I NEED PASSION!!!!
This is my biggest issue/concern right now. I don't know what's holding me back though! I am certain the things I've been doing were things I really enjoyed and I am confident to this day that they still are things I could enjoy. But it's not in me. There simply is no fervor to get me to do what my mind desires which is to be satiated by absorbing myself in something that I absolutely love. But I can't! It's not possible, and it's frustrating because I can imagine all the work I would have created by now if I wasn't so caught up in life <-- meaning caught up in everything that's going on around me. My focus and attention just aren't there. And I'm not even sure if it's right or not.
Number 1, today I did something that made me feel totally violated.
Number 2, I feel like I'm complete weaksauce except the core of me, which is my soul.
Number 3, finals are here and I'm looking for an apartment while trying to get an internship.
Number 4, while life is hectic, i'm remaining completely calm, which is not surprising but still strange.
Number 5, I'm just trying to be me! If I was honest with myself, I'd realize how utterly sad I am for everything - for the loss of my past, for the worry of my parents, for the inevitable soon passing of my grandparents, for the world who doesn't know God, and for every other little thing that gets caught and realized. I guess that's life though. Losing and Gaining, losing and gaining, and I'm just in the process of LOSING many things in spite of good that can come out of it. I don't know. To me, it's like an inner mourning of my heart for all the things that once were and are no more and a mourning for the things that will be and happen.
It's not quite that simple either. To me, I'm struggling with clarity and truths and distinctions, knowing where to draw the line. Right now, I don't know how to NOT do anything out of selfish ambition without feeling awful about the work I create because I just don't like it or I just don't have a personal connection to it. I can't distinguish between selfish ambition and passion. Or the messages coming left and right that tell me to do my best, but also to let God take control, which implies two things: that I can do my best and that God must be the one doing it, which is confusing at first, but on second thought, it's just me being the hands and feet for God to do his work through me. I mean, when I think about it, isn't that what God didn't want? For us to be robots? or people He controlled? You see where I'm getting confused? Exactly how much does free will play into our relationship with God? For me, I think I feel awful inside because I can't differentiate between doing something for myself and doing something for God. I remove myself from my work so God can shine with his beauty displayed, but I don't sense a kind of passion behind the work, nor do I feel any personal connection with the work. And if I do not remove myself from the work and I base my decision-making on what satisfies Me, for example personal taste/preference/style, then I feel completely awful for blocking out God and supposedly doing something out of 'selfish ambition.' You see my dilemma right?
I heard at an art seminar before that our goal as artists is to create work that is beautiful or that displays a kind of beauty to the world that encourages it and enlightens people. A kind of beauty that would be reflective of God. I'm starting to think that God is trying to show me that beauty doesn't only come in the form of control or order, but that beauty can come out of passion, a kind of spontaneity that was looked down upon in terms of contradicting a kind of chinese stereotype of what a beautiful girl/woman should look like, which is restrained, proper, reserved, ordered, and every other possible adjective that would match the imagery of a cloud in a straight-jacket. This was the impression that I got when I was young. I was molded to think that this was the generic or universal beauty that people admired. But I was wrong. Although, walking elegantly and lightly on one's feet is a lovely sight, or that speaking moderately and having smooth transitions/actions are graceful, I'm starting to think that it's ok to skip on my feet once in a while (without looking like a child) and that sudden movements can be charming and beautiful at the same time. I think this is who I am. I kept forcing myself into this cookie-cutter beauty that I wasn't satisfied with but that I knew was in itself a beautiful thing. There are girls out there who actually naturally fit this mold, and they're beautiful just the way they are. But I'm the kind that likes roughness and adventure. I'm the kind who wouldn't mind a bruise on the leg. While I see the value in having a persevering spirit, I feel like God is also speaking to me in terms of giving myself more credit in who I am, or more accurately, who I've been hiding. There are many messages in this world that tell people to just be themselves, to be free and act as they would. For me, there is a delicate line. This line divides volatile impulsiveness from intelligible self-control, profanity from modesty, rudeness and disrespect from propriety and courtesy. I value all the latter in the matter.
