Days seem like ghost blocks that have passed by me completely. Could I perhaps have overcome a kind of care for the materialistic things of this world? I am surprised at myself. I never thought I would appreciate little kids so much, noticing how precious their lives are.
Maybe it's that innocence isn't lost in an instance, but is slowly lost over time. People say that teenagers have the most passion - that our energy is the most "fired up." I'm starting to believe that our energy is more closely related to 'a hope for the future' kind of a mindset and actually believing in ourselves to achieve a certain goal. This goal grows less and less bright as time passes because the realities, the inner struggles, the expectations seem to press it down. Hope. What do you have hope in? Does Hope imply a form of savior in your life? And if so, from what?
I know that life will always bring new experiences. But now, more than ever, I question my role as a member of humanity. Honestly, I seem to have given up on trying - simply that. I always tried.
How did my school life grow so cold? I wish I stopped going to school because I can never understand how I am automatically insecure in the midst of schoolmates. Honestly, I fear the people in school. If I was anywhere else, at home, at an amusement park with strangers, I would actually feel more safe being myself. Why then is school NOT SAFE. Why do I always fear judgment. How can I feel safe at school? I think this is my biggest dilemma. Send me anywhere else, and I'll be fine. Just not school. I never felt safe there.
Reflecting on what I've been going through much lately, I've been trying to dig in the past and nestle in the warm soil of what my childhood offered. Sadly, I can't find that feeling anymore as often as I'd like to. I'd say that warm feeling is only felt around family. Both sad and scary is the fact that I am growing further apart from my family. The strange thing about transitioning from childhood to adulthood is that you don't know how to respond to the changes. So you'll look to media, what they show on T.V., and you'll look to the older generations in your own family and how they function, and you'll wonder how they ever got through to get to where they are now. For me, I refuse to follow media. I refuse to distance myself from my family members, but sometimes, even they don't comply. What confuses me is the idea that my refusal to distance myself from my family, what does that equate to? Does that mean I am refusing to "grow up?" What does "growing up" mean anyways to you? You might say, well, taking care of yourself and being less reliant on your parents and handling your own responsibilities. I can take that answer. But I believe I can do all that while keeping a close relationship with my family. It's just hard because media, as far as I have observed, has shown teenagers who grow up and want to get as far away as possible from their parents; they want as little to do with them. They want to completely sever themselves and start anew. I find that despicable to a degree and according to circumstance.
So what does it mean to grow up? How do you handle the change? What inside of you stays the same? What do you allow to change? Do you believe you can change? I seem to be stuck in time. It feels problematic, but because I'm so stuck, I can't seem to move or make intentional decisions. I don't have it in me right now. I just don't. And its disheartening to be in this position. At least I'm conscious that I am in the position. I feel like I have the option to jump out and pretend that everything is fine and that I am okay and that I know exactly what I'm doing and where I want to go or what I want to do. Do you know what you want?
But I can't. Who on earth indulges in my state of, reluctantly I say, purposelessness. Am I lazy? I can't be. I just can't find my motivation as to why I should try again. Trying, I am repulsed by that word now.
Honestly, I don't want to try. I can't. Whenever I think about it, my throat sinks into my body like I'm disgusted. For now, I want to leave with this song: Someday
If truly our passions lead us to where we are meant to be and we are fully satisfied and the world's needs in that particular area are met, then why can't I dream? I feel like I've been SO brainwashed by SO many sermons I now have this animosity towards church; secretively. I want to be optimistic again.
That's a start [we'll see].
Dream High
Friday, March 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Closer Than I Thought
When death comes knocking at one's heart, one all of a sudden realizes how petty were the thoughts and attitudes one had towards another person.
I don't blame myself for things that need to be learned naturally. But death is also a call back to reality. Forget infatuations or what I think about other people. I used to put up a really high guard in high school. I would walk down the hall and see other people and I couldn't connect to them. It was probably both, that I wasn't interested in their conversation and I wouldn't know how to bud in anyhow. I shrunk. Being afraid of what other people would think of me was part of the problem. But my biggest problem was being afraid of myself. Not being comfortable with who I was, or who I thought I was. I became afraid of myself because I saw how destructive my behavior could be at home, and I didn't want to hurt anyone else at school. For the most part, I was an angry kid because I felt categorized as the youngest child and my family unknowingly pushed that character further. It was to the point where I was disgusted with myself because I felt ugly and wild and uncontrollable. I felt like a reckless being, unconcerned about how other's might feel in pursuit of justifying my own being; I wanted to be heard, but I couldn't. I was stuck in a vicious cycle.
I ended up shutting myself completely down in school. I was keeping the plug on, so to speak. For the time being, I would simply focus on my academics and strive to be an admired student. Throughout the whole journey, however, God was secretly by my side, and that's why going to church every Sunday and worshipping God, in hindsight, was my progress in becoming who I was meant to be, all junk scruffed aside. Worshipping God gave me joy and it refreshed my soul, and that's where I found my true identity - as a child of God. So throughout my entire high school experience, I was a reticent kid, because I didn't want to speak until I was comfortable with who I was. And going to church and fellowshipping with my family in Christ cleansed all the negative thoughts I held against myself in return for love by God.
