It turns out time is irreversible, and so are people. People just soak it in, what they hear I mean, and what they see. And all they experience sums to who they are as a person. And for some of us lucky ones, we can second-guess our environment and choose between the paths of reality or illusion. For me, I'm still deciding, even though the answer's clear.

So what is at the core of us? With a moment's thought, I come up with Fear. And with another moment, a sense of being lost. But let's not dig too deep shall we before we entangle ourselves in the complexities of what we call life. Let's look at things pragmatically. Life is good when it's balanced. We'd like to balance our diet, we'd like to balance our work and social life, we'd like to balance a lot of other things. Balance is so definitive, yet immeasurable in one's life. So we set out for a word that is unquestionably unachievable yet use it in context in hope that we'd be near to its absoluteness. How interesting.

In the same way, do we look for absolution in other people? It's hard to imagine that a life without mirrors and reflections in pools of liquid would amount to unconsciousness and a loss of certainty. Imagine a life that only has its peripheral vision and senses, and about and walking are three dimensional figures of the same species staring into that very soul, the soul questioning whether it is alone in that body or another three dimensional figure walking past other souls. All of a sudden, we think the world revolves around me, that soul, not a figure, a soul.

I don't know where I'm going with this. But it's nice to explore my thoughts and intrigue in perspectives. They say a new outlook brings forth a new attitude, and a new attitude can change the world (I made the second half up). But I think it's true... that verging on human expressions alone can bring recognition, much recognition to the reality of souls in this world, and not just three dimensional figures or a presentation of images. But souls.

That kind of recognition can come along fine. But remaining sensitive to the reality is easier to forget than the moment a candle flame is blown out.

So how are we to remain intact with reality? How are we even to decipher the difference? In a culture where fun and pleasure have become addicting (due to the "core" of us which I earlier neglected to go far into), how could reality not seem as extreme and harsh? We've made it that way! Unfortunately... "reality," even saying the word, rings with a bite to our eyes and a kick in the stomach. It's not Reality's fault, it's our own sense of imbalance, a sort of standard we keep to ourselves.

And it is during those times of clashing standards that souls are pulled out of their human shell and kind of banged together until one of them meshes with the other.

This could easily venture into the topic of conformity, but then again, I'm brushing thoughts of silver off my shoulders as I type.

So where does that leave us, a soul recognized or unrecognized drifting in a sea of imbalanced people predestined to clashing standards, a boil of confusion, a mix of uncertainty, and a riot towards one end of the field. That's where we leave off.

Pouring out my Thoughts - random or relevant here it goes...

So as I sit here with the Urbana2009 Worship track playing right now, I can't help but wonder how second semester at MICA will be different.. how I'll treat it differently. A part of me is excited to start classes and meet new people and paint! Another part of me feels disappointed that I'm going back to the same dorm room to live with the same people because I'm afraid of what dirty and dusty feelings might come back to me. I know for a fact that this will be one of my struggles when I go back to school - dealing with my memories there and trying to override them with all that I've learned at Urbana and from my brothers and sisters. That addressed, I'm going to try to explain the feeling I have right now about my life as a whole.

I feel like I have Jesus/God at the core of my being. I actually know this because I've been through enough to fully put my trust in Him. But besides the core, it only seems to fade out from there. As much as I know I need God as my spiritual food, I can NEVER get myself to read the bible, less with praying. It's not that I don't want to, but it seems uninteresting compared to all the other things I could be doing (ehem, like blogging). Already, I can see that Satan must be behind all this, trying to drag me away from getting to know God on a much deeper level and continuing to dwell in His presence. I guess I can't protect myself from Satan because the thing I actually need to protect myself with is what he's trying to drag me away from T.T So I feel like unless I study the Bible together with someone else, I can't begin to read the Bible on my own.

