Tell Me

Please, Tell me everything I need to know.
Everything.

Tell me I'm wrong. I know I'm wrong, but where? I want to know. I know you have things to say. I have things to say. I want to tell you, but will you hear me? Will you know me then?

Tell me everything I need to know. I want to know too, where you're going in life, how are you doing it? I want to know.

Tell me I'm wrong. Somewhere inside of me I have gone wrong, I made the wrong decision. I feel it inside, please telp me. Tell and help me.

I need you. I need you to show up. You're not the answer, but I need someone I can trust. Someone on the outside. Please tell me. Tell me this was worth it. Tell me I didn't hide it in vain, that my fear was worth the wait.

Please tell me, tell me everything I need to know. I want to know your lies, your worries, your truths, your desires, your pains, tell me what you want me for. I'm no good anymore. Not to you, unless I do something about it.

I'm not doing anything about it because I hate where I've come. I used to be this, and I still am I think inside, but it's gone outside. It's gone forever. I'm not looking back but everything I know is there. Tell me you can be there for me. Tell me everything I need to know.

Tell me.
Tell me.
Please tell me.

I need to know that you're there too, that you're reading this and telling me what I need to know. You have to tell me everything I need to know. I need to know everything.

Please tell me so it won't be forgotten. Please tell me so that I have something to talk about, so I have something to preserve and savor. Please tell me and I will cherish that inside of me, that part of you, I will never forget, but I'll carry it around with me, even if I don't carry around a purse. You'll be a part of me. So don't hold back and tell me.

Please, I need to know. If you're okay, I know, no one is okay, but we have to try so that life isn't anything below a dull slate, a charter to navigate anywhere but here, not my memory, not anything that I can take myself back to and like dolls we'll be.

Please, I have time. All the time you need, every minute, every second, I can devote to you. I have that time, you have it to tell me to sit here and listen. I will listen, closely, but tell me.

I will be there, you have done so much to love me, so I will be there to listen. Don't be scared. I have time to offer you, but I won't be here forever. It'll pass, too, my time will fade and you will miss me, we'll miss each other, we'll pass right by each other like strangers, and we'll never see each other ever again. You're missing it. You really are.

It's now or too late, It's too late. It's getting late, you should go. I don't want you to tell me anymore. It's too late, and I'm gone. I'm here, but I don't care anymore. I'll let you go as easily as releasing a boat from the dock, set you to sea, and never care again or anymore for the loss was nothing, the loss was never there. The loss was nothing.

It's time to go. It's time to turn around, and turn around, and turn around, and keep turning. You'll never head in a straight direction, you're always swerving off track, like a drunk driver. How could you miss the signs? How did you miss it. How could you?

It's time to go. Your chance is gone, but maybe I have a second one to pull out of my heart to give you. I'll give you a second chance. Try again, maybe I'll let you speak then, again. I'll let you talk, but it'll be quick. Don't apologize. Just talk and see if my compassion goes with it. Can you make me fly with you? I'm sure I have wings. I'll just fly with you if you let me, but we'll see. I'll see if it's okay, if it's safe. It better be safe. It'll be exciting won't it, exhilarating to fly above the landscape and see tiny houses below, with sienna colored roof tops and beaches with neon colored water that fade in and out with white foams that look like shaving cream when you'll shave your mustache in front of my bathroom mirror. You'll make toothbrush marks on my mirror, you will I know.

I'll be your maid and I'll pick up your socks. I'll do the laundry for you. No, I'll buy us a car and then we'll have plenty of arguments in the car and I'll roll down my window for some polluted air to clog my lungs, blasted pollution.

The buzz of the radio will be like a rocket and science and mad men singing or popping with their lips and giving a dirty beat to the song, noise music, like bang bang bang, bong.

I'll get a headache and you'll get sick, okay? I'll find the medicine section at the store and extinguish some of the germs in our house, okay? I'll make the spaghetti tonight and you'll clean the stove, okay? How about I wash the dishes tonight, and you'll clean the table. Go on, I'll do it, I'l make it happen. Every night, I'll wrap up the day, and you won't have said a word, not a murmur, but the one hidden in your deep, confused heart. How sad it will sit there, alone, waiting to come to words that my ears can hear.