Going to college really led me to find my own voice. I would strongly like to think that going to an art college even more encouraged me to find myself and be confident in that person. I am, to this day, trying to reaffirm myself of this person. But today, specifically, I realized, because of a death of a high school classmate who really sincerely reached out to me and who was a genuine person, that in the process of learning how to become more myself, I can't close people off. I remember hearing somewhere, that we can't get to know Jesus or God or the Holy Spirit for everything that He is just by secluding ourselves. Yes, that time alone one has with God is valuable and intimate and it grows the relationship, but to see or know the Trinity in its fullness is to open up to the community and see that God is a little bit in everyone. Same with discovering ourselves. I can spend alone time with myself, reflect, think things over, but I won't truly know myself unless I gain the courage to engage in the community. Then will I see a fuller picture of myself.
This death has caused me to realize that a person's sincerity does touch a person's life. In whatever we do, we can't hold back love. The thought that love can be reserved to only a select few in our lives should be casted out the window. I think that if we even try to love and give more, we'll be happier and it will manifest itself for the better. So at this moment, I am really touched by the loss of someone who tried to reach out to me even when my guard was way up in high school. Because I still feel the effects of his sincerity even after his death, I am now even more motivated to stop thinking so much and simply let go with all the kindness and warmth I can give to other people. This also tells me that when one person dies, his livelihood gives so much more potency to the lives of those he has invested in. If we had the smallest interaction, and yet here I am acknowledging that something inside of me has changed, then imagine how much more lives he's impacted with those he's been closer with and shared his heart with. It blows my mind how transformative death is because I think it brings even to greater light, LIFE, and what we can do with it.
So with all this being said, I hope you too can be willing to lay down your judgment of the world for a day in order to love it more. And instead of thinking or strategizing, to simply let go and act on your good intent and show people that you really care, because I know so many people do deep down but it really seldom gets noticed. So please, remember how precious time is and how living is a gift from God. May He continue to walk us through life.
I don't blame myself for things that need to be learned naturally. But death is also a call back to reality. Forget infatuations or what I think about other people. I used to put up a really high guard in high school. I would walk down the hall and see other people and I couldn't connect to them. It was probably both, that I wasn't interested in their conversation and I wouldn't know how to bud in anyhow. I shrunk. Being afraid of what other people would think of me was part of the problem. But my biggest problem was being afraid of myself. Not being comfortable with who I was, or who I thought I was. I became afraid of myself because I saw how destructive my behavior could be at home, and I didn't want to hurt anyone else at school. For the most part, I was an angry kid because I felt categorized as the youngest child and my family unknowingly pushed that character further. It was to the point where I was disgusted with myself because I felt ugly and wild and uncontrollable. I felt like a reckless being, unconcerned about how other's might feel in pursuit of justifying my own being; I wanted to be heard, but I couldn't. I was stuck in a vicious cycle.
I ended up shutting myself completely down in school. I was keeping the plug on, so to speak. For the time being, I would simply focus on my academics and strive to be an admired student. Throughout the whole journey, however, God was secretly by my side, and that's why going to church every Sunday and worshipping God, in hindsight, was my progress in becoming who I was meant to be, all junk scruffed aside. Worshipping God gave me joy and it refreshed my soul, and that's where I found my true identity - as a child of God. So throughout my entire high school experience, I was a reticent kid, because I didn't want to speak until I was comfortable with who I was. And going to church and fellowshipping with my family in Christ cleansed all the negative thoughts I held against myself in return for love by God.
Going to college really led me to find my own voice. I would strongly like to think that going to an art college even more encouraged me to find myself and be confident in that person. I am, to this day, trying to reaffirm myself of this person. But today, specifically, I realized, because of a death of a high school classmate who really sincerely reached out to me and who was a genuine person, that in the process of learning how to become more myself, I can't close people off. I remember hearing somewhere, that we can't get to know Jesus or God or the Holy Spirit for everything that He is just by secluding ourselves. Yes, that time alone one has with God is valuable and intimate and it grows the relationship, but to see or know the Trinity in its fullness is to open up to the community and see that God is a little bit in everyone. Same with discovering ourselves. I can spend alone time with myself, reflect, think things over, but I won't truly know myself unless I gain the courage to engage in the community. Then will I see a fuller picture of myself.
This death has caused me to realize that a person's sincerity does touch a person's life. In whatever we do, we can't hold back love. The thought that love can be reserved to only a select few in our lives should be casted out the window. I think that if we even try to love and give more, we'll be happier and it will manifest itself for the better. So at this moment, I am really touched by the loss of someone who tried to reach out to me even when my guard was way up in high school. Because I still feel the effects of his sincerity even after his death, I am now even more motivated to stop thinking so much and simply let go with all the kindness and warmth I can give to other people. This also tells me that when one person dies, his livelihood gives so much more potency to the lives of those he has invested in. If we had the smallest interaction, and yet here I am acknowledging that something inside of me has changed, then imagine how much more lives he's impacted with those he's been closer with and shared his heart with. It blows my mind how transformative death is because I think it brings even to greater light, LIFE, and what we can do with it.
So with all this being said, I hope you too can be willing to lay down your judgment of the world for a day in order to love it more. And instead of thinking or strategizing, to simply let go and act on your good intent and show people that you really care, because I know so many people do deep down but it really seldom gets noticed. So please, remember how precious time is and how living is a gift from God. May He continue to walk us through life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)