a while (without looking like a child) and that sudden movements can be charming and beautiful at the same time. I think this is who I am. I kept forcing myself into this cookie-cutter beauty that I wasn't satisfied with but that I knew was in itself a beautiful thing. There are girls out there who actually naturally fit this mold, and they're beautiful just the way they are. But I'm the kind that likes roughness and adventure. I'm the kind who wouldn't mind a bruise on the leg. While I see the value in having a persevering spirit, I feel like God is also speaking to me in terms of giving myself more credit in who I am, or more accurately, who I've been hiding. There are many messages in this world that tell people to just be themselves, to be free and act as they would. For me, there is a delicate line. This line divides volatile impulsiveness from intelligible self-control, profanity from modesty, rudeness and disrespect from propriety and courtesy. I value all the latter in the matter.

However, what I've learned is that having these qualities does not mean suppressing my other qualities. I feel like I've let people down in terms of not allowing my personality to shine more. I feel like I've been holding back from them and as a result, I've been holding out on God's gift to them as a person. I'm sorry for myself and I'm sorry to them for letting them wait in a period of mediocrity or dullness. I'm not being pretentious when I say these things, but the fact is that each of us are God's gift to each other, and if one person suffers, everyone suffers. For me, I've been going through a lot of hard times. And all I'm saying in my writing is that I'm sorry that people had to go through it with me even if they were unaware and especially if they didn't know what to do. Right now, I despise how my parents are worrying about me and about other things. I know they put their trust in God, but as parents, they still worry, and I don't want them to. It makes me feel bad for being in the situation that I am, which is the high possibility of living off-campus next year, which is obviously more dangerous in terms of security because it's not as tight as if I were to live on-campus. And considering Baltimore and it's neighborhoods, it WILL be a scary thing for me too, but it's a downer to think that I'm little bit of fear actually is multiplied in my parents concerning me. That's why praying is important. Praying is essential.

Before I end, I want to point out an observation. That this post has, since a very long time, been my closest and greatest reflection of who I am. It's a post that really is the opening of a corkscrew on a bottle again because my voice is here, embedded into it. I'm not saying that my other posts were fake or not me, but my other posts were definitely more thought-controlled and mind-restricted. This post was much more fluid and easier to write. Maybe because I've reached a point in life where I have confirmed that who I am as a person maybe isn't bad at all. Maybe I'm starting to overcome some negative thoughts about myself that have put me down for a while. Maybe I'm learning to accept who I am, to recognize that I have major flaws, but that they're not the end of the world, and that I can correct them and learn to cope with them and let others know about them to let our relationship benefit from it. I might be controlling, and I am likely not to take critiques well, but I'll work on it. I'll work on letting go, I'll learn how to work in a team, and I'll understand that the hardest critiques can come from the people who believe in me the most. Thank you all for your support and I apologize sincerely if I have ever offended you or judged you. I am just like you, a human being with problems trying to make sense of the world as a growing person transitioning into the real world, as a person trying to help others, as a person who goes through a stage of (or maybe it's not a stage at all) awkwardness, and as a person who needs to critique the world in order to know it. Once again, I'm sorry if you saw an ugly side of me or was hurt by me. We need to keep supporting each other because we all go through uncertain times. 

They Hate Me Because They Don't Know Me

Some people hate me because they think I try too hard, or that I'm fake. Some people hate me because they think I'm shy or I act. They think I am hateworthy because they don't know me and it is impossible to get to know me because I didn't know myself. People think that I am no one. Just this asian, chinese girl who is conservative. Who doesn't know what to do. Who thinks I am so weak for not speaking in class or for looking at people a certain way. They hate me because I don't know who I am. Because I am awkward in front of them. They hate me because I live in my own mind and I keep to myself instead of being a part of the group. They hate me because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to act. People hate me because I am scatter-brained. I make them feel uncomfortable and they don't know how to handle me. They think I'm desperate. People hate looking at me. They hate seeing me down the street. They hate when I talk because I am always controlling. They hate me because they always sense that I'm looking for something in them that they aren't willing to give or they don't have. They hate me because they think I'm ruthless, a loner, a person who doesn't need help at all. They hate me because I can be random and stupid but act smart at the same time. They hate me because I am foreign to them. They can't tell what my problem is and they don't want to know what it is or touch it at all. People hate me because they think I have everything in order. That I get things my way. That I go at something while using people and stepping on toes. They hate me for trying to be nice. They hate me for being silent. They hate me for being a nuance and a deranged person. They hate me for acting like I know or acting like I don't know and acting like a victim. They hate me for my personality. They hate that I get answers from them. They hate me for not knowing how to be normal. Not knowing how to approach someone and carry a conversation. They hate me because my face is blank. Because I am a hypocrite. Because I say one thing and act another. They hate me because I'm always changing. Always unpredictable. Always different every day. People hate me because they think I think I'm better than them. They hate me for not putting enough effort into my work. They hate me because I don't live up to what I say I am. They hate me because I manipulate them. People hate me because they think I'm perverted. They think I'm unworthy to talk to. They think I'm nothing, no one, with no substance. They think I'm a floater. They think I have no feelings. They don't think I'm human at all. They see me as someone out to get them. They don't like me at all. They hate me because they don't feel safe around me. They think I can't communicate with them or talk because I act weird and I have all these walls and barriers and guards up. How could they possibly know me or get to know me. Me who I don't even know who I am. Me who I thought I knew who then changed and thought it was permanent and then woke up and realized that I don't have anything and I don't remember anything but who I was when I was a kid who everyone hated. People hate without even saying those words. They hate by not talking at all. They hate by ignoring. They hate by seeing me as nothing. They hate for not looking at me as a human. They hate by assuming. They hate by thinking I'm not worth their time. They hate by looking at me and saying with their eyes that I'm different and that I'm an alien to them and that I deserve to die, go to hell for taking up room, taking up their time and energy. They hate by brushing me aside. They hate by treating me like dirt. They hate by thinking that I'm dumb. That I can't tell that they think I'm worthless or don't know any better. They think I can't feel. They think I have no emotions or heart or passion or soul or something worthy for them to consume. They hate me for knowing too much. For seeming like I am perfect and that I have a perfect life. They hate me for appearing happy all the time. They hate me because they think they can't get to me. They think I'm impenetrable. They think that I am a stone wall. They think that I can handle my own problems and then when I need help I can come to them or not at all. They hate me because I don't get help. Because I don't know how to ask for it. They hate me because I am radical. Because I am volatile. Because I am impulsive. Because I criticize. Because I judge. Because I assume. Because I hate them. Because I oppress them. They hate me because they don't know me. They don't know that I am a sister. I am fun to be around. They don't know that I can really open up to them. They don't know that I can be so open. They don't know that I can be compassionate. They don't know that I can be understanding. They don't know that I am a believer. They don't know that as a believer, I will never be able to feel at home on Earth. They don't know me because I am supposed to be alien to this world. They don't know me because my deepest and darkest secrets are between God and I and me and myself. They don't know me because they themselves are afraid and they themselves want to protect themselves from harm or hurt and they don't want to be bruised or used or tossed or confused. They hate me because I don't know. They hate me because I don't know them. They hate me because I don't know. They hate me because I am. They hate me because they think I am. They hate me because they think at all. They hate me. I can tell when they treat me like I don't know. That's the worst feeling. I'm supposed to hate you. And I do hate you. But I'll choose to love you anyways. And you'll hate me for that too. 