This reminds me of college again. I don't belong to a Christian fellowship on campus (there's supposedly Koinonia, but I'm already bitter towards Koinonia for being some kind of secret society on campus considering it's not even advertised anywhere on campus and remains an underground fellowship), but I still go to a small church slash gallery called, the Light. It's nice going every Sunday, and having a 7 o'clock woman's group every Sunday night to study a devotional book, but truthfully it's not enough. There's not enough substance and a true dissection of the Scriptures that makes the woman's group feel profound and genuine. I want to start a bible study with a group of my Christian friends, but so much has already happened, a lot of scarring thoughts and feelings have already taken place, that I'm hesitant in initiating something I'm not confident will last long. I'm afraid of making excuses, or afraid of other people making excuses, and I somehow doubt my leadership in matters like these and it gets me frustrated because I know I need a support group on campus I know I can put my trust in. I'm really hoping that God will move me to start stepping up and taking initiative in voicing out my thoughts. I know what happened to me first semester is something I definitely don't want to go through again considering I sought out people from ocm on gchat all the time instead of confiding in the people who were physically there on campus at the time. Yes, I wanted to make the commitment to keep in touch with my ocmers, but I became too reliant on them to feed my social appetite and in some ways became a hinderance in my further development in relationships on campus. This was notably brought up by my brother on a phone call one night and I realized that I needed to be more active on campus and get to know more people.

Especially after Urbana and today's talk about why it's important to make friends with more non-Christians (or to have a balance of both non-Christian and Christian friends), I really do intend to talk to people I would have otherwise avoided talking to my first semester. And granted first semester being first semester and all, I guess I had to take it slow my first few steps into college. But now that second semester is well on its way, I have no more excuses as to why I should be a hermit ... unless I'm dearfully in need of time to work on a project. I mean, isn't that what sucks about art school, having to labor on a project (enjoying it or not) for an extended period of time (weeks upon weeks) until the deadline instead of studying for a test and getting it over with? And I'm talking about every hour of our waking body laboring over multiple projects assigned in class that require our walking all over campus to get art supplies and grab a meal and physically putting the artwork together. I guess there's liberty in that to a degree, but living the life of an artist is what I'm getting into and if I have to be one, I better start learning how to manage myself much more efficiently. And that includes integrating meaningful relationship with classmates on campus, keeping up with their lives, while doing a fantastic job in class. Oh boy, I better get all the rest I can while my winter break lasts.

It's tough, no one said it'd be easy (only those who've already done what you haven't already - heh). But I am asking whoever is reading this post right now to pray for me. Pray that I wouldn't grow weary. Pray that I wouldn't succumb to the temptation of not caring anymore and leaving things be. Pray that God would give me the physical strength to persevere through sleepless nights, to focus on my schoolwork while still putting God first. And pray that He'd use me to bring Him all the glory and that I'd find my spiritual food in praying, listening, and reading the Scriptures.

I love to worship, no doubt about it. It's because worshipping God is the most peaceful and joyous part of my day where I can set all else aside and abide in God's love for me. Thank God for my guitar.

I've stocked up on a lot of staple foods in my luggage at the moment to bring back to Baltimore. They include three bags of strawberry Special-K, one bag of blueberry Special-K, and tons of assorted Natural Valley granola bars.. for on the go! After first semester, I've realized my own capacity to consume numerous boxes of cereal all on my own, which scares me now.. [weird expression]. I've become a cereal monster apparently.

How could I have almost possibly forgotten to mention in this blog the exciting new of finally (finally!) getting a Nikon D3000!!! [squeaks] I have yet to unleash my photography skills peoples. Be on the watch-out. dun dun dun.

Hmm, I can feel this blog coming to a close very soon, but before I leave, I must mention that this past Thursday after going to the dentist office in Briarcliff, my dad forced drove us to 8 Summerland LANEEEEE. There, a rush of nostalgia hit me!!! Walking down Chappaqua Road with my schoolbag on my back and in the humidity of spring; walking down summerland lane in the colder days of fall down to the bus stop; playing basketball on our driveway in the summer; they painted our house back from pink to this greyish-green that actually looked decent but then blended in with all the other grey houses on the block, though jessica's house was still tan and peter's house was painted a strange barn color.. anyways, the two, large, brick-colored flower pots are still on the porch. I miss those columns too. I dare not step into the house (or do I) afraid that once I do, my memories in that house might disappear faster. Oh no, I musn't. Not this time Curiosity, not this time.

