What scares me is the fact that I don't know who we are anymore. I'm so unsure right now if what we're getting ourselves into is something right. What if I'm not trying hard enough and I'm getting complacent. The idea of an Anti-Christ is kind of a concept I've never really explored before, and until tonight, based on what I read somewhere, it's kinda disappointing how 'Christians' celebrate man, focusing on making oneself happy and glorifying man instead of God. I'm guilty of it, but I don't know where to stop feeling guilty. I don't know if I'm denying knowledge because I know it'll bring suffering, or whether this is all just 'part of the plan' and I'm taking my time to enjoy myself for once. I don't know. Nothing is certain, and that's scary. No one knows what's going on, many people are too blind to see it, and for me, even if I see it, the pain's too hard to go back to, something I don't even know was necessary for so long. I'm worried, I'm afraid that I'm losing grip on what I used to value so much more than anything else. My priorities were so straight back then. Now, I'm juggling three big priorities I can think of right away, God, my schoolwork, and my parents/family/health/friends. And I've actually got my priorities mixed up before. It's so bad, it's kind of shameful. I don't feel good inside, I don't feel proud of being a Christian for that matter. I feel that when I say I'm a Christian, I get burdened by all that is expected of me, and I don't think I can ever take what I did before in the past, when I really gave my all and lost my mind. It gets me angry too when I think back at it. I never had a healthy 'balance' because I was so consumed with God, so bred on the fact that I am living for God, and not myself, to deny my nature and desire and to also prevent myself from doing stupid things by avoiding it. It was all planned out, thought out, and that's what made life seem so tiring. Five years since I've been baptized and it seems like it was timeless, as if my clearest memories go straight back to middle school, when I broke up with the only best friend I ever had, for a reason I still do not know. I made up excuses to my parents saying that she did drugs and dated guys and broke up with them and I actually made her look like junk, when I was really trying to come up with a reason why I silently drifted from her and at that I cost her reputation, someone who loved me and stood up for me and played with me. I'll never forget the memories, but I'll never forgive myself for judging her for the sake of me. I love her though, she's still Kelly Simpson, she's still loving, and honest, and persevering, and inspirational, I'm sure to many. But I worry I'm getting lazy and complacent, like I'll be one of them, go with the flow, stand right out just to blend right in. I don't know how I could live any other way. I've tried to be happy, and I have been, and I've tried doing the best of everything I could possibly do, but it feels so heavy, this feeling that I'm missing something, really really big, and I'm just missing out on a deeper life that can be so much more satisfying. I miss that I guess. Happiness doesn't come near what fulfillment God can give you. I don't hunger for God anymore. I don't want to play the keyboard for two worship sets tomorrow, that's from 10am - 2pm, half my day right there. I know back in the cana days I would find a reason for why, why my time, but now, I can't find it. My work is just as important, getting things done on time, and never giving my competition the slack. I want to feel on top, I want to be the best, I want to be in it to win it, I want to do better, be better, learn more, get better, do the best, and that's all. Do my best. Is this what I've watered my life down to? I mean, it is essential that I do my best. But I know that's not enough. Definitely not enough. To do my best is missing something, it's implying something too. I'm leading, and God's just supposed to be there to support me? Last year, when I was a freshman, I always had the mindset of God leading first, and I following. Lord, I would say, I have a project that's due, give me inspiration so that I can bring you glory through it. Can I bring glory to God by finishing my graphic design homework? Sure, I'm working my way up towards getting a college degree and diploma, so that God can use that for my future works. But what about my life now, I'm not asking God to lead the day tomorrow. I'm not asking God to lead the way, and I follow. I'm saying, 'I have no blasted idea of where I'm going but as long as I'm happy and doing well in school, we'll see where life brings me.' And quite yes, this is completely normal. See where life takes me right? See what God has in store or planned for me. Am I an activist? Really? Maybe I want to lead with God in making change happen now, on campus, sooner, now, instead of waiting until I get my diploma and get a job, and have a family, and move around. Thinking about that, this mindset will never change. Even when I have a family, I'll say, 'Ok God, I'm still waiting for what you have in store for me.' And yes, nothing's wrong with that either. But why would I still be waiting. I mean, shouldn't I be living in the moment for God? Am I missing something here? Do I dismiss people too easily? I mean, am I supposed to be concerned about every classmate I see in class, Am I supposed to say hi to them every time I see someone I recognize but don't know, or whether I'm supposed to force myself to get to know them or to try to at least