It's time to update on my life.

There are three weeks left of school. What I've realized is that each day spent in college, living independently and what not, beckons a continuous flow of some of life's most profound, yet intensely disturbing, questions. Every stretch of days or so, I arrive at a new question, or multiple questions.

Is this who I really am? who I've become? will I be like this in the future when I am a wife? a mother? No, the future will ask even more of me; I'll need to be stronger, more resilient, harder-working, more responsible, more accountable, and I will have to think of others more often and truly than I do of myself. I will work late nights and I instead of having five deadlines for five classes I'm taking now this semester, I'll have five times as much on my mind - food, home/rent, car, commissions, church, cleaning, appointments, meetings, ... the list goes on. 


I'm assuming it's natural for anyone to think these things and feel anxious, but whether or not people doubt themselves at this stage, when they imagine the future and see themselves failing at life because they don't think they have it in them, is more of a variant than, say, a common or prevalent feeling of anxiety.

Self-doubt is me right now. Physically, I feel like my body is numb and my soul is suspended in a cave inside of me, shaking. I don't think I have it in me to be someone outstanding enough, someone that people look up to and admire. I am more convinced that I have it in me to persevere, but not be respected or honored in the way I want to for my parents.

The Maryland Institute College of Art is a strange place. I went to MICA completely blank-minded and blind-sighted. Looking back at when a rep from MICA first came to my Briarcliff art classroom to promote the college, I am astounded at how remarkably severed a lived experience is from a simple presentation of its institution (literally, because she used a powerpoint) is. The fact is, everything falls short of description, no matter how detailed and labored or thought-over your words are. Nothing compares to the reality of the moment than the lived experience itself.

I'm not saying MICA lies or pitches false impressions. I'm saying, ten, twenty, thirty years from now, my college life will not only have shaped me into being, but it will also have shed down into mere words (written on a page, spoken, or evidenced through documents) that all the memories of it will be consumed over time for its own purposes and the day I utter back those words I will have embodied what it has given me.

That is also to say that my time here at MICA right now is a capsule. Once I'm out, I'm out and there's no going back.

People understand that adults are also kids. Physically, they once were, but they also possess the desire to relax and enjoy themselves from time to time again. Childish adults are really immature, but an adult who is a child inside is admirable and relatable. When we were all kids, we would look up to adults and see them as a whole different kind of species living in their own world. First, they appeared as giants, towering over us having adult one-on-one conversations, one having his arms crossed with a plastic cup in one hand doing the talking, and one making an L shape with his fingers on his chin and a hand in his pocket thinking hard. And we'd observe their serious expressions, their nodding, their harboring of something completely oblivious to us. High school, but especially College, is where we kids discover how much parents hold back the world for us to make a transition into it. The world demands many things of a human being as much as it subjects him to isolation. That is the post-modern world I am entering, and to be honest, I think it's fair game for how the generations below me will develop into their own world. You see, the world just doesn't become on its own. The world one generation enters into was built by the generations that came before it. Therefore, the world I will be building will be the world my little cousins will be entering in the decade to come. We are never simply transforming consecutively or linearly in time, but our actions hold weight much like the touching of the surface of water from a skipping rock.

