What is this skepticism we possess every time we meet a "Christian." Is there a need to feel elevated or ahead of the race. Why do we become so possessive, even possessive of God Himself. We are so insecure, wavering this way and that way the next, trying to figure out which way is the right way to carry ourselves. I feel like I'm standing on a ball every time, the ball rolling around as I try to find balance and stillness and comfort and a sense of security.

I've been saying it aloud more frequently... of how tired I am sometimes about my Christian faith, and weary of having to try and live my life to a standard that seems like it opposes everything about being a human. Recently, of course, I haven't. I once thought that Christian-living was about a standard, but it's more accurately resolved in an inner drive that projects the human body, along with its heart, mind, and soul, outward. And still, in the knowledge of that, in the belief of that, I am still tired and weary. I've been letting my body sleep as it wills, speak at it wills, and do as it wills, going with the flow as you'd say. Too tired to pick up, too kneaded by an over-processed brain, dulled to the lyrics of a song, fancied by nothing except what might be sublime, out of tune with my words, and disappointed by my loneliness still.

How is it that I've been calling, and I've been talking, and I've been typing, yet no one cares to initiate a 'how are you doing?' in return. The worst thing one can do is take advantage of someone and take for granted everything he has. What happens when I leave, when I decide to pull away, because my body has used itself to its capacity... for you, for so long. And not a sliver in return, not out of selfishness, but out of pure sadness and disappointment in not doing your part in return, as a brother or sister in Christ, only assessing your own walk with God, neglecting a pivotal part of who you are as a Christian to keep your brothers and sisters accountable and in-check. We've all heard it before, a small act of kindness goes a long way. Where have our hearts been these past couple of days. How come we've only been censoring ourselves. Where did the community go? Where did our selflessness go? How dare we replace the only God who could satisfy us.

With ourselves? With our girlfriend? With our boyfriend? With our fantasies? With our dreams? With our hopes?

I know we keep to ourselves sometimes. Oftentimes, because privacy is necessary. Alone-time is necessary. Time is necessary to play itself out. But love at least. Even if it's just a little part of you. I can't help but understand that we're all part of a progression. We're all owners of ourselves but we make choices that, whether you know it or not, affects an unapproachable and never-knowing number of people. We're all like raindrops, because we always have a ripple effect when we hit the puddle. I can't help but to also identify that I'm only half-capable, that I'm not strong enough alone to do who knows what. I'm weak and certainly I have my limitations. So when I get to the bare bones of things, I must believe that God will sustain me and give me the support that I need from my physical surroundings.

I once wrote in my notebook that because God is the formula to my equation, no one will ever understand me until they come to terms with God. I know that the world will never figure me out, that they will judge me however they want to, only because they don't have God in their lives, and they don't know His power over me. But what began me in this post was the idea that for those of us who do know God, I care to confess my utter skepticism in... because until we choose to initiate with each other, we will never become a family.