Mary J. Blige - Just Fine

mm mm good

I am BACK at mica and I'm feelin' fine. After a super fast break that felt really long, I have a good feeling these last few weeks will fly by. For some reason, I feel like I'm alive again in the sense that I'm here and my mind is here and I'm me and I know me and I can be who I am without having to be scared. It's as if my entire experience at mica up until spring break has been dormant and I can care less about looking back at it maybe because it all seems like a huge blurb (meaning... tons of things were going on all at the same time). And I guess me not looking back is (for once) a good thing because I can steer clear in the present and the future.

I've also been sensing that something like spring break has marked the start of a new era in my life. It sounds so unexpected of a spring break, but I really feel like spring break is as far as I want to and can (sanely) recollect my memories that are fond and fresh and appreciative. I believe a part of me is bitter towards God because He allowed me to get lost in my own thoughts, and in turn, I feel like I've missed a huge chunk of my life encasing myself in them because I didn't know better. But now, I feel insanely liberated in comparison, as if I've ushered into a new stage in my life that I'd like to let you know about. In part, I can solidly point to one or two things that were really key in liberating me. First, my parents found out that I was slipping in my devotion towards God (I skipped church a few times, I was for a long time without God's Word, and I lacked a consistent prayer life). I was afraid, ashamed, and embarrassed if my parents ever found out, and in my mind, I kept saying that I'd keep it under the rug because this rebellion against God would someday pass and I'd be right with God again. Little did I know that without my parent's knowing, I would forever be trapped in my own world of lies (even if I was right with God again) because I needed the Living Word to breathe Truth into me, and during spring break, my mom and dad made sure every night that I was reading the Bible and praying to God. I mean, they did in the past, but their checking up on me held THAT much more weight because they KNEW I needed that support - that their loving concern for me didn't just go as far as my physical well-being, but also my spiritual well-being. At that point, I felt like I had taken my first breath of air for the first time in a long time, like their support was and is the greatest thing that has happened in my Christian walk, because they are, my PARENTS are, helping me get back on my feet in Life in the most holistic sense because, I mean, when you know that the exact two people on earth who love you to the core of their being have got your back in the realm of life that may be unknown to the rest of the world, you can't help but draw strength from that. So yes, I am deeply encouraged and thankful for that. Second, I was impressed by a statement that single-handedly singled out everything but God. "Steph, your relationship with God is even more important than your relationship with me," my dad said. I was blown away, numbed, shocked at such stinging words that brought so much clarity to the value of having a healthy relationship with God. I know I love my parents, but for my dad to say that was like saying even if I die, your love for God should be greater than your love for me. And I don't love my dad because he can redeem me for all my sins or because he can give me eternal life, I love him because he's my dad. And to think that I love God because his identity in doing the DEED of a Savior is far more emphasized than who he is as my Father (my dad in heaven) has often caused me to fall short of loving him when I know that I am redeemed and I haven't "sinned" for a long time? is sad and completely heart-breaking. I mean, have you ever measured your love for God (besides salvation) depending on how guilty you feel about however many times you've sinned because you know that God can and will forgive you if you ask it of Him, therefore loving him more the more shameful you feel, loving him less the more holier you feel? I've always felt that something was wrong with that. (How much do you love God? Well it depends, how many times did He save me this week?) So for my dad to say what he did really put my relationship with God on the pedestal. I've always known that God should be first priority (and I think most of us have heard this before too), but to top that with, GOD should be MY GREATEST LOVE? That was a first. Third, my parents gave me the confirmation I needed in knowing that it's okay to be me in front of others (aside from a few things I still need to change.. eheh). I had this scary and lonely thought one day that because I was in college, I had to act more mature and different, to act calm, serious, and reserved (as if these were the things that made up "mature" in my mind). But while I was at home during spring break, in the midst of transitioning from being fully self-conscious to being ME, I realized that in the moments where I was me? was when I really saw myself grow as a person instead of a robot. When I made the decision to let go of all expectations and let myself go, I realized that "being mature" would also come naturally with my understanding and outspoken nature. Therein I gained more confidence in myself and reassurance in knowing that ME is not bad, ME is quite good and quite right.

This turned out to be a long post, but I hope I encouraged you in some way or another. My wish is for those still trapped in their own mind to just stop thinking for once, as I myself have been told in inconspicuous ways (e.g. I was watching American Idol one night during spring break when I made it in time to see the last two performers and at the last performer, Simon tells Crystal to "loosen up, have fun on stage and stop thinking" which strikingly hit me as if he were speaking directly to me! ahaa..). So free yourself from thinking once in a while, and if you feel like you can't stop the cycle, well then pray to God for stillness. I am also greatly thankful for Kristi Dusek for (right before spring break coincidentally.. hah!) sharing with me her vision in the car when we were praying of how I was like a water puddle in the wild disturbed by the swirling of mud from underneath and that God wanted me to be still... just to be still... for the debris in the water to settle so that the puddle could be still again. And that vision carries on with me whenever I feel confused or I feel like I'm thinking too much into something. I'll just remember the stillness of that puddle and that that's what God wants me to be in His presence.

So that's all the time I have for now since I have class tomorrow morning, but I hope this new era, this new start will continue down a road of growth and happiness and more celebration to come. Cheers on a new beginning :] [she raises her glass and thinks that you should too].

SPRING AWAKENING!

Thank goodness Spring is here. I needed this transition, as I'm sure most of us did. The sun is out and I'm feeling the giddy atmosphere rising! ahaa, anyways, about freshman year, for me, it was the freshman five, and although I'm not proud of it, while a lot of people called me fat when I went back to ocm, I was glad I didn't feel offended; in fact, I was cool with it :) because I know my first focus at this point is trying to develop a habit of reading the bible and praying every night.

So, it seems like spending spring break alone at home doing some spring cleaning and enjoying myself can always be appreciated. At the back of my mind, I know I'll have a cluster of things to do when I get back to MICA, but I think I must try enjoying everything I do and keep at that mindset, since it's so easy to stress. [sigh] Officially, there are 7 weeks of school left. wow. If you come up to me to ask how freshman year was, I hope my answer improves through these last few weeks...

SPRING IS HERE! Let the skin wars begin! hah!

The Outdoors Club

The Outdoors Club is my kind of club. We went hiking from 9:30am - 2pm. That's a lot of walking, a lot of nature, and a lot of adventure for one day. It brought me back to my childhood days when I carved out narrow paths in the woods in my backyard. I say this with full conviction when I say, "I was made to be a nature girl." I feel like I'm wired that way, and I feel most connected to my inner self when I'm in the wild, in the woods, by the streams, by the lakes. Today was a good day, because it made me happy to know that I don't have to burry a part of me that's being suppressed by the pressure of having to grow accustomed to this technologically-advanced society. I can still appreciate what's left of the woods and draw from man-made things the beauty that I also see in nature like I have been. Funny how being in my element has made me discover more about myself. I am really thankful for the Outdoors Club. It's my new family, my new fellow explorers, and for the first time, my kind of people.

Mary J. Blige "I Am"

Be Still - Chapman