appreciate them, or go out of my way to talk to them or just be really awkward and unnatural and obstrusive by saying 'hi' to them, what's your name, where are you from, what year are you, what major are you, and leave them in the bandwagon only to forget everything about them the next day. It's too much for me, I can't take it alone, I can't handle so much void in the school. Yes, I see hurt, I see a lot of lost faces and people in the cafeteria, I see a lot of hidden fear in people's eyes, but what am I supposed to do. Honestly? What. Go up to them and say, 'Hey, what's up. Can I sit here? Are you all right? I'm sorry, you don't know me, I'm here to assure you that there's hope in this world and ..' oh gosh, I'm sounding so anti-christ right now. Like I'm against such an unnatural action, or reaction, or proactive action. You see my problem. There's no line to draw. Do your best, think about yourself, is being self-centered, but thinking about others, makes you feel like crap because they don't give, and you feel sucky and frickin' angry that you ever turned back. I don't, I really don't, all I want to do is eat sushi right now, Go to a chinese buffet and seriously get some Chinese food and eat lobster mix and spring rolls and oh my gosh dumplings and oh my gooooosh nooodles and fried rice and chicken and string beans and oh my word,,,,, I want all of this right now. And I'll be happy and I'll spend time chatting with you at a table, time passing, letting thing unravel and change, and I'll just be there as another small, tiny catalyst in the world doing very very little, but focusing on her own life, her own goals, her own values and morals, inflicting them on others who will never accept them because they're doing their part of inflicting their morals into the world, and this world will become just a huge place of clashing and banging and bonging and sounding and clammering and bumping and bruising and bashing and sword-drawing fights. If this is what I see or at least CAN see, then something's wrong. Love? Can that be it? But so many people just focus on romantic love, like it's the only thing in life worth experiencing. Seriously? I wouldn't mind, but do I think it's the most important thing? No. I think it's nice to love, and be romantic, and I hate to crush, but it happens, because it's distracting and my mind is only thinking about you, BUT, love is nice because it gives me ... dare I say joy? But definitely happiness because YOU, I, WE all of a sudden become the WORLD in each other's eyes and that's enough to continue to live and be blind to the rest of the world's troubles isn't it? It's easy that way. Definitely easy to work with someone by your side, but definitely a romantic partner is not the goal, is never the end, but always a means, a way of living. And I see it as optional, to say the least. But what is love? Everyone asks that. It's even a song. It hurts people too, love. Yet there's something so satisfying about love. What about God's love, shouldn't that be our first love? I remember that often actually, but I think it's easy to forget that God's love can be romantic too. I know it it first hand, forshur, and I'll NEVER forget it, those moments where I'm in complete awe and I get the blush because I know God's whispering to me that I'm beautiful and I'm everything He's asking of me and I'm overjoyed. But God is also just and faithful and He can get jealous too. Why have we forgotten that God is our first love? HE IS LOVE. How could I forget that.. I don't know why I'm so angry inside. I don't appear it, but when I start talking about God and love, I get so angry. Is it because my love for God has given me so much pain? It definitely is a possibility. I just wish I knew something for sure. I know that God is there, he exists. But I'm still struggling with the part of love, His love for me, Hell, why can't I look to the cross and see that Jesus died for me. Have I seriously grown numb to that story? Have we all? Because we've heard it so many times? Maybe because we're, like I was addressing in the beginning, NOT GOING OUT AND DOING ANYTHING that we're stuck with the same story that has NO NEW FRESH PERSPECTIVE. There's no breath of fresh air in the Gospel when you don't live it out, am I right? It becomes a dead story in your head that your heart only knows and you grow dry because of it, because you really don't KNOW God at least you don't converse with Him enough to stay in a relationship with Him, one you're willing to keep and go back to. Am I right? I'm right. I'm sure I am. It must be the same for me too. This whole anti-christ is something I can now put a name to the FACT that people are DRIFTING. Sorry for the caps. But we are, and too often wavering in fear, when LOVE should CAST OUT FEAR. So I guess what I should do is get to know God more, and in the sense that God is my true lover, and He is the only person who can fulfill my needs and desires, but SEEK THE KINGDOM FIRST, remember? Meaning, my desires come AFTER my OBEDIENCE TO GOD'S WILL, which essentially is to love others and I say even more than myself. And I'll be moved by the Holy Spirit. That should be enough. But really, as much as duty counts, it's also not what saves us. It's loving God too. But FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD. so you kinda hafta have both. Love God, have faith in Him, Trust that He's taking care of me, But don't forget to listen closely to His commands so that you can obey them, and I'm taking to me too. Obey. Overcome. And that's the line.