Apparently, there are billions and billions of books out there, and there's a statistic that shows that there's a new book churning out every so [insert small interval] - day? (something like that). The novels and books and authors and philosophers I've come across in my courses here at MICA have been self-gratifying, because the quality of work and reputation of the author is well worth the time to digest and educate in. It just leaves me completely dumbfounded at how voices all over the world and throughout our entire history has been preserved, and what a loss it is only to be touching upon a very select few. From what I've read so far, I never imagined the conclusions or realizations I've had in real life would have already made its way into publication by someone wise and well-spoken enough to share before my time. It's both reassuring and nullifying because for one, I can confidently acknowledge that what I am going through in life right now has happened to someone before, and for two, it makes me feel like I'm just a repetition of the first and, therefore, insignificant.

While this has become a super long post, I'll end with my hopes. Ultimately, I hold onto God's faithfulness and the belief that He wants what is best for me in light of the world. I hope in his unconditional and utter love for me. I also hope in the day I will meet Him face-to-face and be made new again. I trust that along the rough road in life, my parents and siblings will be there for me. I trust that God will inspire me through other people and it will greatly motivate me to also do great things. I trust that no matter what happens to me on earth, that earth is not my home. I believe that God is also molding me into a teacher and understander so that I can help grow the next generations that will take after me. I understand the profound importance of paying attention to our younger generations and not only being there for them, but also being role models for them. I trust God's work in them as they grow. Lastly, I trust in the church, that people who have faith in God, no matter who we are, what we've been through, where we came from, would be united in God and would be each other's support and strength. May He continue to show Himself to us. 

Caroline Casey: Looking past limits | Video on TED.com

Caroline Casey: Looking past limits | Video on TED.com

Drip Drop Drip Drop

Days seem like ghost blocks that have passed by me completely. Could I perhaps have overcome a kind of care for the materialistic things of this world? I am surprised at myself. I never thought I would appreciate little kids so much, noticing how precious their lives are.

Maybe it's that innocence isn't lost in an instance, but is slowly lost over time. People say that teenagers have the most passion - that our energy is the most "fired up." I'm starting to believe that our energy is more closely related to 'a hope for the future' kind of a mindset and actually believing in ourselves to achieve a certain goal. This goal grows less and less bright as time passes because the realities, the inner struggles, the expectations seem to press it down. Hope. What do you have hope in? Does Hope imply a form of savior in your life? And if so, from what?

I know that life will always bring new experiences. But now, more than ever, I question my role as a member of humanity. Honestly, I seem to have given up on trying - simply that. I always tried.

How did my school life grow so cold? I wish I stopped going to school because I can never understand how I am automatically insecure in the midst of schoolmates. Honestly, I fear the people in school. If I was anywhere else, at home, at an amusement park with strangers, I would actually feel more safe being myself. Why then is school NOT SAFE. Why do I always fear judgment. How can I feel safe at school? I think this is my biggest dilemma. Send me anywhere else, and I'll be fine. Just not school. I never felt safe there.

Reflecting on what I've been going through much lately, I've been trying to dig in the past and nestle in the warm soil of what my childhood offered. Sadly, I can't find that feeling anymore as often as I'd like to. I'd say that warm feeling is only felt around family. Both sad and scary is the fact that I am growing further apart from my family. The strange thing about transitioning from childhood to adulthood is that you don't know how to respond to the changes. So you'll look to media, what they show on T.V., and you'll look to the older generations in your own family and how they function, and you'll wonder how they ever got through to get to where they are now. For me, I refuse to follow media. I refuse to distance myself from my family members, but sometimes, even they don't comply. What confuses me is the idea that my refusal to distance myself from my family, what does that equate to? Does that mean I am refusing to "grow up?" What does "growing up" mean anyways to you? You might say, well, taking care of yourself and being less reliant on your parents and handling your own responsibilities. I can take that answer. But I believe I can do all that while keeping a close relationship with my family. It's just hard because media, as far as I have observed, has shown teenagers who grow up and want to get as far away as possible from their parents; they want as little to do with them. They want to completely sever themselves and start anew. I find that despicable to a degree and according to circumstance.

So what does it mean to grow up? How do you handle the change? What inside of you stays the same? What do you allow to change? Do you believe you can change? I seem to be stuck in time. It feels problematic, but because I'm so stuck, I can't seem to move or make intentional decisions. I don't have it in me right now. I just don't. And its disheartening to be in this position. At least I'm conscious that I am in the position. I feel like I have the option to jump out and pretend that everything is fine and that I am okay and that I know exactly what I'm doing and where I want to go or what I want to do. Do you know what you want?

But I can't. Who on earth indulges in my state of, reluctantly I say, purposelessness. Am I lazy? I can't be. I just can't find my motivation as to why I should try again. Trying, I am repulsed by that word now.

Honestly, I don't want to try. I can't. Whenever I think about it, my throat sinks into my body like I'm disgusted. For now, I want to leave with this song: Someday

If truly our passions lead us to where we are meant to be and we are fully satisfied and the world's needs in that particular area are met, then why can't I dream? I feel like I've been SO brainwashed by SO many sermons I now have this animosity towards church; secretively. I want to be optimistic again.

That's a start [we'll see].
Dream High

Closer Than I Thought

When death comes knocking at one's heart, one all of a sudden realizes how petty were the thoughts and attitudes one had towards another person.

I don't blame myself for things that need to be learned naturally. But death is also a call back to reality. Forget infatuations or what I think about other people. I used to put up a really high guard in high school. I would walk down the hall and see other people and I couldn't connect to them. It was probably both, that I wasn't interested in their conversation and I wouldn't know how to bud in anyhow. I shrunk. Being afraid of what other people would think of me was part of the problem. But my biggest problem was being afraid of myself. Not being comfortable with who I was, or who I thought I was. I became afraid of myself because I saw how destructive my behavior could be at home, and I didn't want to hurt anyone else at school. For the most part, I was an angry kid because I felt categorized as the youngest child and my family unknowingly pushed that character further. It was to the point where I was disgusted with myself because I felt ugly and wild and uncontrollable. I felt like a reckless being, unconcerned about how other's might feel in pursuit of justifying my own being; I wanted to be heard, but I couldn't. I was stuck in a vicious cycle.

