It's been a while since I last blogged, but here's the quick update. Lately, I've been having a lot of mood swings only because when I'm down I remember that I can choose to be up, but only if I have enough strength to be up and keep it up. Why have I been down? For a couple of reasons. Sometimes I feel the loneliness of having to grow up and out. You can say it's a community experience, but ultimately, it comes down to you and you alone. I realized that the day you cry is the day you break through another barrier of stepping further and further into the real world. I imagine an invisible covering over my body that every time I do cry, it peels away (much like a corn-on-the-cob or a rose bud). It's scary growing up. Few days go by without a flash of what the future will look like when it's all up to me. It's scarier that way because in that moment, time seems to condense itself and your heart just goes absent on you.
Days I do get down are also when I cease to speak up. If the people I want to become friends with talk about something I'm not interested in or do things that don't excite me, I feel apart, afloat, dead, different. It feels worse when I have a lump in my throat and anything I do want to say gets shoved back down to where it came from and I end up feeling like a wimp - too afraid to be judged. Days when I do speak up are days when I also doubt my consideration for others. So as you can see, it is an inner struggle to find where I best function freely without hurting the people around me.
2 Things I've been working on this month:
1) Saying 'Hi' to the people I know so that they don't go unnoticed.
2) Keeping my back straight so I look and feel livelier.
Bout' 4 weeks left of school! Two things most often imagined when thinking about the end of school: 1) The day my parents come pick me up and help me move out, 2) Sitting in the back seat and chillaxing on a vacay road trip!
No comments:
Post a Comment