So I end my post here, reflecting, gaging the future, and just telling you guys snippets of my life. my Urbana reflection can be found under "Notes" on my facebook if you're interested in reading what I took away from Urbana. I'll be honest and say that Urbana is not as fresh as it once was, but I refuse to cut my wristband (for now) and confirm that "because of" (incorrect grammar, nonetheless, a lazy short-cut) all that my heart can see now through Urbana, it is getting better. Love, love, love. Maybe if I say it enough times, my heart can learn to remain an excellent executer of it.

I ask myself, what's the point of blogging, why waste time filling other people in on my life when I could actually be going to that person's home and spending time with them or doing something that'll actually make a difference in someone's life. I want to get hands on, talk to people's face, care for them, be with them, not talk about my own life and how God's been faithful, cus what if He is, what am I doing in my life right now that shows I'm faithful to Him. I don't want to sit on my butt anymore and enjoy my own life to it's fullest because the piercing reality is that everything in my life is excess and unnecessary.

I stepped into the mall just yesterday and saw racks full of jackets that could easily keep thousands upon thousands of people warm during this winter. I saw bath towels at macy's stuffed into the shelves in an array of organized colors that no one 10 feet tall could possibly reach and buy but for the sake of presentation and attraction were put up 10 feet high; I thought to myself, no one is ever going to buy those towels because they look so neat and prim and because they blend so well with the store wall and because those colorful towels make the shopping experience fuller and more joyous. I, myself, bought a new jacket cus I had store credit for abercrombie, and added in pretty socks and a sweater from aeropostale - oh, the dulling of the brain and the heart. Because I had reasoned with myself that I needed to look reputable in the eyes of others in order to succeed because it wasn't like I was going to drop out of college in order to go into missions right away; I was certain I'd go on missions after college, after I graduated and got a degree. My mom even said after I got a job and found a husband, but really? Can I wait that long to go abroad and get my hand dirty and be with the poor? So I thought to myself again, I'll be here in New York and fervently care for others and when I get back to Baltimore do the same, and also evangelize to more people on campus. This should sustain my eagerness to drop everything I have and just go on missions.

