I feel like I have Jesus/God at the core of my being. I actually know this because I've been through enough to fully put my trust in Him. But besides the core, it only seems to fade out from there. As much as I know I need God as my spiritual food, I can NEVER get myself to read the bible, less with praying. It's not that I don't want to, but it seems uninteresting compared to all the other things I could be doing (ehem, like blogging). Already, I can see that Satan must be behind all this, trying to drag me away from getting to know God on a much deeper level and continuing to dwell in His presence. I guess I can't protect myself from Satan because the thing I actually need to protect myself with is what he's trying to drag me away from T.T So I feel like unless I study the Bible together with someone else, I can't begin to read the Bible on my own.
This reminds me of college again. I don't belong to a Christian fellowship on campus (there's supposedly Koinonia, but I'm already bitter towards Koinonia for being some kind of secret society on campus considering it's not even advertised anywhere on campus and remains an underground fellowship), but I still go to a small church slash gallery called, the Light. It's nice going every Sunday, and having a 7 o'clock woman's group every Sunday night to study a devotional book, but truthfully it's not enough. There's not enough substance and a true dissection of the Scriptures that makes the woman's group feel profound and genuine. I want to start a bible study with a group of my Christian friends, but so much has already happened, a lot of scarring thoughts and feelings have already taken place, that I'm hesitant in initiating something I'm not confident will last long. I'm afraid of making excuses, or afraid of other people making excuses, and I somehow doubt my leadership in matters like these and it gets me frustrated because I know I need a support group on campus I know I can put my trust in. I'm really hoping that God will move me to start stepping up and taking initiative in voicing out my thoughts. I know what happened to me first semester is something I definitely don't want to go through again considering I sought out people from ocm on gchat all the time instead of confiding in the people who were physically there on campus at the time. Yes, I wanted to make the commitment to keep in touch with my ocmers, but I became too reliant on them to feed my social appetite and in some ways became a hinderance in my further development in relationships on campus. This was notably brought up by my brother on a phone call one night and I realized that I needed to be more active on campus and get to know more people.
Especially after Urbana and today's talk about why it's important to make friends with more non-Christians (or to have a balance of both non-Christian and Christian friends), I really do intend to talk to people I would have otherwise avoided talking to my first semester. And granted first semester being first semester and all, I guess I had to take it slow my first few steps into college. But now that second semester is well on its way, I have no more excuses as to why I should be a hermit ... unless I'm dearfully in need of time to work on a project. I mean, isn't that what sucks about art school, having to labor on a project (enjoying it or not) for an extended period of time (weeks upon weeks) until the deadline instead of studying for a test and getting it over with? And I'm talking about every hour of our waking body laboring over multiple projects assigned in class that require our walking all over campus to get art supplies and grab a meal and physically putting the artwork together. I guess there's liberty in that to a degree, but living the life of an artist is what I'm getting into and if I have to be one, I better start learning how to manage myself much more efficiently. And that includes integrating meaningful relationship with classmates on campus, keeping up with their lives, while doing a fantastic job in class. Oh boy, I better get all the rest I can while my winter break lasts.
It's tough, no one said it'd be easy (only those who've already done what you haven't already - heh). But I am asking whoever is reading this post right now to pray for me. Pray that I wouldn't grow weary. Pray that I wouldn't succumb to the temptation of not caring anymore and leaving things be. Pray that God would give me the physical strength to persevere through sleepless nights, to focus on my schoolwork while still putting God first. And pray that He'd use me to bring Him all the glory and that I'd find my spiritual food in praying, listening, and reading the Scriptures.
I love to worship, no doubt about it. It's because worshipping God is the most peaceful and joyous part of my day where I can set all else aside and abide in God's love for me. Thank God for my guitar.
I've stocked up on a lot of staple foods in my luggage at the moment to bring back to Baltimore. They include three bags of strawberry Special-K, one bag of blueberry Special-K, and tons of assorted Natural Valley granola bars.. for on the go! After first semester, I've realized my own capacity to consume numerous boxes of cereal all on my own, which scares me now.. [weird expression]. I've become a cereal monster apparently.
How could I have almost possibly forgotten to mention in this blog the exciting new of finally (finally!) getting a Nikon D3000!!! [squeaks] I have yet to unleash my photography skills peoples. Be on the watch-out. dun dun dun.
Hmm, I can feel this blog coming to a close very soon, but before I leave, I must mention that this past Thursday after going to the dentist office in Briarcliff, my dad forced drove us to 8 Summerland LANEEEEE. There, a rush of nostalgia hit me!!! Walking down Chappaqua Road with my schoolbag on my back and in the humidity of spring; walking down summerland lane in the colder days of fall down to the bus stop; playing basketball on our driveway in the summer; they painted our house back from pink to this greyish-green that actually looked decent but then blended in with all the other grey houses on the block, though jessica's house was still tan and peter's house was painted a strange barn color.. anyways, the two, large, brick-colored flower pots are still on the porch. I miss those columns too. I dare not step into the house (or do I) afraid that once I do, my memories in that house might disappear faster. Oh no, I musn't. Not this time Curiosity, not this time.
So I end my post here, reflecting, gaging the future, and just telling you guys snippets of my life. my Urbana reflection can be found under "Notes" on my facebook if you're interested in reading what I took away from Urbana. I'll be honest and say that Urbana is not as fresh as it once was, but I refuse to cut my wristband (for now) and confirm that "because of" (incorrect grammar, nonetheless, a lazy short-cut) all that my heart can see now through Urbana, it is getting better. Love, love, love. Maybe if I say it enough times, my heart can learn to remain an excellent executer of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment