I am honestly excited about sophomore year. It's going to be great despite the work load because I'm finally going to be learning more about what I'm actually going to do for the rest of my career, which is graphic design.
Summer's more than halfway gone and the year 2010 is more than halfway gone! Time really flies, but God will always remain. I know this for sure because I just came out of a very unsure phase in my faith only for God to greet me with grace and love again. Here's more of the story.
It began earlier this Spring. I was sitting at the MVP bus station in Baltimore ready to go back home to New York for Spring break when I decided to take back from God the control He had over my life. I had made an idol out of friendship and I was angry at God for holding out on me. I blamed Him for the pain He allowed in my life as a result of being set apart and being brokenhearted in Him.
I felt casted out from some of my classmates at MICA because my ways were not their ways, neither were their ways my ways. I felt alienated. My closest friendships didn't go deep enough.
At the same time, I held a sense of helplessness. In holding on tightly to my beliefs, I sensed a similar pull at the other end of the string, a defiance against Christianity. Imagine someone else trying to penetrate your own beliefs. For some in MICA, Christianity is as much as defied by them as we, Christians, may defy such a religion as Buddhism. The only difference is that our God is the only one and true, living God. Fed into the discouragement was seeing the world through the eyes of God: millions of people unreached, and aching for them as a result, being utterly brokenhearted with God.
Of course, I was sad. But this made me even more desperate for a community I could both relate and trust. Nevertheless, time passed before bitterness against God sank deep within my heart. I unconsciously began putting my guard up, being suspicious of people I didn't think held the same view or values as I did. Ultimately, it came down to me judging others too harshly and too quickly. I suffered the consequence of being further alienated from my church mates and rejecting the opportunities offered in the church to serve because I began to question my own faith and ended up sitting on the fence about it.
The decision to push God out of the pilot seat came out of anger. In my mind, I asked God two essential questions, "If you are in control of everything, why won't you give me friends who can support me?" "Why did you sadden my heart for your people even though you know I can't reach all of them on my own?" With these questions, I developed an attitude of speculation and inquiry which easily shook my faith and foundation in God.
As weeks passed after I took control of the wheel, out of spiritual hunger and thirst, I continually sought head knowledge, worldly wisdom. I listened more closely to preachers, was more attentive and critical of their message if something they claimed did not seem absolute in my mind. Out of it, however, I also began making the Bible more of a personal item; where a preacher makes a reference instigates me to reaffirm his words by flipping through my own Bible and reading those words for myself. It came out of a kind of skepticism, this method of checking, but it greatly personalized the Bible for me and allowed God to speak truth into me while reading it.
Although my faith was drifting, something inside of me whispered keep going, keep searching. More weeks passed, and I was deathly aware of how far I had roamed from God. For the first time in my walk, I felt as though I had a mind of my own. I could follow through on my questions and not feel trapped in the act of spirituality or blindness. Eventually, my parents picked up on my different behavior. They noticed that I was asking questions and uncertain about a lot of things. Although I can probably come up with more questions, thankfully my dad answered a good majority of them enough to ease me back to God. It was through this interaction that God guided me back to Him.
Amazingly, even though the method was merely a matter of convincing me through the affirmation of each question I asked, the cross that Jesus had to carry to calvary was once again the central point, the illumination of it all. Some people blame God for allowing sin to enter the world, when really all God wanted was to allow humans to be non-robots by giving them a free will. God's love was the origin and He continues to exemplify that through grace, faithfulness, and everything else that reaffirms that He is Good.
I forgot this aspect of God's nature. He is Good. I blamed Him for being bad, for neglecting my needs and desires, but God continues to impress me with his masterful plan in giving me more wisdom and understanding. Now I know that I'm coming up from this obstacle stronger, more convicted, and more praising of God.
I was a rebel, and though I may continue to wrestle with God in the future, I know that no one, not even Satan, can snatch me away from Him. No one can snatch the children of God out of His hands. We are His forever.
I hope that sharing this story has encouraged you in your walk with God, that even though we may rebel against God out of anger or bitterness, He will not only wait for you to return to Him, but also guide you in understanding more about His character - His true and good character.
I am blessed in all areas of my life, and that is why I want to give back. After all this, God has strengthened my faith and will continue to strengthen it. Because of this, I feel like He has prepared me to go on my first missions trip. Whether it be next summer or after I graduate college, I will always be working full-time for Him. I definitely feel like God put me so purposefully in MICA so that I can be a witness on campus and do powerful and fruitful things in other's lives. For this, I am also grateful.
In the coming years I will make an effort to read more of the Bible and build up love through it. May you also be built up in love, and remember that God is always Good.
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