Hi Folks,

I'm pretty happy right now. Don't know why, maybe cus Spring Semester is goooooood. I painted a lightbulb, spent 3 hours in the cold shooting black&white film which was super super fun cus i met cute dogs along the way, had Meyerhoff pizza, and am looking forward to tomorrow morning's omelet. eeeeeee [big cheese]

I also don't know why we're already 2 days from February. I wrote this thing for Critical Inquiry two days ago about how we're always so conscious of time, specifically how fast it goes by because we keep thinking about it (that wasn't particularly the point of my essay, but a pretty essential part of it). If you wish to read it, email me please :)

My social life is improving as well, mostly because I'm more comfortable with myself. I've realized that who I was in the past showed too much of what was inside - which was joy - and scared people off because they probably thought I was expecting something from them, which to a degree I was - to treat me right - but I guess I can leave that bitter memory tucked away somewhere in my mind. I mean, I don't get it. At pre-prom, we were at the pavilion taking pictures, and there was this one time when a mom, after taking our photo, said, "Ok girls, you can relax those smiles now," but why did I have to when my smile came from a genuine happiness inside of me? "Oh, I'm smiling because I'm happy," I said to her, and something switched in her demeanor, like she appreciated what I had said. But anywho, maybe people were just skeptical back then, when my insides were actually on the out. And I do believe that because of their treatment, I was discouraged to show my true feelings anymore for a while... because I suppose I didn't want to seem out of the ordinary. But yes, I keep brushing it off because I don't care anymore about justifying my past, because it's more important to change for the better. And after Urbana, I've been different, most definitely. Conversations seem to last longer, and a 'hi' across the sauce dispensers can lead to a half-hour talk about spirituality, and it's simply amazing how life has a new depth again and everything has a new meaning.

I'd like to talk to you now. Because there's so much we CAN say. And I reserve all judgment and neglect all faults just to hear your story. I'm speaking to YOU, yes, the invisible person I am typing to. Your story is not only of interest to me, but of great value to me. I'd like to get to know you more. And we'll see how things roll from there.

I realize that my posts are frequently from my stream of consciousness, but I do want to inform you that there will be times I will write like a writer instead of write like a speaker. In art school, they actually make you think about those things - how different you write from how you speak, all those deep stuff I'm into, because apparently I'm deep, but I'm not always complex, but not always simple either. It doesn't matter.

[sigh] I'm living my life day-to-day, thinking about the future sometimes, but I'm living at last. I also had an interesting experience at a bar for the first time with Ellice who took me to Red Maple this past Monday. I didn't drink anything (duh), but it was good for me to get out and experience a snippet of say what someone else would do more frequently than me. Actually, I oftentimes think that God puts me through so many seemingly unnecessary trouble, circumstances, or experiences, but He allowed me to see that I go through those experiences sometimes just for the sake of understanding and relating to other people I'd meet down the road in my life. And maybe I could lend a hand or comfort them in understanding what they're going through. So trials, pain, and suffering aren't always for the self and for self-transformation; in many areas in life, those experiences can be tools for understanding, and hopefully wisdom.

I've thought it through... maybe God allowed me to experience love as well so I could love others. This might seem shallow, but I don't think I've ever related to love songs (even on the radio) until now. Some lyrics are actually graspable and totally understandable. I used to think, "whyyy the heeeck are people always singing love songs on the radio!" From Jennifer Hudson to Taylor Swift. Man, it's like once you've got it, they've got you.

Neways, I'm hoping this cold weather will pass by soon so the sunny and warm days will come :) I like breadsticks and bread in general. And Frosted Flakes is no longer my favorite... I'm a Special K fan and sometimes a Coa Coa Puff fan depending on the day. I'm also in uber need of chinese food as well (thank goodness I've been sustaining on rice a couple nights), but I plan to go to Hibachi sometime in the very near future, and I also plan to go to that really really good Korean Restaurant on Maryland St. (I think) with Kathy or someone :] yay for asian food!