Speak. Talk. Let me know what you want me to hear. Tell me everything I need to know. This is communication. And I hope I can articulate well, enough to not mess up, enough to get my point across. Tell me and I won't get mad at you. I won't yell or hold inside bitterness because there's no need for that. It's pointless, it's wreck. We'll talk this over dim sum. Have a cup of tea, eat some chicken feet. Come on, you're keeping me waiting. This is what you're doing to me. You'll never know. That's sad.

How can I tell you that I love you, anyways. Anyways, I'll love you. I don't care. I'll love you. Let the sharks swim in the water, I'll be too scared to jump into the water to risk my own life to save you. Would I be that selfish? I don't know. Let's just hope you're smart enough not to go too far out into the ocean, where the deep sea creatures might snatch you and take you away from me.

What Am I Doing

I'll do anything to get attention, but I hate it too.

This is what you're doing to me. You leave me with my desires, and I want to kill them. Why am I beautiful. I hate your glare, the perverse thoughts you put in my mind, it seeps into my gut and I am sick inside.

You tell me that I'm beautiful, but I hate being beautiful. You made me this way. You killed my beauty, you killed the laughter inside of me. You, strangled me and suffocated my beauty.

I draw on my face. Is that enough to show you how much I despise myself. To show you that I don't care, I don't give a damn about what you think about me, because who are you. I am me, I stick to myself because no one else gives a damn. They just wish they did. I can deform myself, this face, I hate it so much, make this sick desire go away. You hate me, and I love it. Keep it up. I love it.

Go on, tell me that you're sorry, that you like me. I just won't hear you out. I'd hate to disappoint you you know. Come on, let's see what else you have for me. Give it to me. What else are you hiding in your back pocket. Come one, give it to me.

This is it. It's nothing. It's everything and you make it everything, but it's not. Not even. Not at all. Nothing.

You make it such a big deal. It is, but it's crap. It's everything, inside, hiding, disguised, hurting, feeling, hurt.

You make it so. You make me feel inferior. You suck my powers, or is it my fear. You make me scared. Scared to show anything at all. You're dangerous. You really are. And it hurts. So bad.

Am I enough? Can you take that? Can you take me? Everything? Which is nothing? Am I enough? Can you handle this? Really? I don't think so. You'll always want more. You always want more. It's natural, it's always gonna be this way. You're always wanting more, and I don't think I can give it all to you. I have nothing, and yet I have one glimmer of hope that's something so small in a vacuum of abject darkness. Can you take that? Can you make it grow instead? I have it, inside of me. But you're scared too. And you make me scared too. And we all become scared.

But I hate this. I hate this beauty. But I want it. I want you.

That's it. There's nothing more. Can you handle that? Can you still love me for everything and the nothing that I am? I'm sure you can, I hope you can. I hope someone will.

Because it's useless. Why can't I show myself. Why do you have to be so sinful. Why is this world so dangerous. Why am I so scared. Why are you so vain? Why can't you be noble and strong and support me. You can, I know you can. But I haven't found you yet. Can you take me? All that I am, the ugly and the bright? Am I nothing? Am I everything? Am I enough? Am I good enough? I think I am, but then why is everyone telling me a different story? People are tricking me. My mind is in a continuous loop. Please help me. I want to be stable. I want to think, but I hate to be alone. I would hate to deny myself the glory that could be, the beauty that could be, the vanity that could kill me. If only I had will power, the strength, and the courage.

Fear is disgusting. I hate it, so much. It tortures me and I hate that I can't breathe. I hate that it feels like my head is muffled and someone is suffocating me. I hate how I care and then I don't care, but I do care. I hate how people say different things, and it gets me confused, it gets me lost, and I feel sick.

I wander again, in search for answers, in search for truth, in search for someone who I can trust who will lead the way and tell me what is good and what is right and how I can be noble too. How I can behave and have confidence in what I do. Because it gets to me, how people behave and show themselves. I see it, and I get sick inside because I don't know who I am then, and I don't know what I'm living for. And I get scared, and I get timid and I do stupid things.

I'm sorry if this bothers you. How is control a good or bad thing? Can you help me? Can you really be there for me to the end? I am yearning for someone to be there, to love me, and to want to make me the best I can be. I don't know what I want, I hate my chains, the lies he tell. It sickens my whole soul. It crumbles, quakes, and quivers like a spindle of web that is delicate and being bossed around by the wind that is taunting and demeaning and scary and uncontrollable, and it engulfs me, telling me what to do, who am I, I am this. Yes! I am this. Please, please accept this and I will live on. To question, to wander, to nullify, to exactify, to petrify myself with loss and hurt and pain and a never-ending flow of criticism and hurt and judgement and stabs of deathly curiosity and you know it. You know that I will fall, I will crash and burn, but I will grow up again through and through, wearied in the rubble and happy at once but completely sad the next and it will go on and on and on. Can you accept this.

Can you accept the cycle, the continuum, the volcanoes, and the ashes, the burn, the toil, the torment, the tug, the war. Can you accept this.

An Early Christmas

Hey folks!

I am supposing that even in the midst of life's struggles, you are hanging in there and doing your best.

This year has an early Christmas for me. I am already thinking about Christmas lights and wonderful gift wraps and the smell of warm-lit candles and seeing smiles and people with Christmas sweaters on, family gathering together to have a feast! This Christmas of 2010 is a highly anticipated one. I am completely skipping over Halloween (not that I ever even 'celebrated' it) and Thanksgiving, for some odd reason. In fact, I am officially far-sighted. Not physically, not prescription-wise, but conceptually, I am far-sighted - foreal.

Although these past few days I have been easing back into the school mindset (coming back from Fall Break), my mind can stretch so far into the future and I can just rest my eyes in contemplating those images and ideas even though sometimes I would rather not. Things like death, if ever I marry, going to China to work with my aunt who is a missionary to reach out to the people, things like my graduation ceremony, using graphic design as an awesome tool for communicating visually and effectively, ideas to the world.

Nevertheless, my Christmas mood is on, and I'm even skipping over the "excitement" of my birthday (turning 19 will be like turning 17 again. I don't know why these two ages as numbers seem to fall flat. 20 will forshur throw me into some kind of frenzy about how I'm getting old, I know it). Christmas, I was singing "Jingle Bell Rock" in the elevator even before Fall Break began. What is that? It's an anticipation for a joyous Christmas and I know I won't be disappointed.

Life is, surprisingly, not too much of an object of despise after all. It's... actually quite marvelous and something worth celebrating. I can already see landmarks in my life just playing themselves out. It's as if God has placed stepping stones in my life. : )

As for school, I suffered a minor dip in grades for my illness and mis-behavior, but I don't regret it. I'm living in such a way where I consider all that I do worth something, learning from my mistakes, and taking the time to figure things out - it's all worth something.

Nevertheless, Thanksgiving break is still upon us. I have about five days off including traveling days. I don't know how I feel about that. Anyways, I have much work to do right now. I'm in a position where I'm working right up to the deadline, not that it's necessarily bad, but it's pressure-some and I hafta stay on top of the pressure, keep my head high if I want to be the best of the best.

For now, cheers to jolly end of the year as 2010 comes to a quick close. Honestly, I can't recount anything of 2001-2009, it's all a blur.

These past two weeks have been all over the place. I got sick and work just piled up and up and up but I've been tackling them one by one. Unfortunately I have to go back to some work to revise them, but God's been really sustaining me throughout. He's been encouraging me when I get discouraged and He gives me a lot of joy and happiness, more than I've had in a long time. I'm really blessed and grateful for where I am, no matter how many times I say I'm getting fat, cus I am. But to me, getting fat is not a pressure to be skinny, but it tells me that I'm not staying fit and not eating healthy. NEVER BUY COOKIES FROM A STORE OR ANY JUNK FOOD FOR THAT MATTER IF YOU WALK IN HUNGRY CUS YOU'LL END UP BUYING IT AND FEELING GUILTY FOR EATING IT. Sorry, had to use caps. Anyways, God's been faithful and I'm not just saying that because it's his character, but because I've experienced it over and over again, God's amazing grace. It's humbling.