I ended up shutting myself completely down in school. I was keeping the plug on, so to speak. For the time being, I would simply focus on my academics and strive to be an admired student. Throughout the whole journey, however, God was secretly by my side, and that's why going to church every Sunday and worshipping God, in hindsight, was my progress in becoming who I was meant to be, all junk scruffed aside. Worshipping God gave me joy and it refreshed my soul, and that's where I found my true identity - as a child of God. So throughout my entire high school experience, I was a reticent kid, because I didn't want to speak until I was comfortable with who I was. And going to church and fellowshipping with my family in Christ cleansed all the negative thoughts I held against myself in return for love by God.

Going to college really led me to find my own voice. I would strongly like to think that going to an art college even more encouraged me to find myself and be confident in that person. I am, to this day, trying to reaffirm myself of this person. But today, specifically, I realized, because of a death of a high school classmate who really sincerely reached out to me and who was a genuine person, that in the process of learning how to become more myself, I can't close people off. I remember hearing somewhere, that we can't get to know Jesus or God or the Holy Spirit for everything that He is just by secluding ourselves. Yes, that time alone one has with God is valuable and intimate and it grows the relationship, but to see or know the Trinity in its fullness is to open up to the community and see that God is a little bit in everyone. Same with discovering ourselves. I can spend alone time with myself, reflect, think things over, but I won't truly know myself unless I gain the courage to engage in the community. Then will I see a fuller picture of myself.

This death has caused me to realize that a person's sincerity does touch a person's life. In whatever we do, we can't hold back love. The thought that love can be reserved to only a select few in our lives should be casted out the window. I think that if we even try to love and give more, we'll be happier and it will manifest itself for the better. So at this moment, I am really touched by the loss of someone who tried to reach out to me even when my guard was way up in high school. Because I still feel the effects of his sincerity even after his death, I am now even more motivated to stop thinking so much and simply let go with all the kindness and warmth I can give to other people. This also tells me that when one person dies, his livelihood gives so much more potency to the lives of those he has invested in. If we had the smallest interaction, and yet here I am acknowledging that something inside of me has changed, then imagine how much more lives he's impacted with those he's been closer with and shared his heart with. It blows my mind how transformative death is because I think it brings even to greater light, LIFE, and what we can do with it.

So with all this being said, I hope you too can be willing to lay down your judgment of the world for a day in order to love it more. And instead of thinking or strategizing, to simply let go and act on your good intent and show people that you really care, because I know so many people do deep down but it really seldom gets noticed. So please, remember how precious time is and how living is a gift from God. May He continue to walk us through life.

What We Can Do For the Environment

I think there are so many ways we can preserve our environment.

I consider myself an environmentalist primarily because I care about my health, but also because earth is not only my temporary home, but also the home of the generations after me.

I walk down Mount Royal Avenue and I hold my breath every time a car buzzes by with the fumes of its pipes offending my lungs. Immediately, I think: poisoning the air... [I gasp through the sleeve of my sweater]... gas chamber!.... and then a black and white photo of Anne Frank's face flashes before my eyes. My heart saps at the thought of a generation thenceforth where every person is walking the streets with a gas mask on their face. The human face will cease to be naked and the joy of an emotion-filled face will ever be a small, sweet taste in memory.

Although tigers are on the path to extinction for other reasons, wildlife is readily threatened by humans that cause pollution. I'm sure you've heard of the polar bears or seals that face a dim future because global warming is melting the glaciers they thrive on. Furthermore, when glaciers melt, oceans rise (because ice turns into water), and soon, we might not even have Florida to visit for vacation; Islands will completely disappear. The hope is that with a communal effort, we can drastically change the fortune of all that was said.

Jumo.com is an excellent resource for you to find a particular cause you are passionate about. For now, I am passionate about saving our environment. Humans are its biggest threat. Although environmental awareness has increased over these past few years ("the green movement" per se), I know there is still room for improvement. My goal, simply, is to spread this fervor for caring for our environment. In doing so, more people can commit to the cause and the outcome will be even better than it is now.

I have gathered experiences in order to suggest little things that WILL contribute a big difference in the ongoing efforts to help save our environment. Although I am providing a list now, the care for your environment, in order for persevering results, must come from you. When we care, we stay environmentally conscious, and everything else is rather easy. It might help to do a little research about our impact on this world because the better informed you are, the more you will care. I guarantee it.

So here it goes!:

+ Own a personal refillable water container! (I have a blue one and I take it everywhere with me, to class, to church, to the gym. It saves me the cost of water bottles - which uses plastic and are bad for the landfills - and it keeps me hydrated during the day! Good for the earth, good for your health.)

+ Separate recyclables (milk containers, coke cans, paper) from perishables (food, gum, wax, glue, you name it). If your neighborhood doesn't collect recyclables, you can easily take selected cans and plastic bottles to a nearby supermarket (like ShopRite) and get reimbursed 5 cents each! (and believe me, it adds up real nice, especially if you've just hosted a party - check plus). As for that stack of magazine, newspaper, or scrap paper, bag it and you can drop it off at a nearby building office that has accessible blue recycling bins all around. You'll feel good you did it, and that pile of paper can be useful for wiping your mouth the next restaurant you dine out at!