Who knew that my efforts in responding to a scholarship essay prompt would lead me to call my father who would then explain everything to me...

Ok, so there are a lot of times when I want to give up. But I'll keep trying for whatever it's worth.

So I'll be honest. I think we're all kinda jaded by how we were raised as kids.

Spectacular Spring Semester

Once again, I delve into deep reflection of how my life has been. You should know how God's been working in my life!

Spring Semester, Second Semester has a spectacular kick-off. I've attended all classes but one (Basic Photography which was supposed to be this past Monday which was Martin Luther Day). Maybe I should start with when I arrived on campus... and what feelings hit me.

It was a pleasant ride from Penn Station in NYC to Baltimore on the MVP bus. I felt a bit queezy inside upon seeing the Gateway building over the bridge while riding past it. Here I was, back at MICA inevitably thinking about how soon I'd be starting classes the next day - launching into them actually. It was frightening how winter break flew by... like "that" [she snaps].

I got off the bus with my other MICA New York friend, named April, and lugging our suitcase down the dark, orange streets of Baltimore, I called the Shuttle bus to transport us to the Commons (our dorm). It was a different feeling on the MICA Shuttle. My queeziness had gone away and had been replaced by a sort of curious excitement. We arrived at the entrance to the Commons and I literally said, "Oh my gosh. I remember this place." But the Commons building wasn't quite the same either. It looked familiar and surprisingly a bit homey, kinda like a smack of nostalgia right in my face, but there was a peculiar freshness on the campus - like even though I had a history with these buildings, it's all underneath me and I'm starting anew again. "Pilot," like the very first episode to a new t.v. show.

I realize there was a change in me that day. Getting on the bus and on the shuttle, I made conversation with April and the bus driver and I'd never felt freer in loving them and not having to act out love like I had to prove something. I felt like myself and my conversations were genuine, not forced or imposed as if I had taken a personality-enhanced drug before getting on. No, I was myself. And that alone changed everything about how I viewed MICA again. And I could easily point my reasoning towards Urbana and how God worked through that convention to set my heart and mind straight.

My room - oh the appearance of it. NO ONE MOVED IN! I completely expected to have a roommate this year (due to transfers), but the navy blue springy mattress was still naked on the bed frame! Alone again?? No, as my mother pointed out to me in the car, God blessed me with privacy and a spacious dorm room when I could have lived uncomfortably in tight quarters, considering I had this monstrous drafting table in the middle of the room and countless Art stuff accumulating under the bed and in-between the wall and closet - from canvases, to portfolios, to scrolls, to art bins, to drawing boards and all the art supplies in-between. I'm supposed to be living with a roommate (cus it's a double), but God gave me a single, with the size of a double, but without the extra cost... He's amazing. Not because He made Rachel Verity homesick and drove her out of MICA, but because He wants me to be alone so that I could spend precious time with him. And He does it again, second semester.

There seems to have been a paradigm shift that occurred sometime between Urbana and now because I don't view my room the same either. I wrote in my earlier post that I dreaded going back to my dorm room because I was afraid that It'd bring back dusty old habits of closing myself in again. But it didn't happen this time, and I know it won't happen again (I'm sure of it). Why? Well I think it's because my life looks outwards now. It doesn't seek to satisfy personal needs, but it seeks to spend time with others, and that leaves me detached with everything in my room. Anything in my room I can dispose of, but relationships now seem to carry the better half of my value system.