It's been two days, TWO days since Urbana and my eyes are making me dull inside because I have so much to give away. It's not guilt, it's not shame, it's a realization that I've been taking too many things for granted. I have never stepped out of my middle class life until urbana brought it down upon me like a double-edged sword right to my heart - powerful speakers, videos, seminars - urbana was truly eye-opening (and not just eye-opening and an 'ok, i'll go back to sleep now that i'm aware of it', but 'gosh, it's time to turn my life around and start living for others instead of always self-promoting myself as if no one cares or loves me'). Can't YOU see, do you even CARE to see that an ironing board is excess, that Listerine is excess, that picture frames are excess, that hangers are excess, that window curtains are excess, that mirrors are excess, that stuffed animals are excess, that perfumes (colognes) are excess, or that the tv is a luxury, the mattress is a luxury, the toilet (and toilet paper) is a luxury, the stove is a luxury, the chair (especially ones with wheels) is a luxury, the laundry machine is a luxury, spoons and forks are a luxury, the heating/cooling system in my home is a luxury, and even the contacts I'm wearing is a luxury.. oh god, I can go on. Our time is Now. There's no way of knowing if we'll live to get married or have kids or for those of you who are already at this stage in life have grandkids or what-not, so why anticipate when we can all stop living in a consumerist society and start giving back. I mean, how much blood needs to be shed every day while we remain idle and bask ourselves in God's abundant blessings until we actually realize that most of our lives are worked up for the wrong reasons and that by the time we get old, the guilt will be too great that there won't be anything left for us to do but frail over time. We are young, we are able (oh yes we are, more than we know it), so why not now? Why treat death in our family with greater mourn than that of a skeleton child who's suffered ALL his life until his death? Does that not seem WRONG to you? I'm working my way up to being angry at society right now, but I sat in church this Sunday only to realize that the church is just as guilty of this. Yes, maybe we all have our timing in realizing that there's something greater than life, and if that's the case, then EVERYONE should jump on board to Urbana 2012 - young, old, in college, or not. And if it's too much money, maybe listening to these past sermons will help: http://www.vimeo.com/urbana09/videos. Btw, "Money and Power - Oscar Muriu" was one that spoke to me the loudest during urbana '09. But back to church, I found myself sitting in the pews at RCCC really angry at the church for prayers that were all about self-renewel, self-forgiveness, self-you-name-it. It reminds me now of a sermon by Peter Ong during CMC (the theme was "Achtung!" which means "Wake Up!") - he said that life is not always about managing our sins. If it was, we'd get NO WHERE. *tangent/explanation* Because as much as God is capable of changing our hearts and guiding us towards the path of righteousness, we as human beings cannot achieve complete HOLINESS because it'd be like "ahhhh" with the choir angels singing and a halo around our head. The reality is that life will always be a constant struggle with sin, and not necessarily the same ones, but certainly a constant of them. We will always wrestle with our human nature because "nature" implies "written in the codes of our DNA and integrated into every fiber of our being" - nature. IT IS A PART OF US. And blah blah blah we go on to say that THAT is the reason why we need Jesus Christ but that His forgiveness alone doesn't mean we keep sinning and let things slip away. Point is: the church should start praying more boldly about things that are global and not just issues within the church or things that are personal. If I was a newcomer stepping into a church that only prayed about themselves, I'd think, "well, this reinforces the fact that all Christians think they're self-righteous and better than nonbelievers." Wouldn't you? Put yourself in a newcomer's shoes today and especially start thinking about what you can do for others, not as a TASK but as a DEMONSTRATION of God's love for YOU. A speaker at Urbana also said, "Don't say, 'Look at me! Look at me!' Instead say, 'Look at God! Look at God!" Oftentimes, as Christians we think, "If others will look at my life and see how peaceful I am amid all the chaos or simply how blessed I am or how thankful I am or how composed I am amid problems, they'll want to know how I got to this point in my life." Will they? Will they really want to know more about someone who has everything under control? I speak for myself too.

It was my second-to-last night at Urbana and I was sinking into sleep. Just before, I had tried to jot down everything I had learned at Urbana from sermons to seminars into my journal and I did so in numerical order because I felt that bullet notes undermined the importance of these lessons. Now, most of my biggest revelations come when I'm settling down my body and mind. That night, just before REM, I found this to be very true of myself: "Life can easily be a constant juggle between our longing to be intimate with someone and learning to be intimate with God." I often tell myself that I think too much, but sometimes evaluating my life can help me loads. Differentiating this stage in my life, where I'm longing for intimacy, between the physical and the spiritual made it much easier for me to realize my faults or catch myself going for the first rather than the latter. It's VERY easy, as I've learned, to transition between the two, but I intend to be conscious about it every step of the way.

I took a long break just now and I'm returning to this post. So I broke my train of thought helping my mom cook and stuff, but I'm pretty much done with talking about spiritual stuff. At least that's all I have to say about it for now. Other than that, my big food cravings these past few days have been nian gao and buo lo bao. May I also mention that prior to Urbana, I was afraid of death and the pain of death, but so much has been learned that God has allowed me to overcome the fear of death! Now, as a sharing transcribed from my journal as I was descending on an airplane, to my brothers and sisters:

"From St. Louis to New York, may I be the Salt and the Light that brings many to come to know the true Christ in whom alone hope is found. I want to pray for the thousands of brothers and sisters to not be discouraged in our times of weakness but look to God for replenishing our heart, mind, soul, and spirit. 'Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear NO evil for God is with me, His rod and staff comfort me.' Urbana '09... rock. this. world."

Interesting, I looked up that verse to see where it came from (Psalm 23:4) and the NIV states, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." I noticed "I will fear no evil" talks about the future but when I was in the airplane drawing this from memory, I actually wrote "I fear no evil." Wow, the time has really come.