So Begins another Chapter.

As school is winding up, I am feeling the pressure of transitioning and making adjustments. This summer has been a very forgetful one by mind, but surely a not forgetful one by spirit. I feel as though as time goes on, my life seems to be more opened and disclosed to the biting reality of life: No one is ever safe or completely secure, and nothing is for certain. Of course, I am speaking in a worldly sense where the pattern of life is already known to you.

I recently was referred to the book of Romans. It's by far an alarming book and one that has consistently pulled me back to God with every chapter - the book of Ephesians as well (which has been the Sunday Bible Study for some weeks now) which always points to Christ.

You know, there's something very essential that was said to me last night. That is that I need to think more positively. The fact is not that God did not choose the person next to me (of which I will never know...) but that He saved me. SAVED meaning I can breathe again. I can be free and see life in a way where I am already a conqueror, a step above death.

It's not easy when people constantly deceive themselves. In fact, it proves how helpless we are to our sinful nature, how nothing we do is ever good or that nothing ever good is by our power. How can we do good then? Well, indeed we are not perfect beings, but we still have to try, something I thought I would give up on. It's not a bad thing - to try.

The Bible warns that the days are getting evil. That in fact, we should be wise to take up every opportunity and not wait too long. It's our way of keeping our selves safe and protected (or at least the illusion of it) but it's not always great to dream about the future. It's not always great to expect the default of life which you already know. On the other hand, to not have any expectations at all is really, I must say, a downer. What is the difference between dream and hope? I suppose a dream can be seen, but a hope cannot? I suppose I should rid myself of my dreams and instead work on putting my faith and trust in the hope that Jesus will come again. Romans elaborates on this; it says that (I am paraphrasing) what good is hope if you can imagine it! To not see is hope, to see will kill hope. I hope I said that correctly.

Wow, so basically much of this life, if not all, will be spent pretty much on this kind of unexplainable gut feeling and of course signs and guidance through prayer. It's seeming very scary and risky. Here's something I heard this past Sunday though that will (I think..) forever stick with me. That is Daniel Liu said that (quoting someone else) when we die, make sure the only thing we do is die talking about how to be a living sacrifice. I am impressed but certainly not surprised that he would preach on this topic the week before I go back to school, just because I've really been feeling on the fence about what it means to  "surrender my life." I've expressed in the past my fear of this (or going back to it), but I'm not afraid that I have been mistaken about what it means to "surrender." Now most people say "surrender your all" or "surrender everything" to God. People don't know what "all" or "everything" is. Make sure when you die, that the only thing you do is die. I will keep this in mind when I go back to school.

Thank you for sitting in with me. I hope your summer has also been a blessed one. Please feel free to contact me or to chat because I think I would enjoy it unless I'm busy. Ciao for now.

Stephanie

Hi folks!

I just wanted to update you on my life. My internship at Devito Group is going well. There are, wake-up calls, 3 more weeks of summer left!

I can't put quotations around how productive this summer has been. I simply want to move forward.
As the days pass, introspectively, I seem to be growing and maturing. I eat wonderful food, which tastes all the better when I pray beforehand. I have surprisingly stayed well out of the sun's rays this summer. Haven't dipped my toe in any pool thus far. Haven't sunken my feet in any scorching hot sand either. Every summer is just unlike any other.

The business of finding off-campus housing in Baltimore is coming to a halt. I will likely resort to my already-assigned on-campus housing, which when we visited last year was unsanitary. But at least I will have a bed to sleep in; and at least I will be close to my classes.

So I had a lot of things I wanted to do this summer that were not all fulfilled, but I am nevertheless never unsatisfied completely. Especially since my brother is getting married next summer <- wow.

To be honest, it's quite scary using the word "married" on my brother. My imagination and what is reality do not click. It excites me to say, though, that making arrangements for the wedding is pretty special. From picking out the wedding ring to reserving the banquet hall, it is really a strange and fascinating experience that transports me into a starry state.

I have to admit that this summer has been filled with worries and anxieties, unlike any other. They come on and off, on and off. And sometimes they result in restless nights. There was the housing situation, and there are others I feel closed to say aloud. But to be truthful, God is my rock I always go back to. No matter what the circumstance is, how tornado-y the storm is, I trust God is there with me and He reminds me that Earth is not my home. That my life is only temporary here. Even if my spirit was to ascend into heaven.

I also must say that without family and relatives and siblings in Christ, my heart would not be wrapped up in so much warmth. Right now, I imagine my heart to be surrounded by layers much like that of a croissant. Nice, warm, tender; gentle, quiet, and respectful.

The Bible says that there are greater battles to fight than our own flesh. That the evil of this world is one we should stand up against. I don't know if I can put my finger on it, but I (ha ha ha) agree with the Bible in saying that we are to look beyond our own physical body in dealing with the spiritual fight at hand, which is that of good and evil. I used to think that so much evil came from within. But it turns out that I just have a negative outlook on life. I was optimistic once, and I had a friend who was pessimistic, and I just couldn't see through to what she saw - how life could be so upsetting, disappointing, and just dull. Somewhere between high school and college, I shifted from my giddy outlook on life to being right in her position (almost).

Why is reality so mean? Why is it so disrespectful?

You know, I despair of life too, just like how Jesus' followers were persecuted in China (as it is written in the Bible) and they despaired of life too. I cry because people ignore me, and people see me as an object, and because the earth is cursed and we must now labor in all that we do.. non-stop at that.

But quite to my surprise every single time, it never simply ends at that downcast thought. Whatever state I am in, there is and will always be that tingle of hope in life. And that is enough to stand up again and fight evil.

There is so much uncertainty in the future: when this world will end or how we can manage to survive just in our lifetime. Which makes greed seem all the more grimier.

Can we just cling on?

I think about the next day, and I worry. Even if I think about the next day and I do not worry and I am happy, I will still despair the part of life that is vain.

And day-to-day, we are not any younger. How? Why? When? What? Who?

We keep asking ourselves these questions when He's right in front of us.