Neither do I dread homework or heavy projects. They seem like fun and thought-provoking undertakings and it gets me excited. Neither do I consume myself in my work. There's a difference between engrossing oneself in one's work and concentrating on one's work. Like the creation of Frankenstein, the man was mad and he engrossed himself in collecting human body parts dug up from the grave in vision of creating a monster. I suppose concentrating on one's work would mean that the man could easily drop everything and abort the project at any time. It doesn't mean that I have not drive or passion to do well. Of course school is a priority, it's essentially my occupation [wobbles head], but in hindsight, relationships (something I thought I was capable of sacrificing first semester in order to do well), have become something big in my life as well. I used to put relationships on the back burner and pick them back up whenever I could. But now, relationships envelop my work and I don't even try - I seek, I desire to form new relationships with people and to keep them and to make them genuine and profound and authentic. My room? It's now just a place where I work and where I sleep. It's not a haven, it's not my home away from home. Because I find that home is where God is, and God thrives in the bonds that I make with other people - bonds that I don't abuse to keep me sustained as a person, but bonds that are formed with loving and outward intention.

Everyone seemed lethargic the first day of class... but I wasn't! I felt alive and awake and I felt OUTWARD, not in any "burst of energy" way, but in a resolute and excited way. All the classes that followed day after day seemed so fresh and I felt so renewed. A total of five classes and I'm thirsty for more. I can't wait for painting class to unravel because not only do I love working with paint, but I seem confident now that I took the seminar on "the Spiritual Foundation for the Artist" at Urbana (which taught me that I should paint with truth and that my work should breathe life into the viewer), now that I know that God can inspire and instill visions in me, and now that I can actually focus with intellect and creativity (like I once had at RISD Pre-college and unlike first semester where every work I created seemed flat and blunt because I was too distracted to get anywhere near complex thinking and fabricating images in my head). Despite, Spring Semester looks very promising. New (and more female) teachers, new guidelines, new materials, new friends :) , new classmates, new perspective, new attitude, new dimensions, new life, new world, new.

The E, A, B, C#, F#, and G# chords on the guitar are my favorite chords to play! I get excited when I flip to a song sheet that is composed in that chord. I've realized, having a handy-dandy guitar at hand, that when I worship God in song, I don't seek to find a song that has already been written by another heart. Instead, I start with the E chord and I sing whatever's on my heart, and half-way through I realize that the lyrics that I'm singing can easily be published and used by other Christians. But I, too, recently realized that the worst thing I, as a Christian and on a personal basis, could do is not to use God's name in vein (no), but to use His name and take all the glory for my own. I guess that's where humility needs to be worked in.

Ok, i'm all left out of words to say. Actually not, because there's a personal problem at hand, but it'll probably be another story for in the near or far future - we'll see. I was also thinking that because Spring Semester has kicked-off on a good note and I'm feeling aligned with God, that people actually have been praying for me (in the broad or specific prayer - no wait, I remember now that Pastor Grace prayed for me last Friday), and I'd like to thank you (them) for doing so. It encourages me to know that God is working through so many people all at the same time (there's a word for that! but I can't remember what it is... ah! omnipresent? anyways..). I'm truly thankful that I'm living in a new light. I'm truly thankful that I long to shed light in other people's lives as well.

No animosity towards long or mid-ranged hair lengths, but I think I'm a short-above-the-shoulder kinda person. I've been debating a lot recently about whether I should cut my hair short again, and I think I've arrived to the conclusion that I should because my personality calls for it.

I think oftentimes people think image comes before person. But I'm proud to say that over the years, I've been trying to discover myself so that what I wear matches who I am, and not the other way around. I feel bad for people are are stuck in the latter. In a book called, Art & Soul, Hilary Brand and Adrienne Chaplin describe it this way: "We may not all be playing the identity game as deliberately as the material girl, but in a society as self-aware and image-conscious as our own, the question shifts easily from 'Who am I?' to 'What image shall I adopt today?' Instead of maturing unselfconsciously, rooted in a family and community that knows and accepts us as we are, we have unprecedented freedom to choose how we would like to be seen - freedom that can also be a burden. We have to keep up the image, to play out the role we've set ourselves, to work at it at all costs. And even though we may convince others, the problem is that we may not convince ourselves. We are in danger, not of creating an identity, but losing one." I was blown away by how articulate that explanation was about today's society. No doubt, I've been through these pipes of trying to figure out what my identity is in the commercial world, strutting through the mall and trying to figure out which mannequin in the display window I am. But I never reach a consensus because each outfit is too cookie-cutter on a girl. It didn't dawn upon me until I attended RISD Pre-College, somehow in the midst of art students who naturally break down the barriers of society, that I didn't have to choose any of the mannequins in the display window. I realized that each person is unique in themselves and fashion, clothing as a matter, was just another medium in expressing that self to the world! Big kudos to those art classmates who opened up a world of self-expression and not culture-impositions.