+ Bring a reusable tope bag to the supermarket! What made me realize this option is that Save-a-Lot, a nearby supermarket by MICA, upon request, charges up to 10 cents per plastic bag. So I forced myself to bring a reusable tope bag with me on my next grocery trip, BUT ever since, I've been feeling environmentally happy-with-myself. It's a waste to use so many plastic bags if one (or two) large durable one would suffice. Agreed?

+ Walk, Ride a Bike, but never leave your car idle! This is a terrible way for extra pollution to get into the air, so the next time you're waiting for someone in the car, turn off the engine!

+ It there's an electric dryer go for it! If there's a paper dispenser, limit yourself to one sheet. Better yet, AIR DRY. Just shake it off and swing your hands back and forth for ten seconds. That's all it takes. No pride is hurt either ;]

I hope you can take one or two or all of these into consideration. If you are interested in more simple tips on how to be environmentally friendly, google is your friend. The possibilities are endless. Find something that fits your lifestyle and switch up a few habits for the betterment of your earth which is so full of beauty! It is in your hands, I assure you, and you CAN make a difference.


love,

Steph

p.s. SPREAD THE WORD!!

1. I'm excited for summer.
2. i'm looking forward to spring break.
3. i haven't been craving chinese food (surprisingly)
4. i am learning to forgive myself.
5. i am gonna love myself.
6. i am gonna pray and read the bible more often.
7. i am gonna have dim sum soon within these next few months. i am determined to.
8. i have been exercising lately. the fitness center is awesome to me.
9. i want to keep learning
10. i still have to forgive others.
11. i will take better care of myself.
12. i told myself i hadn't seen an insect for a really long time, and this morning i came upon a crushed bumble bee on the sidewalk.
13. it's disheartening to me that i can't find my passion for music anymore, the piano and the viola.
14. every second of my life was and is worthwhile.
15. i need more time to unwind.
16. there are words left unspoken to him and it makes me bitter inside and angry at him, but i'll step with God.
17. i have fallen in love with the passage in Psalms that says that God is my shepherd and I am a sheep and He lays me in green pastures and leads me besides quiet waters... He restores my soul.
18. I want to wear shorts in the sun.
19. I want to spend my time with someone i like in the bosom of nature.
20. I dream about hamsters and goldfish that proliferate.
21. I still have a distant wish to own a dog, hug it, and go jogging with it.
22. I am getting annoyed right now by my suite mate who doesn't know better than to silence her alarm when it goes off randomly in the middle of the night.
23. i can now appreciate and understand the meaning and value of art therapy.
24. i like blueberry bagels very much.
25. i really like Silk soy milk.
26. i don't like eating pretzels anymore.
27. I really really like snacking on mixed nuts.
28. i really like fruits (apples, bananas, strawberries, kiwis, pineapples, grapes, oranges, watermelon, mangoes, etc.)
29. I won't cut my hair for a long time (I have a little under four years to go for a reason I won't say).
30. My heart is still in China.
31. My heart is still in Nature.
32. My heart is still cuddled with animals.
33. I actually like chocolate (icecream, hot chocolate, real dark chocolate, but not chocolate cheerios).
34. I like having readily available clean water for me to drink.
35. I like spunk and funk but only when it's jewelry and sometimes clothing that i'm wearing myself.
36. i had a sweet, cozy, fun, and blessed childhood, of most i dedicate my appreciation towards 8 Summerland Lane and the prior house on Hidden Hollow Lane.
37. I used to be a champion at Connect-4, but I probably am not now, unfortunately.
38. I love barbeque outings, but I'd prefer a picnic with my loved one any day.
39. I don't care if I don't know how to bake well, or from scratch.
40. I actually like cooking and experimenting with food and tasting its outcome and being satisfied with my success.
41. I sometimes have irrational fears.
42. Joker, from the Dark Knight, is my enemy. Satan uses my capacity to imagine to haunt me with scary faces and ghosts.
43. I want to go to an amusement park with my boyfriend on a date one day...
44. I'd prefer tradition over contemporary most of the time.
45. I'll always be open to hear you out no matter what. I want to be there for you.
46. I'm better at remembering concepts than factual information.
47. I definitely prefer Lord of the Rings over Star Wars any day. I simply do not like space or sci-fi movies. I feel claustrophobic when watching scenes on spaceships or submarines. The only underwater movie I appreciate is Finding Nemo, not even little Mermaid.
48. I like eating corn.
49. I find necklaces are more meaningful than earrings.
50. I really enjoyed darkroom photography two semesters ago. black and white photography is beautiful.
51. I don't like imagining the sound of crunching bugs.
52. I love traveling to an extent.
53. I am sensitive to other people's feelings.
53. I am always looking to help other people any day especially if they ask for it.
54. I am especially concerned about their salvation and health.
55. I will never forget to pray for the people in my life.
56. I admit I haven't been to a lot of parties in my life, but I like a good crowd.
57. I am bold and exciting and unpredictable ever.
58. I am very pleased with all (except 1) of the readings/books/novels I have been assigned in college so far; they are highly informative and eye-opening and rich and novel.
59. I appreciate ever more a person who is genuine and open and sincere and open.
60. I will build my esteem.
61. I don't like small dogs, as much as I like bigger ones.
62. I can talk to goldfish.
63. I can talk to pretty much anything.
64. I think I'd prefer hand over computer pretty much any day; especially hand-written letters.
65. I don't appreciate the concept of "going out for coffee." I'd rather go out for crepes that have nutella and sliced bananas in them.
66. I should buy myself a container of vitamin gummy bears.
67. I like special k bars.
68. I like green tea kit-kat bars.
69. I don't think fall is my favorite season anymore, spring is, or summer is. winter was never a stickler. at least not yet.
70. "sheeee's a keeper" is now understood by me and equally employed.
71. vanilla hot chocolate isn't that bad.
72. My greatest physical insecurity are my inner thighs.
73. My forte would be the softness of my skin.
74. I don't appreciate butterflies as much as I appreciate caterpillars.
75. I hate black fuzzy caterpillars.
76. I would think to enjoy taro over lemon any day today.
77. I would prefer cantaloupes over honey dew for the most part.
78. I'm not into playing soccer at all really. I'd prefer basketball, or even baseball. football isn't much of a stickler either. i'd like to keep my body intact.
79. i've appreciated oil paints for a long time now; i have an affinity towards watercolor these days, probably because it's more fluid and forgiving.
80. i actually really don't like computer screens; i'd rather do away with the internet entirely. i'd like to live in the moment or at least appreciate the physical things around me more often than i do.
81. I prefer old people over little kids.
82. I'd prefer the elders over crying babies.
83. i'd appreciate apple-picking again.
84. i feel like make-up is an assault on my face, skin, and health.
85. i hate weird smells that pollute my lung and fumes that come from cars. i fear pollution and want to banish cars altogether and make society ride bikes so we won't have to force our (near) future generation to wear gas masks wherever they go.
86. I 1.5% considered buying myself a gas mask at the mica store today.
87. I like fishballs.
88. I can imagine liking sharing a moment with someone, preferably my loved one, at the point of sublime in nature, whether it be a sunset on the rocks or laying back in the park and taking in the warmth of the sun together.
89. I totally want to piggy back ride my boyfriend in the future. I would think I'd be happy.
90. I really enjoyed front row seats on the Nitro at Six Flags.
91. I'll probably do anything if my boyfriend is near and I feel safe with and protected by him, anything but things with insects and horror movies are definitely out of the question.
92. I love worshiping God, because it's a taste of heaven.
93. I think having something living to take care of (like a plant or goldfish or something) would give me much more motivation and grow a more nurturing soul.
94. I love breakfast in Paris - oh yeah.
95. There are so many places and experiences I still want to explore and do!.
96. I think romance is awesome, because I love it when God whispers to me and says something flattering.
97. I am pro-active.
98. I am loved.
99. I appreciate life.
100. I love God.

