I ask myself, what's the point of blogging, why waste time filling other people in on my life when I could actually be going to that person's home and spending time with them or doing something that'll actually make a difference in someone's life. I want to get hands on, talk to people's face, care for them, be with them, not talk about my own life and how God's been faithful, cus what if He is, what am I doing in my life right now that shows I'm faithful to Him. I don't want to sit on my butt anymore and enjoy my own life to it's fullest because the piercing reality is that everything in my life is excess and unnecessary.

I stepped into the mall just yesterday and saw racks full of jackets that could easily keep thousands upon thousands of people warm during this winter. I saw bath towels at macy's stuffed into the shelves in an array of organized colors that no one 10 feet tall could possibly reach and buy but for the sake of presentation and attraction were put up 10 feet high; I thought to myself, no one is ever going to buy those towels because they look so neat and prim and because they blend so well with the store wall and because those colorful towels make the shopping experience fuller and more joyous. I, myself, bought a new jacket cus I had store credit for abercrombie, and added in pretty socks and a sweater from aeropostale - oh, the dulling of the brain and the heart. Because I had reasoned with myself that I needed to look reputable in the eyes of others in order to succeed because it wasn't like I was going to drop out of college in order to go into missions right away; I was certain I'd go on missions after college, after I graduated and got a degree. My mom even said after I got a job and found a husband, but really? Can I wait that long to go abroad and get my hand dirty and be with the poor? So I thought to myself again, I'll be here in New York and fervently care for others and when I get back to Baltimore do the same, and also evangelize to more people on campus. This should sustain my eagerness to drop everything I have and just go on missions.

It's been two days, TWO days since Urbana and my eyes are making me dull inside because I have so much to give away. It's not guilt, it's not shame, it's a realization that I've been taking too many things for granted. I have never stepped out of my middle class life until urbana brought it down upon me like a double-edged sword right to my heart - powerful speakers, videos, seminars - urbana was truly eye-opening (and not just eye-opening and an 'ok, i'll go back to sleep now that i'm aware of it', but 'gosh, it's time to turn my life around and start living for others instead of always self-promoting myself as if no one cares or loves me'). Can't YOU see, do you even CARE to see that an ironing board is excess, that Listerine is excess, that picture frames are excess, that hangers are excess, that window curtains are excess, that mirrors are excess, that stuffed animals are excess, that perfumes (colognes) are excess, or that the tv is a luxury, the mattress is a luxury, the toilet (and toilet paper) is a luxury, the stove is a luxury, the chair (especially ones with wheels) is a luxury, the laundry machine is a luxury, spoons and forks are a luxury, the heating/cooling system in my home is a luxury, and even the contacts I'm wearing is a luxury.. oh god, I can go on. Our time is Now. There's no way of knowing if we'll live to get married or have kids or for those of you who are already at this stage in life have grandkids or what-not, so why anticipate when we can all stop living in a consumerist society and start giving back. I mean, how much blood needs to be shed every day while we remain idle and bask ourselves in God's abundant blessings until we actually realize that most of our lives are worked up for the wrong reasons and that by the time we get old, the guilt will be too great that there won't be anything left for us to do but frail over time. We are young, we are able (oh yes we are, more than we know it), so why not now? Why treat death in our family with greater mourn than that of a skeleton child who's suffered ALL his life until his death? Does that not seem WRONG to you? I'm working my way up to being angry at society right now, but I sat in church this Sunday only to realize that the church is just as guilty of this. Yes, maybe we all have our timing in realizing that there's something greater than life, and if that's the case, then EVERYONE should jump on board to Urbana 2012 - young, old, in college, or not. And if it's too much money, maybe listening to these past sermons will help: http://www.vimeo.com/urbana09/videos. Btw, "Money and Power - Oscar Muriu" was one that spoke to me the loudest during urbana '09. But back to church, I found myself sitting in the pews at RCCC really angry at the church for prayers that were all about self-renewel, self-forgiveness, self-you-name-it. It reminds me now of a sermon by Peter Ong during CMC (the theme was "Achtung!" which means "Wake Up!") - he said that life is not always about managing our sins. If it was, we'd get NO WHERE. *tangent/explanation* Because as much as God is capable of changing our hearts and guiding us towards the path of righteousness, we as human beings cannot achieve complete HOLINESS because it'd be like "ahhhh" with the choir angels singing and a halo around our head. The reality is that life will always be a constant struggle with sin, and not necessarily the same ones, but certainly a constant of them. We will always wrestle with our human nature because "nature" implies "written in the codes of our DNA and integrated into every fiber of our being" - nature. IT IS A PART OF US. And blah blah blah we go on to say that THAT is the reason why we need Jesus Christ but that His forgiveness alone doesn't mean we keep sinning and let things slip away. Point is: the church should start praying more boldly about things that are global and not just issues within the church or things that are personal. If I was a newcomer stepping into a church that only prayed about themselves, I'd think, "well, this reinforces the fact that all Christians think they're self-righteous and better than nonbelievers." Wouldn't you? Put yourself in a newcomer's shoes today and especially start thinking about what you can do for others, not as a TASK but as a DEMONSTRATION of God's love for YOU. A speaker at Urbana also said, "Don't say, 'Look at me! Look at me!' Instead say, 'Look at God! Look at God!" Oftentimes, as Christians we think, "If others will look at my life and see how peaceful I am amid all the chaos or simply how blessed I am or how thankful I am or how composed I am amid problems, they'll want to know how I got to this point in my life." Will they? Will they really want to know more about someone who has everything under control? I speak for myself too.

It was my second-to-last night at Urbana and I was sinking into sleep. Just before, I had tried to jot down everything I had learned at Urbana from sermons to seminars into my journal and I did so in numerical order because I felt that bullet notes undermined the importance of these lessons. Now, most of my biggest revelations come when I'm settling down my body and mind. That night, just before REM, I found this to be very true of myself: "Life can easily be a constant juggle between our longing to be intimate with someone and learning to be intimate with God." I often tell myself that I think too much, but sometimes evaluating my life can help me loads. Differentiating this stage in my life, where I'm longing for intimacy, between the physical and the spiritual made it much easier for me to realize my faults or catch myself going for the first rather than the latter. It's VERY easy, as I've learned, to transition between the two, but I intend to be conscious about it every step of the way.

I took a long break just now and I'm returning to this post. So I broke my train of thought helping my mom cook and stuff, but I'm pretty much done with talking about spiritual stuff. At least that's all I have to say about it for now. Other than that, my big food cravings these past few days have been nian gao and buo lo bao. May I also mention that prior to Urbana, I was afraid of death and the pain of death, but so much has been learned that God has allowed me to overcome the fear of death! Now, as a sharing transcribed from my journal as I was descending on an airplane, to my brothers and sisters:

"From St. Louis to New York, may I be the Salt and the Light that brings many to come to know the true Christ in whom alone hope is found. I want to pray for the thousands of brothers and sisters to not be discouraged in our times of weakness but look to God for replenishing our heart, mind, soul, and spirit. 'Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear NO evil for God is with me, His rod and staff comfort me.' Urbana '09... rock. this. world."

Interesting, I looked up that verse to see where it came from (Psalm 23:4) and the NIV states, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." I noticed "I will fear no evil" talks about the future but when I was in the airplane drawing this from memory, I actually wrote "I fear no evil." Wow, the time has really come.