How I Feel

I'm holding my breath. But for what?

Maybe I'm not breathing at all.

I am told to dwell on the things that are lovely, the things are that are admirable, but I can't because I'm sad. (Uh-huh)

He says this video is not for the faint-hearted, but the reality is that his heart is full of hatred, and he can't even tell the difference.

He told me to shape together, "perk up, Steph!," but I am not willing to lie to myself because I've learned how important it is to stay true to what's going on inside. If I ignore it, it'll still resurface, and the time in-between would just feel like a complete waste.

Ever heard of the phrase, "If only I knew back then what I know now..?"

You see, I have this urgency to feel effective and transformative. My problem is that I am completely flawed.

(hah!)

1. I am stubborn

2. I will go to such length to repel criticism (and I know psychoanalytically, why), and when I am criticized, I can't help but take it to heart.

3. I am so critical towards others (hoho, you'll see through the tone of my voice later on)

What does that make me? A near helpless being who will struggle in every way her whole, entire, [ugh], life.

By far, I know that I've come a long way in transforming my attitude, and I'm actually proud of myself for following through in my self-realization with God's help of revelation. But by no means will it be enough to stop and settle for something that's not completely pleasing and glorifying to God.

(mhm)

I ... have desires, but it sucks if you're like me, and sometimes you're just "jungwuo," wenzhou for "sick" or "tired," of EVERYTHING that has to do with Christianity - the waiting, the drill of suffering and coming alive, the wash of tutti fruity in people's eyes, the ignorance, AND the passive-polar-aggressiveness in other's eyes. It seriously sucks. Because when you're made to be in community, it's hard to escape it.

I just said in my head, I need time, but fear struck and I asked myself, But how long??

Seriously, Seriously? It can't be years. IT CAN'T BE. Because college is supposed to be the funnest years in your life right? Heh heh, it doesn't look that way

[...]

There was one time in my life when I could tell I slipped into depression. I think it was my junior year (when I found out the poem I wrote while feeling completely miserable got published as one of the top ten in the new york state area for high schoolers. You should remember it - "Flashbacks of God.") Yes, God was the silver lining through it all, when everything in life caved in and seemed miserable, totally irreversible, helpless, and inescapable.

Point is, the kind of depression I'm going through now is not the same as three years ago. I don't think everything in life is miserable. I enjoy things and delight in little pleasures, like the scrunchies sitting on my table as I speak. The problem is life on earth is fleeting, and is it wrong to not look forward to everything I see negative in the future..? The fights I'll have with my husband, that is if I'm willing to even accept one. Then again, everything good in life does come with a price, answer is, I am toooooooooootally NOT ready to pay it.

Freaking guys as well. Can I vent about them? Why do I always imagine guys in the future as babys... no replies accepted. Have woman become too controlling?? Too dominating?? I mean seriously? What's wrong with this picture..

[is this just me?]

When I refocus on God, I keep coming back to the same excuse - there's just not enough support here in my walk. Which reminds me of another problem I have:

I don't know how to ask for help. [riggleslivybubbermibby!!@#]

Maybe because the right people who I feel I can trust simply aren't around. [riggleslivybubbermibby!!@#] I've had someone reach out to me, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to trust him with my heart! And although I've actually stopped my used-to-be incessant cries to God for a true quality friend and settled for the fact that I am a total introvert, the irony is that I still want someone physical to hear me out and not judge me right away for it. I just want a friend who will listen and really care.

You know why people hold back? It's because people too often treat each other as objects. People use people. People use them and throw them back out like rags. [you notice it too]

I've noticed that in my life, I can highlight only a select few on my journey that I've really connected heart-to-heart with and those people I will treasure forever. But I'm still vying for people to look me heart-to-heart. It's the only way I'll remember them and keep in touch, otherwise I'm just an explorer exploring her surroundings and moving on - nothing changed, except a reinforced worldview (you want it so badly to change, you've tried thinking about better and more lovely thoughts but it slips away from you like soap in your hands).

I still feel the same.

Completely unmoved, but hoping for movement.

Yet still quite delighted in the small things, like scrunchies, earphones, nikonD3000s, the grand piano, and flowers.

[and lemonade stands]

Still cynical of the future and the people in it. [yea]

Still flawed, totally condemning, somewhat bitter, somewhat hopeful [voice goes up]

And through it all, I still feel the same.

can you help me?