I'm taking two courses this semester that are really forcing me to look at America from a critical point of view: Modern Political Theory and Intro to Humanistic Studies. Our first reading in Intro to Humanistic Studies is titled, "Dark Ages America, the Final Phase of Empire," by Morris Berman. He talks about how America is an empire in decline as a result of expansion, foreign policy, and an internal decay, a cause of value changes.

I am coming from a point of view of an American citizen raised in the middle class family and is currently educated. I can't help but voice something out for this brief time.

There are two main ideas I want to get out there, and a question that was posed by Morris Bermin that is a question we should all think about. First, I'm going to address the two main ideas.

The first is this. Our country has heavily created the notion that individualism is of virtue and that expansion is healthy and a sign of success. On the contrary, this highly held view of individualism has, in many ways, corrupted our value system, which once was held in 1790 to be that a good citizen is a person who serves their community. Ask yourself this, "Have I been pursuing my own interests or do I behave in a manner that is beneficial to the collective whole?" Bermin dubs "What's in it for me?" the motto of our time. At its core? Obviously selfishness.

The problem, Bermin says, is that Americans have become so wasteful, and at the same time, we, the United States, have a $8 TRILLION trade deficit, and our national debt is through-the-roof catastrophic. And to upkeep this "luxurious" lifestyle? We are lending money from Europe, Japan, and China to keep us afloat. Basically, we are an inflating balloon, highly unstable at that, on the brink of a major crash.

Any one of these countries can pull the plug.

Along with other ideas he stated in his book, Bermin concludes that the American Empire, just like the Roman Empire, will fall. As my Modern Political Theory teacher puts it, this so-called "War on Terror," is basically a war against FEAR - how long do you think this war will last? The "War on Terror" is just another price we have to pay as an empire. After 9/11, America militarized, passed the Patriot Act (which basically allows the government to spy on its own citizens), and turned into a police state. An empire is characterized just by that - a military force.

I'm not here to bash America, but I want to promote what Jimmy Carter tried to do in his presidency, which was encourage the American citizens to be more introspective. Bermin points out that appearance is not reality. It is definitely easy to get caught up in living so comfortably and to completely ignore the direction that American is heading in, even though we've been told so many times while growing up that America is the best, and that we have great healthcare and technology, when America is actually ranked the 36th in healthcare among the world, while someplace like Saudi Arabia is ranked 26th (from what I can recall). It's shocking, but so true, when Bermin, in an open dialogue, stated that the reason why Americans are so sick physically and emotionally is because people treat each other like garbage. And in part, Americans are becoming more and more isolated, due to the provisions of the car which creates alienated units. Just if you look on the highway, you'll see what we mean. Americans driving alone in an enclosed capsule for miles on end. But back to people treating other people like garbage, Bermin makes the argument that people just don't care anymore. When Katrina hit, all eyes were there, but weeks passed and so would Americans, looking towards the next event. We can say the same for Haiti. America's value system has not only changed, but it is taking probably the biggest toll on the country in terms of all the microscopic decision-making that is influenced by it that, in turn, turns into something macro. At this point, we are in a state of decline, and Bermin does not even have to argue his point as merely lay down the facts of his research.