I've been really enjoying myself lately too. I know life moves forward and I get nostalgic, but I've learned to enjoy the moment and present.

An update on classes:
With my Digital Photography I class, I've been getting more comfortable carrying a camera around. I've, of course, also taken a lot of pictures lately. I made my first print today! And it came out nice so I'm very satisfied with that. Check out flickr for my updates ;]

http://www.flickr.com/photos/29884965@N04/

My Video I class is a steady struggle, but I enjoy editing videos and seeing the outcome. So far, I've achieved 2 awesome videos that are cheesy but nonetheless well executed :) haha. My first project was to create a video structured around the alphabet, each shot representing a letter of the alphabet (A-Z). The shots have to be connected in some way, so I based my video around the concept of, well, being in college and separating from my parents (it was September and school was beginning so what can I say, haha).

The second video project was to create a self-portrait. I had the hardest time envisioning this video because there were so many ways I could have done it. Only 5 of the frames could have the human element in it and the rest had to be a shot of something else. I did it! I had strong shots, but my teacher said I needed to start breaking the expected, which is an exciting challenge for me.

In Modernism and After (woo! my first dose of art history!) I recently had to write a critical lens essay comparing two artworks. I submitted the essay and the teacher left a really awesome and encouraging comment I know God set in her heart to say, because today in Digital Photography class I was really discouraged by a critique I read online for my Graphic Design class and I said I was discouraged to my friend (and I guess God heard it too even before it came out of my mouth) and tonight alone, I've received two really encouraging comments - one by my Modernism teacher, and the other by my Typography teacher.

Speaking of Typography I, we're getting into some serious stuff now. I'm so glad the teacher sees me as a "steadfast, and strong student." I am so thankful God has been reassuring me when times get tough. The funnest project we've had so far was coloring in the patterns we made out of a single letter of the alphabet. I created two color renditions of three patterns. I wish I could post them up on flickr, but the colors get screwed up, so maybe one day I'll post my designs on fb.

Hm, Creativity and Genius (a kind of humanities, philosophy class) is my most anticipated class ever. The teacher is amazing. He is a historian, middle-aged, and passionate about what he teaches. We truly have the best discussions in that class. At the beginning of the semester, we spent the entire class getting to know each other's names :P He made us write our name, our hometown, our horoscope, and our favorite thing. Stephanie Har, New York, Sagittarius, being with my family around a meal.
Michael Sizer, is his name. After memorizing all of our names on the first day, I was really encouraged that care was set in some of our hearts.

Recently, we had to write a paper on whether Prometheus and Victor Frankenstein (or the Modern Prometheus) was a hero or an example of hubris. I brainstormed a LOT, and wrote my paper. I said that Prometheus was a hero and Frankenstein was an example of hubris with a redeeming chance. Email me for the paper ;] sehnea129@gmail.com

Graphic Design I class is an unstable class. It's the class where anything can happen to you that week. I've been losing my vigor in this class because although design is such a set thing, style changes. I don't know why but I choose this class to push my artwork and designs. So sometimes my ideas fail because it doesn't fit the "mold," but I try. My first success was creating icons of architecture using a couple of geometric shapes that could be resized. I made an icon out of the Sydney opera house, the Great Wall of China, the Eiffel Tower, Tiennamen Square, and the Empire State building (I'll post these up one day). My second project was to create a layout for a magazine about the evolution of swimwear. I created my swimsuit layout and was 80% pleased after revisions. My third project, and I'm in the revision stages, is to create a poster for the play "A Streetcar Named Desire," by Tenessee Williams. I came up with a pretty solid poster, but it turned out more Shakespeare than Tenessee Williams, which is why I have to (basically) redo a lot of things to make it more down-to-earth. [sigh]

So that's 6 classes this semester and me juggling work day to day. I've gotten (probably) super good at managing time. I actually have 4 functioning schedules: my agenda, my calendar pinned to the wall, post-it notes, and my assignment papers pinned to the same wall as the calendar going in order of most upcoming due assignment.

And at the end of this week's postings are my two tickets to and from NY.

