Looking Back at a Fallen Sand Castle

I want to start on a clean slate. I feel as though I've taken a long swerve about the main road. It's not that these past years have amount to nothing. They just led to a point where I realized that I was living with the wrong attitudes. No judging, more loving out of God's love for me, and the humility that comes with it. Knowledge is such a powerful thing. People make it their end to attain as much knowledge as their mind and life can hold. I can clearly see now where and when I took this route of making knowledge and understanding an end instead of a means. The Bible would definitely say it's striving after wind, which I can see why it would. Striving after knowledge and understanding is not living at all. Living is being yourself and having faith in God. It's spending time with the most important people in your life and being free to express yourself in front of them, without fear, but with caution. I'm getting it now, which seems ridiculous. That such simple lessons in life can be so hard to put to practice. That it would take so long to come to its realization on one's own. But in this sinful world, those kinds of roads are taken all the time.

I feel strange in myself. I feel as though for so long, I've lost my way, and yet I've come out of it much more affirmed that the way I took should not be one in which I should return to - leading by knowledge instead of faith. The path itself was probably necessary in order for God to teach me this lesson, but I should definitely steer clear of what I do (or hopefully did) often, which is over-think things.

I mean, for so long, I've been struggling a lot with self-hate, self-doubt, self-pity. It's a lot of degrading and killing of confidence. But it's something I need to deal with.

For now, I want to see where God leads me. I'm actually quite uncertain about more than 80% of my current state right now (not even life - state, meaning present moment state). It's leaving me feeling pretty anxious, stressed, pressured, and again, I want to hate myself for it because I don't know what I want <--

Basically, I've been totally deconstructed, and I'm in total shattered pieces inside however put together in a single image which is my flesh. It's surprising to me that I had built a sand-castle, not even something on sand or rock, but a sand-castle itself. And I suppose I saw it slowly melt with rain in college.

There is no question. Just a big question mark right now, which I find quite exciting. I suppose mainly because God loves me and won't let me down. From here on out, it's just a matter of who's making the calls.

That's it for now. I am looking forward to tecbc, which will be fun as well as (I can feel it already) - rewarding. I'm sure I'll learn just as much as or more than the teens that'll be there. Gotta keep prayin'.

A Reflection and Closing of Sophomore Year

I began enthusiastic about Sophomore year. I had interesting classes my first semester, including Michael Sizer's Creativity & Genius, and the warm class of Video I with Nadia Hironaka. Those were the highlight classes of semester one. Second semester as a Sophomore was more local thinking, in terms of growing more as a person. This second semester, I took probably the most meaningful classes I have ever taken, including Humanistic Studies and Modern Political Theory. First semester, I worked my butt off for six classes, four were studios, two were academic. This semester, I decided to take it easier on myself, so I decided on five classes, three studios and two academics. Although I had a sluggish start second semester, in terms of getting myself to concentrate on my work, my mind this entire sophomore year has been churning, churning, and churning.
I left Freshman year only with one episode of second-guessing my school choice and choice of major during spring break, in which I actively acted upon looking for other alternatives. This sophomore year, I faced two more episodes of doubt - one in which I missed fine art so much that I thought I was meant to major in Illustration or Painting. The second episode came nearer to the end of my second semester as a sophomore - I actually considered transferring to Rutgers which was closer to home, but I couldn't imagine myself studying anything else other than graphic design (and once in a while painting). And only MICA was fit for this course of study. After praying and keeping my eyes and ears peeled for signs, I believe God wants me to stay here.
The funny thing about that is that I felt a huge sense of relief and happiness when my parents actually suggested transferring to Rutgers. But I don't believe it was a sense of desire to move because MICA was not "fit" for me, but rather it was a sense of having an escape. An escape from all the liberal-ness that is MICA and all the deconstruction that is art college. In my head, I was rather thinking how MICA is really slowly cultivating my body, mind, and soul to handle more real-life problems that come with a much more diverse group of students and a more free and radical way of thinking and expressing. I think that this kind of environment would be challenging, but I guess after the signs and praying and finally getting to make myself believe that there is good in me and that I am not as bad of a person as I think I am, I am really attracted to MICA in the sense that it Is a challenge that I am willing to take. So far, MICA has been raw and true, bringing out the raw and true side of me. At a liberal arts college or at another secular university, I doubt I would get this far in terms of my personal journey with myself. MICA is an environment where I am forced to think critically as well as intelligently about my viewpoints on this world. I will never know how I develop at another institution, but MICA is a keeper.
This year, I've thought about numerous things as well as been better informed about issues I should and everyone should be aware of. I was introduced to conspiracy theory, looked more critically at the top corporations in america, and had productive discussions about prisons in America, America as a falling empire, guns rights, abortion, the death penalty, and much more.
During my first sophomore semester, I felt somewhat displaced in time by being so aware of time and death and the pending of life. However, with prayer and support, I am definitely more in the groove of life now. I am still conscious, of course, but I am not dreading anything and I have come to accept the beauty of mortality. I am always reminded of how fortunate I am.
You know, I always thought that even though I am a Sophomore in college, I see myself realizing things about myself and about this world two to four years after my peers have realized these things. My physical body may be a part of the community in my age group, but there were definitive moments when I came to a realization that made me understand a behavior or mindset of my peers from three years back. So I'm not up to date with people my age, but what can I say, we all grow up differently and at different paces at that. There are things they don't know, that I know, and vise versa. I'm not that bad of a person actually. I admit I still feel and sense a gap in my life when I led Cana at OCM. I was definitely not prepared to be a leader and I was really burdened by my duties. But I guess in general, I still have a bit of an extreme side to me, so it's not surprising that I would be able to become serious very fast. Call it discipline or whatever you want, but I was very conscious, VERY conscious. I always am for some reason which is why it's so hard for me to try to be ignorant and why I've become sensitive to other people in a good way because I get to develop my skills in manipulation, hahahahaha.
but really, psychoanalyzing myself has allowed me to understand how I got here and it's been a good method in also self-improving, in becoming a better person.
i've met quite a lot of people here ate MICA, also who say they've grown up Catholic, but they are clearly not Christians anymore. It's unfortunate that they have fallen away and are unwilling or don't know the truth to get back. Or that even if they believe in "a" god, that they still do not pursue holiness or righteousness which is so important to be in communion with God, essential actually. Throughout this whole year, and what I've realized through working in graphic design and photography is that I am at constant battle with myself - on one hand, I have God talking to me or I have values that I want to manifest, but on the other hand, I have my conscience that always conflicts with it telling me to follow my instincts, to do what I like or what interests me, but I always end up wondering whether what I like or what interests me is the same as what God wants me to do or to manifest. Therein, I struggle with my art and design work : ( and it gets frustrating because I'm sitting in front of a computer most of the time my head is debating with my spirit so my thighs get fat and my eyes go more blind while I'm at it.

