Hi Folks,

I'm pretty happy right now. Don't know why, maybe cus Spring Semester is goooooood. I painted a lightbulb, spent 3 hours in the cold shooting black&white film which was super super fun cus i met cute dogs along the way, had Meyerhoff pizza, and am looking forward to tomorrow morning's omelet. eeeeeee [big cheese]

I also don't know why we're already 2 days from February. I wrote this thing for Critical Inquiry two days ago about how we're always so conscious of time, specifically how fast it goes by because we keep thinking about it (that wasn't particularly the point of my essay, but a pretty essential part of it). If you wish to read it, email me please :)

My social life is improving as well, mostly because I'm more comfortable with myself. I've realized that who I was in the past showed too much of what was inside - which was joy - and scared people off because they probably thought I was expecting something from them, which to a degree I was - to treat me right - but I guess I can leave that bitter memory tucked away somewhere in my mind. I mean, I don't get it. At pre-prom, we were at the pavilion taking pictures, and there was this one time when a mom, after taking our photo, said, "Ok girls, you can relax those smiles now," but why did I have to when my smile came from a genuine happiness inside of me? "Oh, I'm smiling because I'm happy," I said to her, and something switched in her demeanor, like she appreciated what I had said. But anywho, maybe people were just skeptical back then, when my insides were actually on the out. And I do believe that because of their treatment, I was discouraged to show my true feelings anymore for a while... because I suppose I didn't want to seem out of the ordinary. But yes, I keep brushing it off because I don't care anymore about justifying my past, because it's more important to change for the better. And after Urbana, I've been different, most definitely. Conversations seem to last longer, and a 'hi' across the sauce dispensers can lead to a half-hour talk about spirituality, and it's simply amazing how life has a new depth again and everything has a new meaning.

I'd like to talk to you now. Because there's so much we CAN say. And I reserve all judgment and neglect all faults just to hear your story. I'm speaking to YOU, yes, the invisible person I am typing to. Your story is not only of interest to me, but of great value to me. I'd like to get to know you more. And we'll see how things roll from there.

I realize that my posts are frequently from my stream of consciousness, but I do want to inform you that there will be times I will write like a writer instead of write like a speaker. In art school, they actually make you think about those things - how different you write from how you speak, all those deep stuff I'm into, because apparently I'm deep, but I'm not always complex, but not always simple either. It doesn't matter.

[sigh] I'm living my life day-to-day, thinking about the future sometimes, but I'm living at last. I also had an interesting experience at a bar for the first time with Ellice who took me to Red Maple this past Monday. I didn't drink anything (duh), but it was good for me to get out and experience a snippet of say what someone else would do more frequently than me. Actually, I oftentimes think that God puts me through so many seemingly unnecessary trouble, circumstances, or experiences, but He allowed me to see that I go through those experiences sometimes just for the sake of understanding and relating to other people I'd meet down the road in my life. And maybe I could lend a hand or comfort them in understanding what they're going through. So trials, pain, and suffering aren't always for the self and for self-transformation; in many areas in life, those experiences can be tools for understanding, and hopefully wisdom.

I've thought it through... maybe God allowed me to experience love as well so I could love others. This might seem shallow, but I don't think I've ever related to love songs (even on the radio) until now. Some lyrics are actually graspable and totally understandable. I used to think, "whyyy the heeeck are people always singing love songs on the radio!" From Jennifer Hudson to Taylor Swift. Man, it's like once you've got it, they've got you.

Neways, I'm hoping this cold weather will pass by soon so the sunny and warm days will come :) I like breadsticks and bread in general. And Frosted Flakes is no longer my favorite... I'm a Special K fan and sometimes a Coa Coa Puff fan depending on the day. I'm also in uber need of chinese food as well (thank goodness I've been sustaining on rice a couple nights), but I plan to go to Hibachi sometime in the very near future, and I also plan to go to that really really good Korean Restaurant on Maryland St. (I think) with Kathy or someone :] yay for asian food!