There's definitely a lot more to say about fashion. In high school, I always thought that I dressed down, you know in casual sweatshirts and jeans, because a part of me didn't want to attract attention and a part of me wanted to remain humble. And this could easily go into the "don't be afraid to be a woman" conversation, but that's why "Captivating" was written. Now that I look back at my high school years, I realize that my generic way of dressing was merely my state of neutrality in the midst of searching for a personal voice. It didn't mean that I didn't know my morals or values. In fact, it proved that I wanted to stay true to myself.

Today, I've found my voice at MICA and after actually reading "Captivating," I've somewhat uncovered the feminine side of me. Not to mention, after facing my past and re-examining my childhood, my personality has resurfaced for the better. This whole process of God peeling away at me after years of burying myself in poisonous thoughts and soils of lies is quite a human experience. I imagine myself to be a blossoming (pink) rose bud, God being my sunlight and water. It's a beautiful sight, but God's still working on my wounds, still mending and healing me as a whole. I guess it's to say that nothing's as glorious as restoration.

Somewhere along the lines of inward-out expression, comes along my friend at MICA, Yuris, who's been waiting for me to articulate my reasoning behind me not putting make-up on until now. I've been dollified a few times in the past for weddings, be me a flower girl or a bridesmaid, but wearing make-up on a day-to-day basis? I thought you had to reach a certain age for that... not to mention wearing nail-polish or getting one's ear's pierced - every parent has an age threshold for those kinds of things. But I took my time - until I was comfortable with the idea that make-up enhanced someone's features, not cover them up. I said to Yuris that me wearing make-up was a sort of statement. I couldn't explain it to her at the time, but I'll try to now. Make-up should be something we girls can all live without. That, first, must be confirmed - It is not a necessity. What I mean by "statement" is my readiness to unveil a side of me that will inevitably bring attention. I am ready to be vulnerable with my womanhood and vulnerability comprising of a presupposition that it is possible for me to get hurt. I've mentally prepared myself for that. But I don't require make-up to state my readiness. That's important to remember. So it's not about attraction, but it's about a bold statement about my womanhood. Better be straight with that.

So I'm a conglomeration of a lot of things. My character is a mesh of a whole lot of Christianity and spunk and sometimes even craziness. And that's okay. God loves me for who I am, not exactly everything that I do which He seeks to correct, but He's my lover and there's no doubt He's romanced me a lot at MICA with the stars and with Coa-coa Puffs. He's awesome that way!

Haha, so I guess my shfele ends here. A kind of breathless, heart-pounding, proposition that I, Stephanie Har, have penetrated fashion and will boldly make my way to womanhood. Fearless and God-strong. Not to mention.. quuuite excited!

BTW TSA: GO INTO MODELING>>>

It turns out time is irreversible, and so are people. People just soak it in, what they hear I mean, and what they see. And all they experience sums to who they are as a person. And for some of us lucky ones, we can second-guess our environment and choose between the paths of reality or illusion. For me, I'm still deciding, even though the answer's clear.

So what is at the core of us? With a moment's thought, I come up with Fear. And with another moment, a sense of being lost. But let's not dig too deep shall we before we entangle ourselves in the complexities of what we call life. Let's look at things pragmatically. Life is good when it's balanced. We'd like to balance our diet, we'd like to balance our work and social life, we'd like to balance a lot of other things. Balance is so definitive, yet immeasurable in one's life. So we set out for a word that is unquestionably unachievable yet use it in context in hope that we'd be near to its absoluteness. How interesting.

