I want to start on a clean slate. I feel as though I've taken a long swerve about the main road. It's not that these past years have amount to nothing. They just led to a point where I realized that I was living with the wrong attitudes. No judging, more loving out of God's love for me, and the humility that comes with it. Knowledge is such a powerful thing. People make it their end to attain as much knowledge as their mind and life can hold. I can clearly see now where and when I took this route of making knowledge and understanding an end instead of a means. The Bible would definitely say it's striving after wind, which I can see why it would. Striving after knowledge and understanding is not living at all. Living is being yourself and having faith in God. It's spending time with the most important people in your life and being free to express yourself in front of them, without fear, but with caution. I'm getting it now, which seems ridiculous. That such simple lessons in life can be so hard to put to practice. That it would take so long to come to its realization on one's own. But in this sinful world, those kinds of roads are taken all the time.
I feel strange in myself. I feel as though for so long, I've lost my way, and yet I've come out of it much more affirmed that the way I took should not be one in which I should return to - leading by knowledge instead of faith. The path itself was probably necessary in order for God to teach me this lesson, but I should definitely steer clear of what I do (or hopefully did) often, which is over-think things.
I mean, for so long, I've been struggling a lot with self-hate, self-doubt, self-pity. It's a lot of degrading and killing of confidence. But it's something I need to deal with.
For now, I want to see where God leads me. I'm actually quite uncertain about more than 80% of my current state right now (not even life - state, meaning present moment state). It's leaving me feeling pretty anxious, stressed, pressured, and again, I want to hate myself for it because I don't know what I want <--
Basically, I've been totally deconstructed, and I'm in total shattered pieces inside however put together in a single image which is my flesh. It's surprising to me that I had built a sand-castle, not even something on sand or rock, but a sand-castle itself. And I suppose I saw it slowly melt with rain in college.
There is no question. Just a big question mark right now, which I find quite exciting. I suppose mainly because God loves me and won't let me down. From here on out, it's just a matter of who's making the calls.
That's it for now. I am looking forward to tecbc, which will be fun as well as (I can feel it already) - rewarding. I'm sure I'll learn just as much as or more than the teens that'll be there. Gotta keep prayin'.
I feel strange in myself. I feel as though for so long, I've lost my way, and yet I've come out of it much more affirmed that the way I took should not be one in which I should return to - leading by knowledge instead of faith. The path itself was probably necessary in order for God to teach me this lesson, but I should definitely steer clear of what I do (or hopefully did) often, which is over-think things.
I mean, for so long, I've been struggling a lot with self-hate, self-doubt, self-pity. It's a lot of degrading and killing of confidence. But it's something I need to deal with.
For now, I want to see where God leads me. I'm actually quite uncertain about more than 80% of my current state right now (not even life - state, meaning present moment state). It's leaving me feeling pretty anxious, stressed, pressured, and again, I want to hate myself for it because I don't know what I want <--
Basically, I've been totally deconstructed, and I'm in total shattered pieces inside however put together in a single image which is my flesh. It's surprising to me that I had built a sand-castle, not even something on sand or rock, but a sand-castle itself. And I suppose I saw it slowly melt with rain in college.
There is no question. Just a big question mark right now, which I find quite exciting. I suppose mainly because God loves me and won't let me down. From here on out, it's just a matter of who's making the calls.
That's it for now. I am looking forward to tecbc, which will be fun as well as (I can feel it already) - rewarding. I'm sure I'll learn just as much as or more than the teens that'll be there. Gotta keep prayin'.
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