Work-Out

I've been sick these past few days. I still am, with a bottle of water and a pack of saltine crackers by my side. I've never felt this uncivilized and careless before, but I love having not to care and taking care of myself finally. I believe I've worked myself down to being ill, like Frankenstein. I'm taking on 4 studios and two academics and I've never felt this cornered in education. At the same time, I feel like my life is so pourous, I have enough people to keep me afloat so long as I seek them out and share life's troubles and tribulations with them. It's all better because of my parents, my siblings, the random people I meet along the way. It's truly beautiful. As I now stand, I am a little over a week away from fall break and my life with God is much better and more honest and I couldn't be more myself these days. I've loosened up, forshur, but I just seem to drift with time this time, to feel like I'm floating when I walk down the street and people are just a glaze over my eyes. Is this what it means to be open and vulnerable, to just be myself? Well everything's sure gonna fly if it is. And seriously? Why did winter have to butcher fall like that. I didn't even get to enjoy any crunchy leaves yet and everyone's up in scarves and winter coats, believe it or not. The weather's crazy but I can't say my life's not the same. One day, I'm this, the other day, I'm that, and changes are happening so fast I can't even slow down to appreciate anything. Actually, that's false, those moments to appreciate something are always fleeting, but i'll never forget people who treat me with kindness and who love me and take time out of their schedule to see how I'm doing and if I need help. My health these days I feel is plummetting. I feel like i just cut off five to ten years of my life right here, right then, right now. One day, in the middle of the night, I was pierced with the deepest feeling of sadness I had ever felt before. It wasn't just a feeling of being sad, it was like it stabbed-poked me right in the heart or gut. And then it went away. Another night, I was so restless in my sleep because I was so sick that all I could say was to ask God to come back to me, to heal me, and to forgive me. I told him I wasn't mad at him anymore, nor was I bitter towards him. He was all right with me and I wouldn't hold anything against him anymore. I felt waves coming over my body. My nerves seemed to tingle like jellyfish in the water for a few seconds, and I felt restored, I felt like I had some strength back to overcome this sickness. Something tylenol can't overcome. I now feel like i have work to do, to catch up on. It wouldn't be the same if my family was physically here for me. But I'm glad God has given me at least one person I can go to who lives right next door to me. I'm quite thankful for her, and I'll see it as a give and take kind of a thing, where if one day she gets sick, I'll be sure to cook her some soup too and clean up after her mess. And if I get sick, she'll pick up the slack for me too. I keep imagining and I can't wait until I plop myself into the chair of that MVP coach bus to go back to new york. I AM NOT TRANSFERRING. I just want to snuggle in that seat, look out the window, and think about ways I can be all that I can be for my parents. When people said college would be life-transforming, I took it lightly, like they were just exaggerating a big, even though I actually felt inside like entering college felt like I was at the tippy top of the roller coaster and I was going to be in an uncontrollable force just taking me away to things I never before imagined. I'm still on that ride, don't think I'm getting off any time soon. But moments like going home is worth everything to me. What would I do without breaks like this. Sometimes, I still wish I had my 8 Summerland Lane house back in Briarcliff, where memories and places in my home would heal me all on its own just by being there and nothing more. But now it's so hard to find a place of comfort where everything sooths me and says that everything is ok, I'll make it, there's more to look forward to in life. I just hope that when my family moves on that we'll still be together and close at heart, never forgetting the good times we had together. I wish my life weren't as ordinary as others, but honestly, every child who grows up has to face adulthood and we have to be there for each other. It's not reasonable to be reflecting all the time, but I don't want to skip anything and come back to it later. I want life to happen naturally and I want God to lead me. Let things roll, no matter how weird it feels, how strange and foreign it will appear, because I tell myself I'd go to heaven any day to be with God, but that going through life as long as it's fast will also be fine. I just hope I cling on and never lose sight of what's important. Stop being selfish, stop judging, but I have to take care of myself too and life is always unexpected. Ok, let's go.