In the same way, do we look for absolution in other people? It's hard to imagine that a life without mirrors and reflections in pools of liquid would amount to unconsciousness and a loss of certainty. Imagine a life that only has its peripheral vision and senses, and about and walking are three dimensional figures of the same species staring into that very soul, the soul questioning whether it is alone in that body or another three dimensional figure walking past other souls. All of a sudden, we think the world revolves around me, that soul, not a figure, a soul.

I don't know where I'm going with this. But it's nice to explore my thoughts and intrigue in perspectives. They say a new outlook brings forth a new attitude, and a new attitude can change the world (I made the second half up). But I think it's true... that verging on human expressions alone can bring recognition, much recognition to the reality of souls in this world, and not just three dimensional figures or a presentation of images. But souls.

That kind of recognition can come along fine. But remaining sensitive to the reality is easier to forget than the moment a candle flame is blown out.

So how are we to remain intact with reality? How are we even to decipher the difference? In a culture where fun and pleasure have become addicting (due to the "core" of us which I earlier neglected to go far into), how could reality not seem as extreme and harsh? We've made it that way! Unfortunately... "reality," even saying the word, rings with a bite to our eyes and a kick in the stomach. It's not Reality's fault, it's our own sense of imbalance, a sort of standard we keep to ourselves.

And it is during those times of clashing standards that souls are pulled out of their human shell and kind of banged together until one of them meshes with the other.

This could easily venture into the topic of conformity, but then again, I'm brushing thoughts of silver off my shoulders as I type.

So where does that leave us, a soul recognized or unrecognized drifting in a sea of imbalanced people predestined to clashing standards, a boil of confusion, a mix of uncertainty, and a riot towards one end of the field. That's where we leave off.

Pouring out my Thoughts - random or relevant here it goes...

So as I sit here with the Urbana2009 Worship track playing right now, I can't help but wonder how second semester at MICA will be different.. how I'll treat it differently. A part of me is excited to start classes and meet new people and paint! Another part of me feels disappointed that I'm going back to the same dorm room to live with the same people because I'm afraid of what dirty and dusty feelings might come back to me. I know for a fact that this will be one of my struggles when I go back to school - dealing with my memories there and trying to override them with all that I've learned at Urbana and from my brothers and sisters. That addressed, I'm going to try to explain the feeling I have right now about my life as a whole.

I feel like I have Jesus/God at the core of my being. I actually know this because I've been through enough to fully put my trust in Him. But besides the core, it only seems to fade out from there. As much as I know I need God as my spiritual food, I can NEVER get myself to read the bible, less with praying. It's not that I don't want to, but it seems uninteresting compared to all the other things I could be doing (ehem, like blogging). Already, I can see that Satan must be behind all this, trying to drag me away from getting to know God on a much deeper level and continuing to dwell in His presence. I guess I can't protect myself from Satan because the thing I actually need to protect myself with is what he's trying to drag me away from T.T So I feel like unless I study the Bible together with someone else, I can't begin to read the Bible on my own.

This reminds me of college again. I don't belong to a Christian fellowship on campus (there's supposedly Koinonia, but I'm already bitter towards Koinonia for being some kind of secret society on campus considering it's not even advertised anywhere on campus and remains an underground fellowship), but I still go to a small church slash gallery called, the Light. It's nice going every Sunday, and having a 7 o'clock woman's group every Sunday night to study a devotional book, but truthfully it's not enough. There's not enough substance and a true dissection of the Scriptures that makes the woman's group feel profound and genuine. I want to start a bible study with a group of my Christian friends, but so much has already happened, a lot of scarring thoughts and feelings have already taken place, that I'm hesitant in initiating something I'm not confident will last long. I'm afraid of making excuses, or afraid of other people making excuses, and I somehow doubt my leadership in matters like these and it gets me frustrated because I know I need a support group on campus I know I can put my trust in. I'm really hoping that God will move me to start stepping up and taking initiative in voicing out my thoughts. I know what happened to me first semester is something I definitely don't want to go through again considering I sought out people from ocm on gchat all the time instead of confiding in the people who were physically there on campus at the time. Yes, I wanted to make the commitment to keep in touch with my ocmers, but I became too reliant on them to feed my social appetite and in some ways became a hinderance in my further development in relationships on campus. This was notably brought up by my brother on a phone call one night and I realized that I needed to be more active on campus and get to know more people.