However, what I've learned is that having these qualities does not mean suppressing my other qualities. I feel like I've let people down in terms of not allowing my personality to shine more. I feel like I've been holding back from them and as a result, I've been holding out on God's gift to them as a person. I'm sorry for myself and I'm sorry to them for letting them wait in a period of mediocrity or dullness. I'm not being pretentious when I say these things, but the fact is that each of us are God's gift to each other, and if one person suffers, everyone suffers. For me, I've been going through a lot of hard times. And all I'm saying in my writing is that I'm sorry that people had to go through it with me even if they were unaware and especially if they didn't know what to do. Right now, I despise how my parents are worrying about me and about other things. I know they put their trust in God, but as parents, they still worry, and I don't want them to. It makes me feel bad for being in the situation that I am, which is the high possibility of living off-campus next year, which is obviously more dangerous in terms of security because it's not as tight as if I were to live on-campus. And considering Baltimore and it's neighborhoods, it WILL be a scary thing for me too, but it's a downer to think that I'm little bit of fear actually is multiplied in my parents concerning me. That's why praying is important. Praying is essential.
Before I end, I want to point out an observation. That this post has, since a very long time, been my closest and greatest reflection of who I am. It's a post that really is the opening of a corkscrew on a bottle again because my voice is here, embedded into it. I'm not saying that my other posts were fake or not me, but my other posts were definitely more thought-controlled and mind-restricted. This post was much more fluid and easier to write. Maybe because I've reached a point in life where I have confirmed that who I am as a person maybe isn't bad at all. Maybe I'm starting to overcome some negative thoughts about myself that have put me down for a while. Maybe I'm learning to accept who I am, to recognize that I have major flaws, but that they're not the end of the world, and that I can correct them and learn to cope with them and let others know about them to let our relationship benefit from it. I might be controlling, and I am likely not to take critiques well, but I'll work on it. I'll work on letting go, I'll learn how to work in a team, and I'll understand that the hardest critiques can come from the people who believe in me the most. Thank you all for your support and I apologize sincerely if I have ever offended you or judged you. I am just like you, a human being with problems trying to make sense of the world as a growing person transitioning into the real world, as a person trying to help others, as a person who goes through a stage of (or maybe it's not a stage at all) awkwardness, and as a person who needs to critique the world in order to know it. Once again, I'm sorry if you saw an ugly side of me or was hurt by me. We need to keep supporting each other because we all go through uncertain times.
This is my biggest issue/concern right now. I don't know what's holding me back though! I am certain the things I've been doing were things I really enjoyed and I am confident to this day that they still are things I could enjoy. But it's not in me. There simply is no fervor to get me to do what my mind desires which is to be satiated by absorbing myself in something that I absolutely love. But I can't! It's not possible, and it's frustrating because I can imagine all the work I would have created by now if I wasn't so caught up in life <-- meaning caught up in everything that's going on around me. My focus and attention just aren't there. And I'm not even sure if it's right or not.
Number 1, today I did something that made me feel totally violated.
Number 2, I feel like I'm complete weaksauce except the core of me, which is my soul.
Number 3, finals are here and I'm looking for an apartment while trying to get an internship.
Number 4, while life is hectic, i'm remaining completely calm, which is not surprising but still strange.
Number 5, I'm just trying to be me! If I was honest with myself, I'd realize how utterly sad I am for everything - for the loss of my past, for the worry of my parents, for the inevitable soon passing of my grandparents, for the world who doesn't know God, and for every other little thing that gets caught and realized. I guess that's life though. Losing and Gaining, losing and gaining, and I'm just in the process of LOSING many things in spite of good that can come out of it. I don't know. To me, it's like an inner mourning of my heart for all the things that once were and are no more and a mourning for the things that will be and happen.
It's not quite that simple either. To me, I'm struggling with clarity and truths and distinctions, knowing where to draw the line. Right now, I don't know how to NOT do anything out of selfish ambition without feeling awful about the work I create because I just don't like it or I just don't have a personal connection to it. I can't distinguish between selfish ambition and passion. Or the messages coming left and right that tell me to do my best, but also to let God take control, which implies two things: that I can do my best and that God must be the one doing it, which is confusing at first, but on second thought, it's just me being the hands and feet for God to do his work through me. I mean, when I think about it, isn't that what God didn't want? For us to be robots? or people He controlled? You see where I'm getting confused? Exactly how much does free will play into our relationship with God? For me, I think I feel awful inside because I can't differentiate between doing something for myself and doing something for God. I remove myself from my work so God can shine with his beauty displayed, but I don't sense a kind of passion behind the work, nor do I feel any personal connection with the work. And if I do not remove myself from the work and I base my decision-making on what satisfies Me, for example personal taste/preference/style, then I feel completely awful for blocking out God and supposedly doing something out of 'selfish ambition.' You see my dilemma right?
