A Taste of 4 Weeks Left

I am confronted with the reality that we have all gone our own separate ways. The farther we go in life, the narrower our paths become and my hope in our lives colliding again grows dim. I used to have the mindset that my allegiance lied in one place along with the people inside of it, that when I was apart from that place, everything I did would only be a matter of report back to those people. I grew accustomed to adapting, paradoxicaly, but I never desired the habit of adopting. Inside, I felt continental shifts happening, and to a degree, that was reflected in my self-image, which at times defined my quirkiness. Nevertheless, I've always possessed that nudge to fight and combat those that my sixth sense told me were wrong or hindering, even if it meant combatting myself. After all these years, the place I report back to no longer exists. I report back to myself. It's settled in my mind that you can't take your faith too seriously. Personal commitments go a long way, and it's unsettling to know that maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere the moment I realized there was a 6 year gap in my life, from the moment I offered up my life as a living sacrifice to the point where I could not stand it any longer. And the aftermath was confusion, like waking up in a completely different time period yet picking up where I left off as a 14-year-old, my soul ripe for the picking but a young and fun girl that had been long buried. Maybe I did take Christianity too seriously, when I heard in worship songs and preachers say that we had to die to ourselves in order for God to reign in us. I think I killed all of me at the time, completely stripping myself of everything, even my personality which I was poisoned to think was evil as well - I killed my freedom to be goofy, severed a sincere connection between my thoughts and tongue, ditched all nonsense to be proper, and the little things I've already lost to myself. In par was also being so conditioned by the Chinese culture. When I thought I was something, I became nothing, and something came from the outside to appropriate meaning onto me again. But that is not the part I'm bitter about. I am deeply scarred by my loneliness for the years I sacrificed my energy for God in place of making true friends. Not only did I kill being natural (in general), I thought it was all part of God's plan, that He secluded me from the rest to show me that my only best friend was in Him. It fueled me like hiccups in my life, but I still felt the jarring pain of having no one (physical) by my side. The conforming thought of having brothers and sisters at church was not enough, even though that picture sometimes paled in the starkness of having a leadership role. I understand, now, why counselors are available, that they're not only there for the psyche. And when my mom said, when we heard on the radio, that she couldn't understand why someone would take their own life, that people these days were crazy, my heart clenched because I understood why someone would, even why they shouldn't. In that moment in time, I felt like my body could easily slide between both ends of the spectrum - I could make a rush of hormones and feel on top of the world if I wanted to, but I think I'd always recline to some lesser degree in light of... well, a bunch of things. Ironically, my time with my parents turned into some sort of bliss, when the rest of my life was either in shackles or chaos. Something like a bo-lo-bao can relinquish all that, or zoning out in front of my fish tank, but pressing thoughts always come to shove, whether I like it or not. Nowadays, I spend my time making up for all the (not wasted) time I had with God in order to come to terms with my earthly life. An inkling inside of me said once that I was straying from God, but then I was glad to have identified it as my ticker in life, what would keep me not even at a balancing point, but at the entrance to a point in life where I can genuinely fuse the two (at least I'm learning to). Where that leaves me now is somewhere I hope is not too serious (even though I did just slip into that mode for a while, which I guess is okay for "a while"). I know that God's leaving me signs everywhere so that I could remember Him. He still is my lover, but you see, that's where I fall short of truly recognizing the fine line in which I should be living by.

You can now say you're confused as well. If not, talk to me! Give me a call, gchat me, ichat me, email me? text me?