Days seem like ghost blocks that have passed by me completely. Could I perhaps have overcome a kind of care for the materialistic things of this world? I am surprised at myself. I never thought I would appreciate little kids so much, noticing how precious their lives are.
Maybe it's that innocence isn't lost in an instance, but is slowly lost over time. People say that teenagers have the most passion - that our energy is the most "fired up." I'm starting to believe that our energy is more closely related to 'a hope for the future' kind of a mindset and actually believing in ourselves to achieve a certain goal. This goal grows less and less bright as time passes because the realities, the inner struggles, the expectations seem to press it down. Hope. What do you have hope in? Does Hope imply a form of savior in your life? And if so, from what?
I know that life will always bring new experiences. But now, more than ever, I question my role as a member of humanity. Honestly, I seem to have given up on trying - simply that. I always tried.
How did my school life grow so cold? I wish I stopped going to school because I can never understand how I am automatically insecure in the midst of schoolmates. Honestly, I fear the people in school. If I was anywhere else, at home, at an amusement park with strangers, I would actually feel more safe being myself. Why then is school NOT SAFE. Why do I always fear judgment. How can I feel safe at school? I think this is my biggest dilemma. Send me anywhere else, and I'll be fine. Just not school. I never felt safe there.
Reflecting on what I've been going through much lately, I've been trying to dig in the past and nestle in the warm soil of what my childhood offered. Sadly, I can't find that feeling anymore as often as I'd like to. I'd say that warm feeling is only felt around family. Both sad and scary is the fact that I am growing further apart from my family. The strange thing about transitioning from childhood to adulthood is that you don't know how to respond to the changes. So you'll look to media, what they show on T.V., and you'll look to the older generations in your own family and how they function, and you'll wonder how they ever got through to get to where they are now. For me, I refuse to follow media. I refuse to distance myself from my family members, but sometimes, even they don't comply. What confuses me is the idea that my refusal to distance myself from my family, what does that equate to? Does that mean I am refusing to "grow up?" What does "growing up" mean anyways to you? You might say, well, taking care of yourself and being less reliant on your parents and handling your own responsibilities. I can take that answer. But I believe I can do all that while keeping a close relationship with my family. It's just hard because media, as far as I have observed, has shown teenagers who grow up and want to get as far away as possible from their parents; they want as little to do with them. They want to completely sever themselves and start anew. I find that despicable to a degree and according to circumstance.
So what does it mean to grow up? How do you handle the change? What inside of you stays the same? What do you allow to change? Do you believe you can change? I seem to be stuck in time. It feels problematic, but because I'm so stuck, I can't seem to move or make intentional decisions. I don't have it in me right now. I just don't. And its disheartening to be in this position. At least I'm conscious that I am in the position. I feel like I have the option to jump out and pretend that everything is fine and that I am okay and that I know exactly what I'm doing and where I want to go or what I want to do. Do you know what you want?
But I can't. Who on earth indulges in my state of, reluctantly I say, purposelessness. Am I lazy? I can't be. I just can't find my motivation as to why I should try again. Trying, I am repulsed by that word now.
Honestly, I don't want to try. I can't. Whenever I think about it, my throat sinks into my body like I'm disgusted. For now, I want to leave with this song: Someday
If truly our passions lead us to where we are meant to be and we are fully satisfied and the world's needs in that particular area are met, then why can't I dream? I feel like I've been SO brainwashed by SO many sermons I now have this animosity towards church; secretively. I want to be optimistic again.
That's a start [we'll see].
Dream High
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