:)

It's getting late, and I have to shower, but I just wanted to update you on my school life and what God has been doing lately, which is encouraging me from time to time. He's given me awesome siblings who are there for me, and super parents who are at home working away and taking care of things. May we continue to listen to his heeds, love Him, and never give up. Good night yall, and peace out.

Work-Out

I've been sick these past few days. I still am, with a bottle of water and a pack of saltine crackers by my side. I've never felt this uncivilized and careless before, but I love having not to care and taking care of myself finally. I believe I've worked myself down to being ill, like Frankenstein. I'm taking on 4 studios and two academics and I've never felt this cornered in education. At the same time, I feel like my life is so pourous, I have enough people to keep me afloat so long as I seek them out and share life's troubles and tribulations with them. It's all better because of my parents, my siblings, the random people I meet along the way. It's truly beautiful. As I now stand, I am a little over a week away from fall break and my life with God is much better and more honest and I couldn't be more myself these days. I've loosened up, forshur, but I just seem to drift with time this time, to feel like I'm floating when I walk down the street and people are just a glaze over my eyes. Is this what it means to be open and vulnerable, to just be myself? Well everything's sure gonna fly if it is. And seriously? Why did winter have to butcher fall like that. I didn't even get to enjoy any crunchy leaves yet and everyone's up in scarves and winter coats, believe it or not. The weather's crazy but I can't say my life's not the same. One day, I'm this, the other day, I'm that, and changes are happening so fast I can't even slow down to appreciate anything. Actually, that's false, those moments to appreciate something are always fleeting, but i'll never forget people who treat me with kindness and who love me and take time out of their schedule to see how I'm doing and if I need help. My health these days I feel is plummetting. I feel like i just cut off five to ten years of my life right here, right then, right now. One day, in the middle of the night, I was pierced with the deepest feeling of sadness I had ever felt before. It wasn't just a feeling of being sad, it was like it stabbed-poked me right in the heart or gut. And then it went away. Another night, I was so restless in my sleep because I was so sick that all I could say was to ask God to come back to me, to heal me, and to forgive me. I told him I wasn't mad at him anymore, nor was I bitter towards him. He was all right with me and I wouldn't hold anything against him anymore. I felt waves coming over my body. My nerves seemed to tingle like jellyfish in the water for a few seconds, and I felt restored, I felt like I had some strength back to overcome this sickness. Something tylenol can't overcome. I now feel like i have work to do, to catch up on. It wouldn't be the same if my family was physically here for me. But I'm glad God has given me at least one person I can go to who lives right next door to me. I'm quite thankful for her, and I'll see it as a give and take kind of a thing, where if one day she gets sick, I'll be sure to cook her some soup too and clean up after her mess. And if I get sick, she'll pick up the slack for me too. I keep imagining and I can't wait until I plop myself into the chair of that MVP coach bus to go back to new york. I AM NOT TRANSFERRING. I just want to snuggle in that seat, look out the window, and think about ways I can be all that I can be for my parents. When people said college would be life-transforming, I took it lightly, like they were just exaggerating a big, even though I actually felt inside like entering college felt like I was at the tippy top of the roller coaster and I was going to be in an uncontrollable force just taking me away to things I never before imagined. I'm still on that ride, don't think I'm getting off any time soon. But moments like going home is worth everything to me. What would I do without breaks like this. Sometimes, I still wish I had my 8 Summerland Lane house back in Briarcliff, where memories and places in my home would heal me all on its own just by being there and nothing more. But now it's so hard to find a place of comfort where everything sooths me and says that everything is ok, I'll make it, there's more to look forward to in life. I just hope that when my family moves on that we'll still be together and close at heart, never forgetting the good times we had together. I wish my life weren't as ordinary as others, but honestly, every child who grows up has to face adulthood and we have to be there for each other. It's not reasonable to be reflecting all the time, but I don't want to skip anything and come back to it later. I want life to happen naturally and I want God to lead me. Let things roll, no matter how weird it feels, how strange and foreign it will appear, because I tell myself I'd go to heaven any day to be with God, but that going through life as long as it's fast will also be fine. I just hope I cling on and never lose sight of what's important. Stop being selfish, stop judging, but I have to take care of myself too and life is always unexpected. Ok, let's go.