Especially after Urbana and today's talk about why it's important to make friends with more non-Christians (or to have a balance of both non-Christian and Christian friends), I really do intend to talk to people I would have otherwise avoided talking to my first semester. And granted first semester being first semester and all, I guess I had to take it slow my first few steps into college. But now that second semester is well on its way, I have no more excuses as to why I should be a hermit ... unless I'm dearfully in need of time to work on a project. I mean, isn't that what sucks about art school, having to labor on a project (enjoying it or not) for an extended period of time (weeks upon weeks) until the deadline instead of studying for a test and getting it over with? And I'm talking about every hour of our waking body laboring over multiple projects assigned in class that require our walking all over campus to get art supplies and grab a meal and physically putting the artwork together. I guess there's liberty in that to a degree, but living the life of an artist is what I'm getting into and if I have to be one, I better start learning how to manage myself much more efficiently. And that includes integrating meaningful relationship with classmates on campus, keeping up with their lives, while doing a fantastic job in class. Oh boy, I better get all the rest I can while my winter break lasts.

It's tough, no one said it'd be easy (only those who've already done what you haven't already - heh). But I am asking whoever is reading this post right now to pray for me. Pray that I wouldn't grow weary. Pray that I wouldn't succumb to the temptation of not caring anymore and leaving things be. Pray that God would give me the physical strength to persevere through sleepless nights, to focus on my schoolwork while still putting God first. And pray that He'd use me to bring Him all the glory and that I'd find my spiritual food in praying, listening, and reading the Scriptures.

I love to worship, no doubt about it. It's because worshipping God is the most peaceful and joyous part of my day where I can set all else aside and abide in God's love for me. Thank God for my guitar.

I've stocked up on a lot of staple foods in my luggage at the moment to bring back to Baltimore. They include three bags of strawberry Special-K, one bag of blueberry Special-K, and tons of assorted Natural Valley granola bars.. for on the go! After first semester, I've realized my own capacity to consume numerous boxes of cereal all on my own, which scares me now.. [weird expression]. I've become a cereal monster apparently.

How could I have almost possibly forgotten to mention in this blog the exciting new of finally (finally!) getting a Nikon D3000!!! [squeaks] I have yet to unleash my photography skills peoples. Be on the watch-out. dun dun dun.

Hmm, I can feel this blog coming to a close very soon, but before I leave, I must mention that this past Thursday after going to the dentist office in Briarcliff, my dad forced drove us to 8 Summerland LANEEEEE. There, a rush of nostalgia hit me!!! Walking down Chappaqua Road with my schoolbag on my back and in the humidity of spring; walking down summerland lane in the colder days of fall down to the bus stop; playing basketball on our driveway in the summer; they painted our house back from pink to this greyish-green that actually looked decent but then blended in with all the other grey houses on the block, though jessica's house was still tan and peter's house was painted a strange barn color.. anyways, the two, large, brick-colored flower pots are still on the porch. I miss those columns too. I dare not step into the house (or do I) afraid that once I do, my memories in that house might disappear faster. Oh no, I musn't. Not this time Curiosity, not this time.

So I end my post here, reflecting, gaging the future, and just telling you guys snippets of my life. my Urbana reflection can be found under "Notes" on my facebook if you're interested in reading what I took away from Urbana. I'll be honest and say that Urbana is not as fresh as it once was, but I refuse to cut my wristband (for now) and confirm that "because of" (incorrect grammar, nonetheless, a lazy short-cut) all that my heart can see now through Urbana, it is getting better. Love, love, love. Maybe if I say it enough times, my heart can learn to remain an excellent executer of it.

I ask myself, what's the point of blogging, why waste time filling other people in on my life when I could actually be going to that person's home and spending time with them or doing something that'll actually make a difference in someone's life. I want to get hands on, talk to people's face, care for them, be with them, not talk about my own life and how God's been faithful, cus what if He is, what am I doing in my life right now that shows I'm faithful to Him. I don't want to sit on my butt anymore and enjoy my own life to it's fullest because the piercing reality is that everything in my life is excess and unnecessary.

I stepped into the mall just yesterday and saw racks full of jackets that could easily keep thousands upon thousands of people warm during this winter. I saw bath towels at macy's stuffed into the shelves in an array of organized colors that no one 10 feet tall could possibly reach and buy but for the sake of presentation and attraction were put up 10 feet high; I thought to myself, no one is ever going to buy those towels because they look so neat and prim and because they blend so well with the store wall and because those colorful towels make the shopping experience fuller and more joyous. I, myself, bought a new jacket cus I had store credit for abercrombie, and added in pretty socks and a sweater from aeropostale - oh, the dulling of the brain and the heart. Because I had reasoned with myself that I needed to look reputable in the eyes of others in order to succeed because it wasn't like I was going to drop out of college in order to go into missions right away; I was certain I'd go on missions after college, after I graduated and got a degree. My mom even said after I got a job and found a husband, but really? Can I wait that long to go abroad and get my hand dirty and be with the poor? So I thought to myself again, I'll be here in New York and fervently care for others and when I get back to Baltimore do the same, and also evangelize to more people on campus. This should sustain my eagerness to drop everything I have and just go on missions.