I heard at an art seminar before that our goal as artists is to create work that is beautiful or that displays a kind of beauty to the world that encourages it and enlightens people. A kind of beauty that would be reflective of God. I'm starting to think that God is trying to show me that beauty doesn't only come in the form of control or order, but that beauty can come out of passion, a kind of spontaneity that was looked down upon in terms of contradicting a kind of chinese stereotype of what a beautiful girl/woman should look like, which is restrained, proper, reserved, ordered, and every other possible adjective that would match the imagery of a cloud in a straight-jacket. This was the impression that I got when I was young. I was molded to think that this was the generic or universal beauty that people admired. But I was wrong. Although, walking elegantly and lightly on one's feet is a lovely sight, or that speaking moderately and having smooth transitions/actions are graceful, I'm starting to think that it's ok to skip on my feet once in a while (without looking like a child) and that sudden movements can be charming and beautiful at the same time. I think this is who I am. I kept forcing myself into this cookie-cutter beauty that I wasn't satisfied with but that I knew was in itself a beautiful thing. There are girls out there who actually naturally fit this mold, and they're beautiful just the way they are. But I'm the kind that likes roughness and adventure. I'm the kind who wouldn't mind a bruise on the leg. While I see the value in having a persevering spirit, I feel like God is also speaking to me in terms of giving myself more credit in who I am, or more accurately, who I've been hiding. There are many messages in this world that tell people to just be themselves, to be free and act as they would. For me, there is a delicate line. This line divides volatile impulsiveness from intelligible self-control, profanity from modesty, rudeness and disrespect from propriety and courtesy. I value all the latter in the matter.
However, what I've learned is that having these qualities does not mean suppressing my other qualities. I feel like I've let people down in terms of not allowing my personality to shine more. I feel like I've been holding back from them and as a result, I've been holding out on God's gift to them as a person. I'm sorry for myself and I'm sorry to them for letting them wait in a period of mediocrity or dullness. I'm not being pretentious when I say these things, but the fact is that each of us are God's gift to each other, and if one person suffers, everyone suffers. For me, I've been going through a lot of hard times. And all I'm saying in my writing is that I'm sorry that people had to go through it with me even if they were unaware and especially if they didn't know what to do. Right now, I despise how my parents are worrying about me and about other things. I know they put their trust in God, but as parents, they still worry, and I don't want them to. It makes me feel bad for being in the situation that I am, which is the high possibility of living off-campus next year, which is obviously more dangerous in terms of security because it's not as tight as if I were to live on-campus. And considering Baltimore and it's neighborhoods, it WILL be a scary thing for me too, but it's a downer to think that I'm little bit of fear actually is multiplied in my parents concerning me. That's why praying is important. Praying is essential.
Before I end, I want to point out an observation. That this post has, since a very long time, been my closest and greatest reflection of who I am. It's a post that really is the opening of a corkscrew on a bottle again because my voice is here, embedded into it. I'm not saying that my other posts were fake or not me, but my other posts were definitely more thought-controlled and mind-restricted. This post was much more fluid and easier to write. Maybe because I've reached a point in life where I have confirmed that who I am as a person maybe isn't bad at all. Maybe I'm starting to overcome some negative thoughts about myself that have put me down for a while. Maybe I'm learning to accept who I am, to recognize that I have major flaws, but that they're not the end of the world, and that I can correct them and learn to cope with them and let others know about them to let our relationship benefit from it. I might be controlling, and I am likely not to take critiques well, but I'll work on it. I'll work on letting go, I'll learn how to work in a team, and I'll understand that the hardest critiques can come from the people who believe in me the most. Thank you all for your support and I apologize sincerely if I have ever offended you or judged you. I am just like you, a human being with problems trying to make sense of the world as a growing person transitioning into the real world, as a person trying to help others, as a person who goes through a stage of (or maybe it's not a stage at all) awkwardness, and as a person who needs to critique the world in order to know it. Once again, I'm sorry if you saw an ugly side of me or was hurt by me. We need to keep supporting each other because we all go through uncertain times.
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