My second main idea is this. In such an individualized culture, we are nonetheless built into a structure. But for a structure that is failing, we need structures that will provide solutions. Meaning, we can not afford to respond to our nation's problems by reducing our reliance to our self. We must not give up on structure, because a change in the nation's system would rely on a change that comes from within a structure.

This leads to Bermin's question, "Where are the leaders of power?"

And I certainly don't think he means the President. Where are the structures in a society that can be active enough to push America in a different direction? The church? Corporations? Where are these leaders who, in the context of a declining empire, can push change from within America? And I'm pretty sure it's not the government.

Something to think about.

As a Christian, I had values I wanted to spread to other people. In light of my being, I hoped that I would inspire people to be more outward seeking and caring. My zeal, I had not known then, made me an activist. At a certain point in my life, after observing my culture and searching for ways to improve it, I realized and admitted to myself that I was an activist. I wanted ideas to spread, values to manifest. That was my goal. But now, I am saying that I really am not out to get anyone. I am, though, living a life worthy to God, and I believe that through me, God will make things happen by His power. So then what about structures that can change the whole nation? Although I don't think that taking action by our own will is wise, I do believe that being not only aware, but self-improving (and not in the egotistical sense, but in the good will sense), is essential if individuals can make a difference - knowing that yes, there are people in power, but that on a certain level, we have to act smart as individuals as well in influencing people in power in order to really see that change happen.

I'd say it all starts with ourselves. Just take a good look at yourself and see where your values really lie.

I think that should be all, and I hope you can do further research on this topic or ideas I've discussed so far. It is definitely worthwhile as you are living in America.

Well, No one requested it so I'm going to give out some of my top rated anyways.

I plan to explore more genres in the future and discover good music out there. If you have a recommendation (an artist, song, or genre) please! feel free to name it in the comment, and gracias in advance.

Here it goes!: a couple of songs I have been enjoying lately.

{they are in no particular order}

SHINee - Love Pain, Replay, A-Yo
Super Junior - No Other, One Fine Spring Day (amazing vocals in this one, it's truly beautiful), Shake it Up!
*BoA - Milky Way
*Bi (Rain) - Pantech
Se7en - I'm Going Crazy
Jay Chou - Carnival
TaeYang - Only Look At Me
GD & Top - Baby Good Night
Park Bom - You & I
Akon - Beautiful
Starfield - Remain
Nelly - Just a Dream
Mary J. Blige - *Be Without You, I Am
LMNT - Hey Juliet

*I've had history with this song and it's stayed classy and timeless

Ok, so most of these are asian music, but that's okay. I admit I don't know all the lyrics, but for the most part, music is a universal language, so I justify my right to listen to these songs based on their telling tune.

(: Enjoy.

Playlist

I have a rocking playlist right now I need only revise and add to. I can list it later on maybe, if you'd like. :)

This is Me, and I Will Love Me

This is what I just realized. I haven't allowed myself to love myself. In fact, deep down I've always feared myself because of what people said about my crazy and energized personality. I completely shut down after that. But to the people who really saw into me and saw that there was inkling of something worth appreciating, I thank you. I thank you for believing in me, holding onto me even when you were about to give up. You are truly my friend.

I feel like I just woke up from a dream. Although I haven't seen Inception, I know that the movie is about dreams within dreams within dreams and you never know in which reality you're actually living in. To me, I feel like I truly woke up from my last dream. In the past, I've written many times that I feel like I was just "awoken" whether it was in response to a sermon, an experience, or anything else, but truly this time, I can point my finger to a timeline in my past and say that it was THIS time that I fell asleep and and it NOW that I wake up. As soon as I gave up being myself, life was not life. As soon as I began believing the lies Satan told me, that I was ugly and that everything about me was despicable, I fell asleep and became lifeless. I hope that this does not happen to other people. I hope that people will have faith in themselves, knowing that EXACTLY who they are is EXACTLY how God intended them be. I have time to recover from my sleep, like I have to build more confidence up from here, but I'm glad I woke up. I feel like I've regained control of my body and that I can treat it nice now, and really really truly take care of myself. So thank you to those who stuck through it with me - whatever "it" is.

Happy Chinese New Years! and I hope that you continue to believe in yourself with more confidence. You're special and you're awesome! In all sincerity.


Stephanie

I aspire to cook, and to try allll kinds of exotic foods out there! particularly asian food ; O mmmmmmm, it's sounding so good my imagination is killing meeeee!!!!!

try try try!!!!!

i must be really hungry right now...

I want to eat Vietnamese food, try new drinks, go back to that Happy Time place in Chinatown whenever I go back to Chinatown, I want to eat Korean food, and Japanese food, and oh-so-good Chinese food, and I can't wait to eat it allll!!!!! Not to forget Indian Naam, or whatever that bread thing is called.

I shall.


Really.


PLEAAAASE leave a comment of what foods I should try! I know there's so much out there just WAITING to be discovered. Once I go to Europe or China or Taiwan, I reaaaallly want to eat their best food. XVX please, imagination, please stop.

My, my. It has indeed been a long time!

This semester at MICA is actually a simple, yet stretching transition (if that makes any sense to you).

Btw! I got my first dose of xhtml as they now call it.

Now, getting onto more important topics that have been occurring.