that's my recent struggle, with graphic design and art itself. On the same note, I discovered a book called, "How to Be a Graphic Designer Without Losing Your Soul." I literally read the first two or three pages and was completely enlightened. I don't have to do mindless work! in advertising, at least. We're more than robots. Design is so important in today's world, bringing beauty but also efficiency to people. And there IS a way of expressing through design that does not compromise its integrity. I just have to continue to work at it. That is why I'm here at MICA. To keep working at graphic design until I figure out how to handle the tools and translate my ideas and thoughts into a visual.

With all that's been said, I want to say that this summer, I will be doing an internship at the Devito Group, an advertising agency in Manhattan, as well as volunteering as a bible study leader at TECBC. It's been a long time since I've served the body of Christ, or serve anybody at all. In fact, I was, and I think I still am, interested in literally serving people food at a diner or restaurant. I always imagine myself perfect for the job. I want to be a waitress for a part-time job in order to get a low-profile work experience. I would be good waitressing to people, I would think.

What else, I finished my last class today and so summer is here. But before anything, graduation will be here. Junior year feels like it'll be another profound year. And Senior year will be serious and hopeful and future-gazing. I'm taking my word for it.

Now, time to do laundry and finish packing. Sophomore year has come to a final close and this is Stephanie checking out, and moving on <3

LOVE
STEPHANIE

An amazing gem

you're such a spectacle. an amazing type of  being. kind of miraculously amazing. and i am awestruck by how wonderfully made you are. you are beautiful. you are amazingly wonderful. your mind is so beautiful. you are breathtaking. you are simply a perfect piece. a wonderful art work. you are a gem. an amazing wonderful piece... you are, what words cannot describe you are.

Stop letting me down

what if i'm not meant for this life. what if i'm not supposed to be here.
what if i made the wrong decision? i couldn't have could i have?
i shouldn't be feeling this way, should i? how am i supposed to know if i am supposed to?
why am i not good enough? why. should i move?
should i do it? should i transfer? then do what? do what? what am i going to do? how am i going to do it? how am i supposed to know what i'm supposed to do? why?
i hate life for being such a bummer. all the time. all the time it's disappointing. all the time it's ugly. here at least. i can understand why you would think that. now at least. stop letting me down. stop confusing me. just stop it.