It's been two days, TWO days since Urbana and my eyes are making me dull inside because I have so much to give away. It's not guilt, it's not shame, it's a realization that I've been taking too many things for granted. I have never stepped out of my middle class life until urbana brought it down upon me like a double-edged sword right to my heart - powerful speakers, videos, seminars - urbana was truly eye-opening (and not just eye-opening and an 'ok, i'll go back to sleep now that i'm aware of it', but 'gosh, it's time to turn my life around and start living for others instead of always self-promoting myself as if no one cares or loves me'). Can't YOU see, do you even CARE to see that an ironing board is excess, that Listerine is excess, that picture frames are excess, that hangers are excess, that window curtains are excess, that mirrors are excess, that stuffed animals are excess, that perfumes (colognes) are excess, or that the tv is a luxury, the mattress is a luxury, the toilet (and toilet paper) is a luxury, the stove is a luxury, the chair (especially ones with wheels) is a luxury, the laundry machine is a luxury, spoons and forks are a luxury, the heating/cooling system in my home is a luxury, and even the contacts I'm wearing is a luxury.. oh god, I can go on. Our time is Now. There's no way of knowing if we'll live to get married or have kids or for those of you who are already at this stage in life have grandkids or what-not, so why anticipate when we can all stop living in a consumerist society and start giving back. I mean, how much blood needs to be shed every day while we remain idle and bask ourselves in God's abundant blessings until we actually realize that most of our lives are worked up for the wrong reasons and that by the time we get old, the guilt will be too great that there won't be anything left for us to do but frail over time. We are young, we are able (oh yes we are, more than we know it), so why not now? Why treat death in our family with greater mourn than that of a skeleton child who's suffered ALL his life until his death? Does that not seem WRONG to you? I'm working my way up to being angry at society right now, but I sat in church this Sunday only to realize that the church is just as guilty of this. Yes, maybe we all have our timing in realizing that there's something greater than life, and if that's the case, then EVERYONE should jump on board to Urbana 2012 - young, old, in college, or not. And if it's too much money, maybe listening to these past sermons will help: http://www.vimeo.com/urbana09/videos. Btw, "Money and Power - Oscar Muriu" was one that spoke to me the loudest during urbana '09. But back to church, I found myself sitting in the pews at RCCC really angry at the church for prayers that were all about self-renewel, self-forgiveness, self-you-name-it. It reminds me now of a sermon by Peter Ong during CMC (the theme was "Achtung!" which means "Wake Up!") - he said that life is not always about managing our sins. If it was, we'd get NO WHERE. *tangent/explanation* Because as much as God is capable of changing our hearts and guiding us towards the path of righteousness, we as human beings cannot achieve complete HOLINESS because it'd be like "ahhhh" with the choir angels singing and a halo around our head. The reality is that life will always be a constant struggle with sin, and not necessarily the same ones, but certainly a constant of them. We will always wrestle with our human nature because "nature" implies "written in the codes of our DNA and integrated into every fiber of our being" - nature. IT IS A PART OF US. And blah blah blah we go on to say that THAT is the reason why we need Jesus Christ but that His forgiveness alone doesn't mean we keep sinning and let things slip away. Point is: the church should start praying more boldly about things that are global and not just issues within the church or things that are personal. If I was a newcomer stepping into a church that only prayed about themselves, I'd think, "well, this reinforces the fact that all Christians think they're self-righteous and better than nonbelievers." Wouldn't you? Put yourself in a newcomer's shoes today and especially start thinking about what you can do for others, not as a TASK but as a DEMONSTRATION of God's love for YOU. A speaker at Urbana also said, "Don't say, 'Look at me! Look at me!' Instead say, 'Look at God! Look at God!" Oftentimes, as Christians we think, "If others will look at my life and see how peaceful I am amid all the chaos or simply how blessed I am or how thankful I am or how composed I am amid problems, they'll want to know how I got to this point in my life." Will they? Will they really want to know more about someone who has everything under control? I speak for myself too.

It was my second-to-last night at Urbana and I was sinking into sleep. Just before, I had tried to jot down everything I had learned at Urbana from sermons to seminars into my journal and I did so in numerical order because I felt that bullet notes undermined the importance of these lessons. Now, most of my biggest revelations come when I'm settling down my body and mind. That night, just before REM, I found this to be very true of myself: "Life can easily be a constant juggle between our longing to be intimate with someone and learning to be intimate with God." I often tell myself that I think too much, but sometimes evaluating my life can help me loads. Differentiating this stage in my life, where I'm longing for intimacy, between the physical and the spiritual made it much easier for me to realize my faults or catch myself going for the first rather than the latter. It's VERY easy, as I've learned, to transition between the two, but I intend to be conscious about it every step of the way.

I took a long break just now and I'm returning to this post. So I broke my train of thought helping my mom cook and stuff, but I'm pretty much done with talking about spiritual stuff. At least that's all I have to say about it for now. Other than that, my big food cravings these past few days have been nian gao and buo lo bao. May I also mention that prior to Urbana, I was afraid of death and the pain of death, but so much has been learned that God has allowed me to overcome the fear of death! Now, as a sharing transcribed from my journal as I was descending on an airplane, to my brothers and sisters:

"From St. Louis to New York, may I be the Salt and the Light that brings many to come to know the true Christ in whom alone hope is found. I want to pray for the thousands of brothers and sisters to not be discouraged in our times of weakness but look to God for replenishing our heart, mind, soul, and spirit. 'Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear NO evil for God is with me, His rod and staff comfort me.' Urbana '09... rock. this. world."

Interesting, I looked up that verse to see where it came from (Psalm 23:4) and the NIV states, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." I noticed "I will fear no evil" talks about the future but when I was in the airplane drawing this from memory, I actually wrote "I fear no evil." Wow, the time has really come.