I am going through a time of continual transitions, as I am assuming many may would understand. I am 19 years old for goodness sakes. That's close to two decades I've been breathing and alive. Well, it does seem like I've lived longer than that! I might say that I feel like I've lived 30 years. At the same time, my future appears to me a condense and intense vision that excites me but nonetheless scares me. Everything that I built to believe as a child is receiving, from time to time, reality shocks. To explain this further, I would utter only one word that comes to mind when I think about growing up: responsibility. To me, I can dream and fantasize, but here's my recent shock: Now, the present, is what I have. I asked myself, "Who do I trust?" To believe in God, I learned, is often undermined for the reason that knowing God (and even his power) is far, very far, from actually resting our fate in his hands. There is an illustration I recall from a sermon that described the difference between knowing and believing. A man can know that his partner can cross a tight-rope across a canyon in the middle of the jungle, but a man who believes in his partner would have him carry his life on his partner's back as he crosses the rope. Continually, I asked myself this question: "Do you believe in God?" "Do YOU believe in God." "Do you BELIEVE in God?" And flashbacks of my baptism would occur and I said, "I know God, but..." "I can't" I couldn't continue to state, "I BELIEVE IN GOD." I was doubting because I felt like I had something to give up, this control that had quite actually proven itself to be futile in the run. I had believed in God, fully surrendered myself to him, in fact, too completely that I had given up on myself entirely. No, I learned that God wants us to keep ourselves, to keep our conditioning as a human and to be co-workers in his glory, as a humble being. This human conditioning I allude to is the intellect I too easily threw away. I feel now that I had a reckless faith. I was quite a disaster to a sense, even though arriving to that degree allowed me to find the appropriate balance that now allows me to BE instead of NOT BE. God never intended for us to be robots. Of course, that's why Adam and Eve had choice. To me, to BE is something WORTH discovering and frankly, that entails letting dreams and fantasies dissolve in the air like mist for the being in order that one would properly analyze himself in order to be fully awake again.

This has been, concerning my reflecting of my entire past, a very unexpected, certainly a very unpredictable unraveling of events that never cease to keep my senses acute. I have fallen many times. I have had a good share of dark hours as well as blissful ones. Nothing right now seems quite certain except the faith that I have in God. Most recently, I questioned the importance of the Bible. IF I believe in God, Believe as in appreciating the potency of God's power, how then can I so easily dismiss the Bible as something near sacred to God, near potent, near alive and present. The answer was simple: I can't. The Bible, I declare, is just as living and breathing as God is here with me now. To dilute the Bible's validity and power was, on my part, an oversight. When I open the Bible and read it for the first time again, there is no doubt a sense of fear that washes over me to observe a God, who's work has been recorded in the very text I held, be as real to me as the present. Stories, they call them. Stories have a fantastical aroma we instinctively relate. To dispel this aroma was a time when before my very eyes the clarity of God's realness overtook me. I imagined Jesus' miracles to be as real as the feeling of sand grains running through the fingers of my hand; I could feel the coarseness of each grain scratching against each other as the fine roughness would fall through my hands. In a passage in Ephesians, _ prays that I may be strengthened in God. Strangely, I saw myself as the food Jesus took and multiplied to feed the thousands. On my own, I would never be able to feed that many if at all satisfy. But finally creating this relation helped me understand that I, Stephanie, am also a miracle - that I can be taken into the hands of God so that he may multiply those who are saved in Christ. I understood. I can't rely on my own strength, because it was easy to imagine how quickly and easily that reservoir would be empty within days and even hours. Nothing is as sustaining as God. I remember, "He provides." It's not that he "provided" - past tense. He provides, in the present tense, says that He can multiply with what limited humans we are. I find that amazing.. btw.

My focus has begun this semester on the basic of learning, simply allowing myself to learn. Yes, I am a student, that is a given. But I have realized that my mind never allowed me to learn, only quickly adapt to situations. But in noticing that, I wanted to change so that I would take on the full ownership of a submissive student undisturbed by any other desire other than that to feed my intelligence instead of "eye-feeding," which is a form of pleasing others than your own needs. I want to build knowledge and wisdom. I want to be able to recall dates of events and the names of creators and rulers. I want to learn.. forreal, whatever and everything that word stands for.

So as I am easing back into school life, yes.. school life, I want to learn, forreal this time. I hope God can sustain this hunger.

What does it mean to fear God? I feel I sense that better now. His power and love is as raw as I believe it to be. Please continue to pray for each other.

Our Past Is Never Lost

When it seems as though the freshness of a new day only beckons forth visions for our future, we can easily erase our past and move on. In these past several months, I thought I was being left behind in all the adjustments that were forged through time and I felt the life around me moving forward, pressing towards the future. But in these last few days, I've come to realize that our past is never lost. In fact, our past is so deeply engrained in our present and future that we hardly notice it. Recently, I discovered how easily that portal to the past can be opened. There is a lot of hurt in that portal, I am sure for many of us. And any unreasonable anger is an easy sign that our past is right there with us.

We would like to think of our past as something more blissful than it was. We will do everything to remember the smiles and the good moments. But my reality is that my past is not simply a series of memories. My past has significantly shaped who I am as a person, including what my desires are. The ugly sheds light on some truth about myself that I am determined to face. Nothing is solved unless I do that. When something repeatedly occurs, I will notice the pattern and try to figure out what about myself is so disturbed by the act. Why am I so angry? And then I will realize...

Right now, there are many things out of my control. I am reminded, though, that I have the power to influence and that is all I will bear.