I'm going to work tomorrow and I ain't! looking forward to it! t~t
Yes, my dad told me to build up endurance, and I shall. At least I'll think I'm being productive (hopefully I am!)
And c'mon! I'm waiting for the backyard to be done so I can throw a partay! woohoo! haha. Seriously.
I cut my hair! hay! I'm feelin' good about it. It finally makes me confident about who I look on the outside! WHAT a relief. I seriously had no mind behind it all. All it was was guts and a desire to have bangs. I would never have cut my hair on my own back then, but now that I've realized that I truly am my own, I can do what I want! woohoo! whadayaknow :)
Also, I was reading this book called "The Greatest Thing in the World" by Henry Drummond (I happened to just stumble upon it on our family bookshelf), and it was a really really nice refresher about how above all else, love is the most important quality to have. Without love, I am nothing; without love, everything I do is nothing. It just cleared my mind so nicely, considering there are thousands upon thousands of self-help books out there, and a handful of them that I've read so far have easily complicated things or made things worse. But this book by Drummond isn't even all that long. It just goes over 1 Corinthians 13 about how love is the greatest thing we can offer humankind - above faith, above hope, love is the greatest. Knowing this, having love, really simplifies things.
I've also been thinking quite a lot about sleep itself, how wonderful and blissful it can be, but also how so many growing adults have lost this precious gift with age. I feel so bad for people who can not recapture the sleep of their childhood. And it makes me want to savor every relaxed muscle in my body when I go to sleep! I wish people would make sleeping a priority again, maybe that will help out their lives more.
Hey, do you drink 3 water bottles a day? Well, it is recommended, and usually I don't, but at Carolyn Ray Inc. I've been doing just that. Standing all the time, doing inventory work, mixing dyes, helping out the artist, it's definitely a tiring job, but it makes me focus so much more on my own physical body! actually tuning in on what it has to say, which is such a healthy habit I'm developing.
Music. Ohhhh how I've been so immersed in music this week alone. The radio, google videos, classical music, picking up my viola and my sister's violin, rehashing my old piano pieces.. I love it, I absolutely love it. This is what my body needs, what, actually, more specifically my soul needs, is to express itself! It's freeing, it's enlightening, it's creative, it's interpretive, it's instigating, it's empowering, it's energizing, it's fun, it's relaxing, it's soothing, it's wonderful!
I wanted to insert this here as well, that I do have another secret blog, more so the blog that's more cut dry (or overflowing), that does express more of my deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings, but it's just so you are aware that my life is not perfect, that I do have a lot of downs that are well casted out to no one, but at least casted out. Ahh, I actually own 3 blogs including this one, I guess to say that I've always wanted to start fresh again, but it turns out that I can't credit my life to one blog as these three blogs actually hold dear parts of me written in flesh and blood.
Great, now I'm getting deeper in thought, choose to continue reading or not.
I'm thinking about how often I think about how short life is. Death, to me, is very close. It scares the freak out of me to know how insignificant I am, and how I'm deathly afraid of living in vain all the time. I don't like thinking about it, I try not to, but I can't help but ask myself where I'm going in life, all the time. I say now is a time of self-discovery, but then what. After I find someone to live with for the rest of my life, I don't want to be picking up his dirty laundry or cooking for him my whole life? That's ridiculous. What an already biased view of my husband. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not really looking forward to life, at least life as most people know it, having a family and raising up kids and then preparing them for the world, once you yourself have just gotten there. It's so unfair! when I think about it. Maybe because I'm still looking for fun times and singleness and the freedom of just doing whatever I want to do in life because it's mine (and God's). I'm just looking for a way out, you know. A way out of the typical system, the cliche of society. I want to know if I really have it in me to even pursue, let's say, a career that I'm actually passionate about too, one that doesn't have the notion of a secure job at the end of college, even though I can recognize it as an illusion as well. It's really the battle between the heart and mind. I'm struggling to figure out which path is the right one, which inclination to listen to, after all, I'm not fully committed to graphic design, I'm only doing it because my aunt told me years ago, more like warned me, not to go into fine arts, which is something I do enjoy, if not more than graphic/computer arts. When I was young, I always told my mom that I never wanted to work in front of a computer, or worse, sit in a cubicle all day. I wanted to go out and travel, be passionate about life, garden, do outside work, be doing what I loved to do. But now, since I've been taking life step by step, I'm finding myself torn between my dream, my mean for happiness, and what I feel will earn me secure money. I mean, when I say out loud, it sounds obvious that I'm on the wrong track, but how is it that I'm already 90% convinced that I won't, willl not, change majors, or classes, or anything?? How am I so afraid, so scared of taking a risk? I will never know, because I will never change. Oh, I pray to God, that He would change my mind because for all I know, my heart's not there. Maybe I just need some support on my decision.
That's the rundown of where my career's going. I'm so nervous about it, and it's such a sore to think about my upcoming teacher and class, who my friend says, is a beater. I'm supposed to know all the adobe programs before I even arrive to her class, supposedly. I mean, my parents are paying for college not so that I have to do all the work during the summer, but so that my professors can actually TEACH something and I learn. Now, I kinda wish I took a summer class on the adobe programs. I need to soak up on online tutorials or something because if I don't, I'm going to regret it by the time summer ends.
[Sigh] I know I'm going on, but I also do pray that your life is abundant and joyous. Even though there are times when life doesn't even want to make you go on any longer, I know we can pull through. I've said it before, that I seriously do get sick of the seasons sometimes and that I hate the fact that they're seasons because they're cyclic, but life is like a garden, you'll find a daisy here and an african violet there. At times like these, life is just too beautiful to miss out on.
